Leaving our mark on the world

Noah napping

A few weeks ago, I went on a trip with my brother to Florida. On our drive back home, we stopped at a Wendy’s in North Carolina. The woman who took our order was in her 40′s or 50′s…I couldn’t really tell, but she had a light within her that felt like a warm hug. It was so comforting to be in her presence for those few minutes as she asked what we wanted and took our money. The restaurant was busy, but she didn’t seem rushed.

She looked into my eyes when she spoke…and she smiled. It was obvious that she wasn’t wrapped up in her own mind, or lamenting that at her age, she should be somewhere other than working at Wendy’s. She wasn’t complaining about her lot, or her life, or the state of the world.

She was present. And maybe I noticed it because it seems to be a quality that is uncommon; being happy where we are, touching those around us with our light. Not striving to be important or noticed or acknowledged for “our work”. She showed me, in a brief moment what presence was, and she left an impression on me that felt like Love.

When I ask myself the question, “What should I do with my life!?”, as if living and loving and being kind isn’t really enough, then that question becomes a tyrant to me, prodding me, throwing examples before my eyes of all of the successful ones who have “made it” and who have done something big and have left their mark on the world in a big way (always as opposed to me). I don’t think that we can strive to find meaning in life. I think that striving and struggling make us tired and self-concerned.

I think it’s better to smile at ourselves in the mirror and to take that smile with us and share it with the world.

“For better or for worse, I’ve watched people die in front of me. I see how they are in the end. And they’re not cynical. In the end, they wanna hold somebody’s hand. And that’s real to me.” Mitch Albom

 

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Little moments of Grace

Fred on the kitchen counter

When I first got sober, I worked very closely with a woman who’d been in AA for 5 years. She was a mentor (in the anonymous programs this person is called a sponsor). My husband and I had just bought a home, and were in the process of moving from married student housing at the university to our new home, and my sponsor showed up in the middle of this. She asked me how I was doing, and I’m sure that I said something like, “Fine”, but  I remember thinking, “I don’t have time for you right now. I have a million things to do!” Then she said something that I’ll never forget. She looked me in the eyes and said, “Don’t make this move like a drunk.”

I must have looked confused because she explained to me that the breathless rushing about, throwing things into boxes (to sort later), barking orders at others, and just being in a state of mini-frenzy and panic was how we lived when we were actively drinking. She went on to say that true sober behaviour was more thoughtful, quiet, and centered. She also said I’d get more done (which I sincerely doubted) if I would slow down, breath, and move without rushing.

We’ve all been in the presence of those who seem too busy to even notice us, and I dare say, we’ve all been the ones too busy to notice. Rushing, panic, and worry send signals to everyone around us (and even to the cells of our own bodies) that “something is wrong!”

How about taking this weekend to slow down (at least mentally), to breath, to appreciate ourselves and those beings around us, to love this little moment in time.

“Love by the way you walk, the way you sit, the way you eat. This world very much needs love.” Thich Nhat Hanh

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Letting go; moment by moment

In the winter, I grow wheatgrass for the cats to munch on, but this pot was grown as a gift for my brother’s cat. Eleanor had other ideas.

I woke up at 4:30 this morning, and it seemed like the command, “Let go!” was being spoken right into my head. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to let go of, but even saying the words, let go, felt calming, so this is going to be my affirmation for today….and maybe for this entire holiday time.

There has been a lot of talk about the significance of today. It is officially the last day of the Mayan calendar which began in 3114 B.C. E. and ends (5,126 years later) this very day! Whether you feel this date is significant or not, it seems like the perfect day to let go of some old pattern, belief, or mind-set that you have been holding onto. I intend to let go of the idea that I there is something wrong with this moment.

I invite you today to share something that you would like to let go of.

“If you surrender completely to the moments as they pass, you live more richly those moments.” Anne Morrow Lindbergh

 

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Letting my heart lead the way, changing my mind

Noah investigating the, "Peacock with very interesting praying god (?) riding on its back" statue that I recently found at Goodwill

We  spent a wonderful Easter with Tom and Lindsay (my oldest son and his girlfriend) and her family. Tom moved back to the northeast a year ago, and this is the first time, in many years that we’ve lived within driving distance of each other.  On Sunday, it struck me that if Jack and I moved to the seacoast, we’d be 4, (instead of 2 1/2), hours away from them…. It was as if a curtain was drawn back and the options on the blackboard were:

You can live by the ocean and see it everyday, and visit Tom 4 or 5 times a year, or  You can live closer to him and go to the ocean 4 or 5 times a year.

The answer felt so obvious that I was a bit awe-struck. I was talking with my good friend Jon yesterday about out potential move, (and how we had changed direction and were now looking at Middlebury, VT instead of the seacoast) and he said, “That sounds right. Don’t ever move for a view, because after a while, you don’t even see it.” His words went right to my heart. Simple words spoken with such clarity.

I was 22 years old when Tom was born. I thought that I was an adult. As I look back over those years, I see how “un-present” I was, and I’ve done my best to accept the past, make amends where needed, and embrace the life that is now mine. But at 56, and with this opportunity to re-enter his life in this new way, and at this stage of my life; knowing more fully who I am (and having my priorities much clearer), my heart knows the right move.

“I reserve the right to change my mind.” Charles Fillmore (co-founder of Unity)

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Too much information

This morning: The misty field across from our home

Last evening, I heard a mew outside. I knew that it wasn’t one of our cats (or our neighbor’s cats). It was the cry of a kitten, but I couldn’t see it. I went outdoors, in the fading light, trying to see if I could locate the direction of the crying and caught a glimpse of the small yellow kitten on the edge of the field across the street.

I grabbed a plate of cat food and headed across the road, gently calling to it, and thinking at the same time, “We do not need another cat. I wonder if my friend Diana wants another cat? How did a kitten get in the field? Mandy said she wanted a kitten, I wonder if she would want this one?  If I can get him/her where can it stay tonight? I wonder if it is sick? It probably has fleas and loads of ticks…”  Just on and on. Questions, doubts, all the while calling kitty, kitty, kitty.

It was very small, and obviously afraid of people. As soon as it saw me it ran into the deep grass and disappeared. I stayed for a while trying to coax it out and then left the food, hoping it would at least eat. 15 minutes later I heard it again and again I tried to get it, but could not. Then a huge thunderstorm rolled in. The kitten ran across the road and into the woods. I thought about it off and on all night. Said prayers for its safety.

I heard it again this morning, but still could not find it. I left more food out, hoping to bring it nearer to us. As I reflected on the situation, part of me longed for the “simpler days”. When I was a child, if I found a stray kitten or cat I brought it home without a thought of its state of health, the effect it would have on our other cats, or me.  Now I have much more information. Information about cat diseases, flea infestation, cat socialization and the time it takes to integrate a new animal into the home, statistics about this being the time of year when many kittens are born and are very hard to place. When does “information” stop being helpful and start making me crazy?! When I get into the future.

If I stay in the moment, I am fine. If I see a hungry kitten, I am going to feed it. If it will let me touch it, I will bring it home. That is all I need to know right now. I feel a deep sense of relief when I stay out of the future”what if’s”.

 

“He who is not everyday conquering some fear, has not learned the secret of life.”  Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

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