Savoring every moment

Tommy and me (31 years ago… living in graduate student housing and getting ready for Matt to be born)

My oldest son Tom recently became engaged, and as I look at the wonderful new photographs, I’ve also felt drawn to look at old photographs, and to remind myself to savor every moment, slow down and be present. 31 years ago, Tom was 3 years old and I was 25. I can remember the day that photograph was taken as we stood on the steps of our little rented apartment.

Tommy’s dad and I were talking about life with a new baby: wondering how things would change with two little kids, if we were going to have a boy or a girl, how Tommy would react to the new baby, deciding which nursery school to send Tommy to in the fall. These were some of the questions that we had back then, and it seemed like we were always in a rush to get them answered, so we could move on to the next thing.

Today we are talking about Tom and Lindsay’s wedding. There are questions that are, in the moment, unanswered. One of the biggest illusions (in life) is that we will somehow get all of our ducks lined up, all of our questions answered, so we can sit back and relax, but this isn’t life. There will always be questions, decisions and future events to be considered, so we are going to relax now: in the planning, in the questions, in the delightful uncertainty that is Life.

We are still planning: planning on savoring every moment of this magical time!

Tom and Lindsay on the day of their engagement, August 15th  

“Today is life: the only life you are sure of. Make the most of today. Shake yourself awake. Let the winds of enthusiasm sweep through you. Dale Carnegie

The website of their friend, and amazing photographer who took these photos, Derek DiLuzio, is:  http://derekdiluzio.com

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It is never to late to look for the gifts

Matt (in the center) living his dream

I remember the day that I found out that my son Matt would be going onto the crab fishing boat named The Wizard. The fears that kept wanting to creep into my mind were really small compared to the confidence that I felt, and still feel, in his sense of inner-direction. Matt would never accept anyone else’s idea about what he should be doing with his life. He has a great respect for people, listens carefully to their experience, judgment, and ideas, but in the end, he follows his heart.

For years, I couldn’t see the gifts that my own parents gave to me. What I considered to be their “defects” just seemed too big.  My parents are both now well into their 80′s (my father will be 87 in May), and when I told them that Matt had realized a dream; to be filming on the Deadliest Catch, they  both said, “How great! I am so proud of him!” Neither said anything about safety or caution or questioned whether or not he was up to it.

I’m not sure that my parents ever really believed in themselves, but they, especially in later years, have developed an unquestioning support and belief in me and what I am doing with my life. I feel the same way about my sons.

“Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit“. e.e. cummings

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a more complete picture

Fred appreciating the "flip side" of the blanket

A friend and I were talking the other day, as we drove to The Women’s Exchange, in Williamstown MA (another great thrift store), and she was just casually talking about a trip that she had taken with her daughters; showing them the place where she met their father, the places where they had first gone as a couple…nice stories for her children to hear. What really struck me as remarkable though, was the fact that she is no longer married to her children’s father…they have been divorced for some time now, and even though there were plenty of reasons for not-so-good stories to come out, she chose to also share with them the good, to give them a more complete picture.

I was deeply impressed by this. What a gift for those girls to hear good things about their father.  It made me wonder how balanced a view my own sons received from me about their father? It also made me question why I felt reluctant to do something like this now. It’s too late for me to take my sons on a ride like that, but I can do it on paper, and in my mind. I had planned on doing this as a writing exercise the day after our trip, but haven’t yet. I generally don’t write about things, here on the blog, in “theory”, but just hearing her story, and making the effort to think in this new way, changed me and made me open up to something that I didn’t even know was closed off. I am looking forward to getting out a notebook and writing down all of the good, happy, powerful and positive experiences that I had with my ex-husband, my children’s father.

“Our judgments judge us, and nothing reveals us, exposes our weaknesses, more ingeniously than the attitude of pronouncing upon our fellows.” Paul Valery

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Watch out!

Patty catches Wonder in the act of being cute!

Many years ago, when my sons were little, and I was struggling with how to be a good parent; wanting them to grow up to be secure, happy, self-realized people, someone said to me, “I always try to catch my children doing something great.” This statement was such a shock to me; such a change from the attitude of watching out for trouble, the prevalent societal mindset of ” These are the warning signs and the things to be aware of in your kids behaviour….” I never forgot this and did my best to incorporate it into my philosophy of parenting.

It goes beyond parenting though. I want to approach life and living this way too; being always aware of the great things that people around me are doing, believing that the universe is “conspiring to bless me”….conspiring to bless us all. Watch out! Something great might happen to you today!!

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It is never too late

I was reading a very good book the other day, Write it Down, Make it Happen: Knowing what you want and getting it! by Henriette Anne Klauser and came to a paragraph that moved me deeply. On page 161 she says, “I know a new dad who wrote a letter to his just-born son. ‘Let the rest of the world be the heavy. I want to be your champion.‘” She was talking about this in the context of having friends that are supportive when we venture into something new.

I read that quote and SO MUCH wished that I had written that to my sons, now 29 and 33, when they were born. It was a little late, but I sent it to them that day. They both appreciated it. It is never too late to tell someone how we feel or felt.

The older I get the more I see how loving support, looking for what someone is doing right, “lighting up” when I see a friend, and celebrating each other, is where I want to go….these are the people that I want to be around too. I don’t mean false flattery or compliments…we can all feel them. There is a great quote, “Truth without love is cruel and love without truth is a lie.” I am talking about the everyday good thoughts and feelings that I have about my friends and family that might be forgotten and never spoken.

I am going to set an intention this week to tell people, if a positive thought of them comes into my mind, no matter how long ago it happened, what I am thinking/feeling for them. This is going to be fun!

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