Esther on her new chair yesterday afternoon…. the perfect spot for rainy day nap

The desire to psychoanalyze people; to figure out why they are the way that they are, why they do or say, or don’t do or say, certain things, is quite possibly one of the most destructive habits that I’ve engaged in….and it used to be one of my favorite things to do. I cannot even bear to think of the untold hours I’ve spent in this useless activity of the little mind.

And of all of the hours, days, and years that I spent in this frivolous mind-activity, very few were spent thinking, “I wonder why that person is so kind, happy, considerate, honest, helpful, generous, thoughtful, giving, non-defensive, open, lovely….!?”

No. Most of my psychoanalysis was trying to figure out why they were not the kind of person that I thought they “should” be.

I saw one day, that even though this way of thinking made my egoic mind happy for a little while (“We’ve figured that one out”! it would say, feeling so smart and smug) it wasn’t a lasting thing…since it wasn’t the Truth. It was just a little box that made my little, fear-filled, mind feel secure for a few minutes. If I imagined that someone didn’t treat me well, or didn’t act in a way that I found acceptable, then I could separate them from myself by putting them in a little box, labeled, “Messed Up”, and if I couldn’t figure out what was specifically wrong with them (in that moment) then the generic label was fine…. I’d come back to them later, possibly at 2 a.m. when I couldn’t sleep and was feeling desperate and needed to search for the cause of my misery.

This approach to life never leads to more happiness. Looking for what is wrong with others only leads to seeing more of what is wrong with them, and with ourselves….then we think we need to find new people who won’t hurt, offend, or take advantage, of us. We think we’ll be happy when we find “them”….but we never find them, since we are searching for their opposites.

I can’t say that I have turned this old habit of mine (habit of mind!) completely around, but I’m much quicker at catching it and saying, “I don’t go there anymore”, to my mind when it wants to dissect someone’s life or some situation that I’m unhappy about. It is my intention to get so good, at never looking for the bad, that I will someday be amazed that I ever did it….and I love this thought.

“The sun shines and warms and lights us and we have no curiosity to know why this is so; but we ask the reason of all evil, of pain, and hunger, and mosquitoes and silly people“.  Ralph Waldo Emerson

Esther by my chair

Last week I pulled a comfy, old, cat-scratched chair outside, and put it on my tiny porch. Having it there makes opening the door a challenge, but this isn’t the door that we use most of the time anyway. After I make coffee and feed the cats, I come out here with my cup of coffee and sit. I do something else too… I think about the people who have asked for prayer, and the people and animals that I love, and the ones I’m still struggling with, and I see each one as happy and fulfilled. This way, I have loving relationships with all.

I love this spot, but I know that it doesn’t matter if I am sitting on this little porch, or on a mountain top, in a church, a monastery, or a temple. The portal into the Divine realm, the place of Infinite Good, is in my own heart. It is such a uniquely human quality/gift to be able to do this; to choose to love,…and this is what I was born to do…this is my job while I’m here on this earth.

“Of all the fears that haunt us, from fear of the dark when we are young to fear of snakes and high places, there is nothing to compare to the fear that we may have wasted our lives…The challenge is not to rise above the level of everyday life by some superhuman effort. The challenge is to find something truly human to do everyday of our lives.“

Rabbi Harold Kushner (from the book, When All You’ve Ever Wanted Isn’t Enough)

My niece, Mary, when she was a little girl, holding one of her kitties (we are a family of cat lovers!)

One thing that I’ve noticed, in both myself and in others, is the tendency to build a case against the present “difficulty” in hopes of leaving it behind. Every romantic relationship that I ended, I first thought I needed to build a case against him: he was unavailable emotionally or too needy, too boring and unwilling to seek adventure, or too unpredictable……on and on.

In the past, the idea that a certain man, or school, or town, or home, or job, was “perfect just the way it was”, and that I was ready for something else, wasn’t a part of my consciousness. After all, if it was perfect, why would I want to leave it, him or them? So I built a case against my current situation, thinking that this was the only way I could justifiably leave. I told stories of why it was not good enough. I highlighted, in my own mind, its faults. I thought that loving and accepting the present situation meant that I wouldn’t have enough motivation to leave. My mind demanded, “Either you give me a good reason (i.e. what is wrong) or stay where you are and shut up!”

I equated acceptance with resignation and stagnation. The trouble with this approach to life is, it doesn’t work….long-term. Sure, we might leave the “old”, and  for a while, the new seems great; so different, so much better, so improved, but after a while, we discover to our dismay that we’ve dragged “what is wrong” right along with us and it shows up again, in the new (man, school, town, home, job). The world “outside” of us is just a mirror…a reflection of our state of mind. For permanent change for the better, I need to change (my mind) for the better, the good, the more expansive.

This is really up for me today, since we have found a new home and want to move. I’ve noticed my tendency to say (about our current home) “This house is too small!” or “I need to be in town, not in the country” or “I need to live closer to my family.”…..and all of these thoughts, in this moment, fill me with anxiety because in this moment, I am here, in this little home in the country, 2 hrs away from my son….and the reason that I know that these thoughts are not the Truth of my being is because they feel small, tight and restrictive. They have a desperate quality to them. They fill me with unhappiness. These thoughts are old, uninspired, and dead feeling. If I want to live more fully, I need only change my thoughts to ones of love, happiness, and beauty, for all that is in my life now.

So, I’ve started saying, “This is perfect. My home is perfect for us right now. I accept my life today, and I Trust the Divine, the Loving, the pure Goodness of the Unknowable All, that is working in unimaginable ways to bring more of all good into my life, in perfect timing, for the good of all”.

At night, as I’m falling asleep, I whisper, “I trust You. I trust You….” to this secret place of the most high, to the God that I do not comprehend but know lives within my heart, and the hearts of every other being in this Universe.

And I love the way that I feel when I do this. It makes me want to almost giggle with delight. It brings me back to a place that I only slightly remember when I was a little girl. One of wonder, delight, trust, and faith that all is well….and I am going to continue to do this; to sing forth the perfection of this Life, until I sing out my last breath…I may falter, but I will not give up.

“To attempt to change conditions, before a change in consciousness is to struggle against the very nature of things. Man can go round and round in the same circle of disappointments and misfortune, not seeing them as caused by his own negative inner talking, but as caused by ‘others’. To change circumstances, we must change from within first.” from a lecture given by Neville Goddard in 1955

Luke resting in the grass

A few days ago, I became  anxious that I hadn’t heard from someone (who I knew was going through I rough time). I’d called him, but he didn’t return my call (which was really unusual) so I waited for a day and called again, feeling very “concerned”. He answered the phone and was cold, distant and abrupt. Later that day I thought, “He was feeling my energy of fear (worry, anxiety, and concern are all just dressed up words for fear). I had been imagining him as unhappy and closed off so I took it upon myself to come to the rescue, and was rewarded with exactly what I deserved. Who wants to be looked at in this way?…not him, not me.

As soon as I realized what I’d done, I started imagining him as happy and feeling at peace. I saw the God in him. I let go of all anxiety or need for him to contact me. The next morning, he called and we had a wonderful talk.

“My friend, the battle you are trying to fight is not yours, but God’s. Be still. Let go. The battle is God’s, not yours, and because it is God’s battle through you, God desiring to manifest through you, victory was on your side before the battle began (in your consciousness, for that is the only place where there is any battle). Some who doubt will say, ‘Yes, but I must have money today’, or ‘I must have relief at once’ or ‘this salvation will come too late to be of use, and besides I do not see how!’  Stop right there, dear friend. You do not have to see how. This is not your business. Your business is to ‘stand still’ and proclaim, ‘It is done.” From the essay, Trusting and Resting, by H. Emilie Cady, published in 1903

Noah heading out into the garden this morning

Have you ever just known that something was right? Even when it didn’t make sense? Even when there was no way that it was possible? And have you ever held your belief anyway; persistently turning away from those voices of doubt and reason (the voices that were really in your own mind, but seemed to be coming out of the mouths of people around you…the ones who didn’t want you to be disappointed or deluded enough to believe in something that you couldn’t figure out the “hows” of?).

I love hearing stories of how others did just this: held their vision and came to see it become their reality. If you have a story that you would like to share; a story of hope (when things seemed hopeless), faith beyond your ability to understand, or healing, please tell it here. There are an awful lot of stories that we hear everyday of “senseless” violence, loss, and hatred…and I know that there are so many, many more stories of “senseless” (we can’t understand how this wonderful thing happened) blessings, recovery, and Love.”…..Grace, Goodness, and Love may not make sense to our small, limited selves, but they are who we really are at our centers.

“Faith does not depend on physical facts or on the evidence of the senses because it is born of intuition, or the Spirit of Truth, ever living at the center of our being. Its action is infinitely higher than that of reason. It is founded on Truth, while reasoning or intellectual argument is founded on evidence of the senses and is not reliable.

Intuition is the open end, within one’s own being, of the invisible channel ever connecting each individual with God. Faith is, as it were, a ray of light shot out from the central sun, God, one end of which ray comes into your being and mine through the open door of intuition.” from,  Lessons in Truth, by H. Emilie Cady (1848-1941)

Fred admiring the bouquet I picked yesterday

I’ve been so moved by the book, Proof of Heaven, that this morning, I decided to look up Dr. Eben Alexander’s schedule thinking that I would love to see him in person sometime. As it turns out, he is speaking TONIGHT in Liverpool NY which is about a 3 hr. drive for me. “This is truly amazing!” was my first thought. It is, for me, another affirmation that everything is moving exactly as it should. When I need, or want, something (want from my higher self that is, not necessarily what my ego thinks I need in the moment…a big difference!), it shows up. It presents itself for me to say yes (or no) to.

We are constantly getting guidance to move forward, wait, or to take a different direction. The more aware I become of the larger dimension of My-Self, the more I recognize the constant, loving, guidance that is as close as my breath, my beating heart, my deep desires.

This book, although recommended to me by many people, didn’t really make it into my consciousness until Wed. afternoon, when we arrived back home from looking at the house in Middlebury. As I walked back into our current home, feeling all sorts of emotions; hope, excitement, doubt, and anticipation, I saw it on our coffee table (having just borrowed it on Sunday from my future daughter-in-law) and opened it up…. and didn’t put it down until I went to bed.

After Jack and I had seen the home in Middlebury on Wed., we took a walk through the downtown and talked about going out to breakfast, but  I was so deeply moved emotionally, that I felt I needed to ground myself and re-center, so I suggested that Jack get a bagel, and I decided to go to my new favorite Middlebury thrift store. As I walked into the store I thought, “This is good, I can get my mind off the house for a half hour or so, calm down, and stop this flood of tears” that had begun welling up when we were going through the house.

I am not opposed to crying, actually I think it is wonderful, but it isn’t something that I do very often. It isn’t my usual reaction to life. So when we walked though that home, and I started to feel like I was about to burst open with tears, I was surprised. But when Jack and I got into the car to drive away, and I broke into sobs, I felt a bit like I was coming unglued. So my trip to the thrift store seemed just the ticket to bring me back to myself….or so I thought.

Within a minute of walking inside, a new song began playing on the radio. The tears started again. Really? In the middle of the thrift store?…the name of the song was “Home*” by Philip Phillips, and one of the lines is,”….just know you’re not alone, cause I’m gonna make this place your home.”

OK, I guess I was not meant to “center myself”…I was meant to give in to this flood of feelings, emotions, grace, love, divine coincindence….I’ve been crying in bursts since that moment inside the house…..tears of love and happiness and wonder….and I know without a doubt that none of us is ever alone.

“Without recovering that memory of our larger connectedness, and the unconditional love of our Creator, we will always feel lost here on earth….God is present in us at all times…and loving us without conditions….we are connected as One thorough our divine link with God.” pg 161, Proof of Heaven

Sending you all blessings this weekend of hope, courage, and renewed faith, that you are right where you are supposed to be, surrounded and cradled in the arms of Love.

The video to the song Home is below….it is wonderful!

Fred resting on a book that I’m reading called “Proof of Heaven” I did stage this one! (and this is a wonderful book!)

As many of you know, Jack and I have been hoping to buy a home in Middlebury VT, for about a year. Yesterday, we went through that house. As soon as we walked in the door, it felt like home. One of the owners gave us the tour (as her sweet toddler followed behind, happily playing with a very life-like toy snake). She talked about why they needed to move closer to their jobs, but how much they loved the house. We were not, in that moment, in a position to make her an offer (and there was another couple coming back right after our appointment, for the second time). I made several phone calls when I got home. One of them was for prayer.

As I sat outside, early this morning the thought came to me, “This house is a blessing and you are going to learn more about who you are as you go through the process of waiting to see how the money will manifest, how doors open, how perfectly everything is happening.” That thought brought me to tears, but the next one surprised me even more, and it was, “I pray that the home sells quickly so this little family can move this summer and get settled.” Maybe we’ll be the buyers, maybe not, but I know that it will be perfect either way.

One of the spiritual truths that I Know is this: If something (a job, home, opportunity, relationship, …any thing) is meant to be ours: if it is for our highest and best good, it will be. Our part is not to figure out “how”,  it is simply to know what our hearts desire, and then to hold that vision, knowing that all is well.

“The message had three parts, and if I had to translate them into earthly language, I’d say they ran something like this: ‘You are loved and cherished, dearly,  forever. You have nothing to fear. There is nothing you can do wrong.” from the book Proof of Heaven,by Eben Alexander, M.D.,  page 41

http://www.youtube.com/v/pfxB5ut-KTs

“The happiness of life is made up of minute fractions–the little, soon forgotten charities of a kiss or a smile, a kind look or heartfelt compliment.” Samuel Taylor Coleridge