the happy trip

Esther always finds comfort

In 12 days, we will be leaving for Mexico. I’ve been doing a lot of planning; looking at the Mayan ruin sites, calculating driving distances, reading reviews of local restaurants and rental car companies and deciding how much money to have converted to pesos beforehand. I am a planner. I’m good at it, and I really like it, but I also need to be aware when my inner voice says, “You’ve moved from having fun investigating, into fear and worry that you’ll forget something; won’t pack the right clothes, or have the right gear, leave detailed enough instructions for our pet/house sitter, or the instructions will be so detailed that they’ll be confusing….the list will not end unless I stop it. It’s as if my conscious mind (calling itself “responsible”) is desperately trying to stuff my life into a little box; one that is neat, safe and tidy.

When this happens, it is time to step away and re-orient myself to what is important about the trip. My “purpose” on this vacation is really no different from my purpose everyday, and that is to remember who I am, to remember that I am here to awaken to the Love that is inside me, to shine that light of Love, and to look for it in all that I meet in this great trip called Life.

When I’m afraid or worried I am unconsciously looking for what is wrong. If I don’t catch this, I’ll start attracting those energies and will end up having a rough ride instead of a relaxing journey. Fear, concern, or worry are all contracting, small energies. They are self-centered to the extreme, and are good indicators that I have forgotten that there is a huge, benevolent, Loving force running in, through and around me (and everyone else) and the only thing that I need to do to feel a part of it is to drop the negative thoughts and look for the love, connection and happy coincidences; to allow myself to be swept along by the arms of Love and to enjoy the trip!

“A journey is a person in itself; no two are alike. And all plans, safeguards, policing, and coercion are fruitless. We find that after years of struggle that we do not take a trip; a trip takes us“. John Steinbeck

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Imagining the life of our dreams

Debra Saum's cat Oscar in her tub! Her wonderful website is: http://www.debrasaum.com

A few days ago, I noticed that I was feeling a bit off. Then I had a dream that I was back in school and my sons were babies and I couldn’t get to them…..back in struggle. This is an old dream for me and a signal to look at my thinking. It wasn’t hard to see what I had been envisioning (about this new project that I had taken on). I’d been trying very hard to figure out how to do it. I was feeling somewhat alone and afraid that I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t staying true to the end result and seeing it done, I was mentally and emotionally in the frustration of, “How am I going to do this?” I was actually imagining it failing.

If I am not being totally honest with myself, or self-aware enough to notice what I am thinking during the day time, my dreams always show me. And when they are fought with negative feelings and scenes, I know that my thinking has slipped into an old track and my mind is entertaining negative images and scenarios. Equally true, when my dreams are  filled with wonderful, expansive, new and exciting or interesting scenes, even if I doubt my current path, I am reassured that I am heading in the right direction.

It is as if we are playing repetitive tapes in our minds constantly while we are awake, and get so used to these thoughts and images, they have become so much a part of us, that we don’t question or challenge them. Also, we don’t really think that they are that important, or believe that our thoughts really have much to do with our lives.

Emile Coue once said, “When the imagination and will power are in conflict, are antagonistic, it is always the imagination which wins, without any exception.” So I can want something, have a huge desire for a better life, but if I only imagine difficulty, struggle and lack, no matter how much I “want” something new, what I imagine will win out.

So how do we start playing new tapes?  How do we use imagination to create what we would like instead of what we dread or fear? First, we have to see (become aware of) what we are thinking and then start saying/thinking something new. I love the simple, yet powerful affirmation below. I’ve put it up here before but it is a wonder if used “properly”. If I’ve been thinking unhappy, negative thoughts hundreds of times a day, I won’t change if I start saying something new 3 or 4 times a day. Really give it a try. Write out an affirmation and put it in your pocket and say it, feel it, every hour or half hour, then notice what changes.

Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better. Emile Coue

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Living in imagination instead of memory

Our destination: Tulum, Mexico

A few weeks ago, my sons were talking about going on a fishing trip when Matt (my youngest) returned from Alaska. I said, almost hesitantly, “What would you think about me coming along?” I didn’t think that they would really want this. I imagined them hemming and hawing and then saying something like, “Well, there really won’t be anything for you to do. We’ll be gone all day….” But this didn’t happen. Tom said, “That would be great.” No definite plans were made at that point, because Matt was unreachable until the boat he was on returned to shore.

It all felt somewhat like a dream until Friday when I talked with Matt and he was excited that we (Jack and I) were coming. There are so many aspects of this trip that I would like to write about, and probably will over the next few weeks until we leave, but what struck me the most last night was how even when something so good as this trip is presented, my mind will toss up fearful thoughts to try to stop me.

I’ve noticed that every time I step out and do something bigger than my present life, something that involves leaving my home and animals, spending more money in a concentrated period of time than usual, or going somewhere unknown, that I get afraid. I first realized this 24 years ago, when I went on a 8 day trip to New Mexico that also involved a vision quest. My sons were 6 and 10 at the time, and before I left, I had terrible thoughts that something awful would happen to them while I was away. These thoughts kept me up at night and sent terrifying shocks through me during the day. I didn’t realize, at that point in my life, that I had any power at all to change (or to choose) my thoughts. I believed every scary one that came along. When I happened to mention this to a good friend she said, “Every time I used to hear a siren, ambulance or police, I thought that something had happened to my family. That is a pretty ego-centric way to live.” Her words shocked me. I had never heard anyone say anything like that before. I thought that worry about my children, family and home was “responsible.”

When I went to bed last night, I could feel these frightening thoughts and images starting to make their way into my head. I started to feel very agitated until I said to myself, “I am going on this trip and it is going to be wonderful. I can’t wait to see how this all unfolds. It is going to be pure magic and heaven!” I could feel my body start to relax and my mind settle down. I imagined myself floating in the turquoise water and drifted into a peaceful sleep.

“I can change. I can live out my imagination instead of my memory. I can tie myself to my limitless potential instead of my limiting past.”  Stephen Covey

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Internal compass

smiling sky...today

I visited my mother yesterday who has been ill for a couple of weeks. When I first saw her, I felt alarmed. She  looked scared; her skin was grey and she had  huge dark circles under her eyes. She hadn’t wanted me to visit but when I insisted, I think that she was relieved. Toward the end of the visit, she just happened to mention that the person doing her taxes was very concerned about a large chunk of money that seemed to be missing. They found the issue a couple of weeks ago and told her that they would get back to her but she hadn’t heard anything and had not called them either.

I asked her what she had done about this and she said that she was using “positive thinking” and every time she thought about it, she got so sick to her stomach that she wasn’t thinking about it.  She hadn’t really been able to eat in a couple of weeks. I realized as we talked that she had been so frightened about this tax issue, that it was compounding her illness. I asked her if she would mind if I made a call to a friend who is a CPA and then my mother herself, made a call to the tax preparers. I looked over at her talking on the phone, while I made her a quiche, and I could see the color returning to her face. She called last night to say that she was feeling much better. Nothing about the tax issue has been resolved yet but she wasn’t afraid anymore.

Positive thinking is not ignoring feelings. It is not just repeating rote affirmations over and over, while underneath feeling terror. It is acknowledging the feelings, and working to change them before we take action. I always ask myself the question, “What thought can I think right now about this situation that would make me feel better?” and then I stay with it until I actually feel the change. As I begin to feel better, either the solution (or next step for me to take) presents itself or the problem seems to dissolve. Sometimes I need to take action, sometimes I don’t, but either way, I never ignore my feelings. They are my internal compass, letting me know if I am going in the right direction.

“Success comes from taking the initiative and following up… persisting… eloquently expressing the depth of your love. What simple action could you take today to produce a new momentum toward success in your life?” Tony Robbins

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The call of life

Eleanor

In 1986 I drank my last alcoholic beverage. At the time, I didn’t know that it would be my last. I was 30 years old and had gone to a Joan Armatrading concert with 2 friends. I was supposed to be the designated driver, but ended up drinking 2 beers and smoking a joint. I still drove home. Nothing bad happened. No accident or close call. Neither of my friends said anything. By all outward appearances, it was a pretty tame evening. I woke up the next day with a sense of remorse and guilt that was unprecedented (and I had experienced some pretty remorseful mornings in my life). The question that was going through my mind, which I had never allowed myself to entertain before, was, “Why couldn’t I not drink?”

I decided to go a week without having even a glass of wine. I went through the first weekend and extended the “fast”. 12 days later, I was running, and had an epiphany. For most of my adult life, I’d felt like I was living on an emotional roller-coaster, but on this run I noticed that feeling was gone, and it was replaced by something totally foreign; inner peace. For years, even though I did most of my heavy drinking in my teens, and my life looked good on the outside, I knew that drinking was a problem for me. By my 20′s I drank much less, but it had become a game of limiting and controlling what I drank, to avoid feeling out of control.

The few times that I considered quitting, I just couldn’t imagine what life would be like without alcohol. I couldn’t imagine going to a Christmas party or out to a nice dinner without having a drink. And what about when my sons got married? Wasn’t I even going to have a glass of champagne ? I loved the idea of celebrating with alcohol and held onto the  illusion of drinking as relaxing, fun and uplifting. I believed that alcohol was the thing that brought sparkle to my life. I believed that it was the thing holding my life together, even though, if I had been able to look at it honestly, this was not my experience. Losing control of myself; talking or laughing too loud, or too much, forgetting what I had said, waking up feeling sick and tired, hung-over and embarrassed, was more my reality than the one of me as the care-free woman toasting friends at a dinner party.

Inside of me a voice was screaming, “Something is wrong here! This is not working for you!” I didn’t stop drinking because I thought that life would be better. I thought life would be boring and dull. I stopped because I just couldn’t do what I was doing anymore. There is an expression, “I was sick and tired of being sick and tired” and that was all that I knew.

25+ years have passed since that fateful day in July of 1986 when I had my last drink. My life has been anything but boring! The fears that life would lack luster and vitality were not only unfounded, they were lies. I came alive inside when I stopped drinking. A part of me emerged that I didn’t even know existed. I really started to live the day I stopped drinking.

Life is always calling to us to come up higher; to grow and expand and change. To step into an unknown world. Sometimes the call is exciting and looks like adventure and sometimes we change because we feel like there is no other option. It doesn’t matter. Say yes, move forward, take the risk that the change you fear will open a door to a new life for you.

“The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance”. Alan Watts

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time to leave the past in the past, and see with new eyes

Luke is Jack's perfect travelling companion

Jack loves taking back roads and finding the longest possible way to get from one place to another…he is a true meanderer. When I was first dating him, we went out for a ride one day and I really had to go to the bathroom, so I suggested that we go directly back to his house and he said OK.

40 minutes later, after going over miles of dirt roads, past farms and fields and cows, we pulled onto what seemed like almost the exact location we had been 40 minutes before. When I said “This looks so familiar” he casually said, “Oh it is. My house is only a few miles up the road. I thought you’d like to see more of this beautiful county!” I had been wiggling in my seat for the past 40 minutes, praying every time we went over a bump that I could hold on, and we had only been a few minutes from his house.

I was in the bathroom thinking, “He is clueless, and selfish and inconsiderate. Maybe we shouldn’t be dating. This might be a mistake.”  When I came out of the bathroom, he knew that I was upset, but didn’t say anything for a few minutes (which led me to add to my growing list of his shortcomings; “unable to communicate”). At that point I told him that I was going to go home, and he said, “Wait. I am so sorry, I just wanted to be with you a little longer and I knew when we got back, you’d have to go home. I didn’t realize that you had to go to the bathroom that bad or I wouldn’t have driven around. You have to believe me Mary.”

Preconceived ideas about someones motives, second-guessing them, pigeon-holing their behaviour can ruin relationships, sometimes before they even begin. I was 45 years old when I started dating Jack, and had experienced my share of poor relationships. I didn’t realize, at the time, how afraid I was, how guarded, how much I was looking for signs of trouble so I could get out before I got hurt. I didn’t trust myself to make a good decision when it came to my love life, and this fear of not being safe, led me to over-analyze and dissect every move Jack made that looked like potential trouble.

Seeing the present through the scared, troubled, eyes of the past, only ensures that I will see more of the same. People say to me all of the time things like, “But looking at everything through the eyes of love doesn’t even make sense! I have to be on guard. I can’t be a Pollyanna about life or I will really be in trouble. There are real things to be worried about out there!” But just the opposite is true. Our work here is develop an inner trust first. It isn’t an easy thing to do. All of us have been hurt by others, and all of us have hurt others. But If I stay in a wrong relationship (or job, or circumstance) because I am afraid there is nothing better for me, or turn down an opportunity (or a new relationship) because I am afraid of getting hurt, then in both cases, I am letting fear make my decisions, and the path will lead to a smaller, less-happy, duller life, and this isn’t really living.

We can start today taking steps into the new lives that we would love to be living, and the place where we start is in our own minds. When we change inside, the world begins to show us a new reality too.  A really good affirmation to say to yourself, over and over is: “I can trust myself.”

“As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live“. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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Dissolving the fear in our minds

Luke and his new toy

Luke is our big, long-haired German Shepherd. He is a goofy, loveable guy who makes the most of his life with 6 cats, none of whom want to play with him. He was born different…he didn’t even look like the other puppies in the litter, and by the time he was 6 weeks old, he couldn’t stand on his hind legs, but he was a sweet puppy both in looks and temperament. The breeder was a friend of ours, and offered him to us because he couldn’t be sold. We said yes. It was recommended that we get his hips x-rayed since hip problems can be an issue with shepherds. We didn’t do it.

I knew that if I heard from our vet that Luke had bad hips, I would never be able to get the image out of my mind, and what we imagine and fear, will start to manifest. We decided instead to accept him the way that he was, wiggly hips and all, and only do something medically if he was in pain, which he wasn’t. He will be 4 years old in May.

There is an idea, a belief system, operating in the world that we must prepare for disaster. That worry, fear, and massive amounts of information about every disease, disorder and disaster that could potentially befall us (or those that we love), will help avert those things from coming, and just the opposite is true. What we prepare for, we are making room for, in our lives.

Hyper-vigilance prevents us from being able to listen to the voice within, which is our greatest gift, our best friend. Whether you call that voice the “still small voice of God”, intuition, guidance, guardian angel or gut feeling, it really doesn’t matter, but what does matter is the knowing inside that we can trust ourselves. That if we tune into that “voice”, for direction, we will be guided toward the correct action, toward the lives that we want, instead of the lives that we fear. The Spirit never scares us into action. When I am in-tune with my inner guidance, and I do need to take action about some thing that could end up being a problem, I get a “nudge” that might feel like an unusual thought, and if I don’t listen, it gets more persistent (and this is a good thing), but it doesn’t lead by fear.

“The world we see that seems so insane is the result of a belief system that is not working. To perceive the world differently, we must be willing to change our belief system, let the past slip away, expand our sense of now, and dissolve the fear in our minds“. William James

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Watch your step

I hardly ever watch or listen to the news. I’m happy about this. A few days ago, my son Matt finished up filming for a T.V. show that he works on called, The Deadliest Catch. It’s filmed in Alaska, and I guess they just had a storm that was the biggest one in 40 years. I’m really happy I didn’t know this at the time. I’ve never seen the show that Matt works on, and probably never will. I can keep a detached enthusiasm for his life when I don’t see the scary details…which I can do nothing about anyway.

I try not to watch, read or listen to things that scare me. If something is designed to get my attention by inducing fear (worry and concern are just nice names for fear), then I know it is out of alignment with my higher self, and if I “entertain it”, I will feel like I’m out on the ragged edge all alone, worrying about the next step (or even more futile; worrying about someone else’s next step!) and not paying attention to where I am going.

Worry is not a good energy to attach to anything or anyone. Life has a way of working out perfectly if I focus on what I want, instead of what I fear, on what is going right, instead of what could potentially go wrong.

“The next moment is as much beyond our grasp, and as much in God’s care, as that a hundred years away. Care for the next minute is as foolish as care for a day in the next thousand years. In neither can we do anything, in both, God is doing everything.” C. S. Lewis

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The friendly universe

Luke: friendly and trusting!

I started going to the Manchester Thrift store 10 years ago. Oddly enough, I was somewhat intimidated by the volunteers…most were older women who lived in Manchester (a wealthy town) and wanted something to do with their free time. One woman in particular, Barbara, made me quite uncomfortable. I would try to be friendly with her, always saying something like, “Hi, or Good morning” but she rarely even acknowledged me. It seemed like she almost scowled when I entered the store.

I started imagining that she was thinking negative things about me like, “Why does she shop at the thrift store? This is for people who need help.” As time went by, I began thinking that I just wouldn’t go back there. Then one day, when a woman ahead of me was checking out, I noticed that Barbara was not acknowledging her either. The woman assisting at the checkout said, “You need to speak up. Barbara is almost completely deaf.”

Everything changed in that moment. It was my perception of the situation that was completely wrong and all I needed to do, literally, was speak up. Barbara has become one of my most favorite volunteers. She is 90 and funny and sweet and always saves me good books, after she reads them (the last one was The Help). I believe that we live in a friendly universe but we have to drop our unfriendly, fearful, insecure thoughts to access it.

“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so”. Mark Twain

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Fear not!

For about a week, the weather forecast has predicted that we are heading into a hot spell; 4 days of 90 degrees or more. I decided to clear my calendar and take a mini-vacation. I did not plan on going away,  just thought I’d spend a part of everyday on the river. The idea came to me yesterday to go to Maine. By the time I went to bed last night, the plan was set and I am scheduled to leave this morning for the 4 hour drive. Before drifting off to sleep last night, a burst of anxiety shot through me. If it could speak it would have said, “You cannot go away!” and then it would go on and on and give me all of the reasons why this was a really bad idea.

I used to listen to this voice. Thought that it was guidance. I know better now. Not that every plan I make is “divinely guided”. I’ve changed my mind plenty of times. But the voice/feeling of Spirit is not one of fear and anxiety. It does not shout at me (and list all of my character defects to support itself), as it tries to change my plans. The voice of God does not threaten, scare, or otherwise escalate my fear, to try to stop me from going forward.

I know this scary voice. It is that part of my ego that wants to keep me small and “safe”.  To every new idea, it yells, “Get back, it is a trap! This is not going to work out well for you!” So I have to say to it, “Thank you for sharing, I am going anyway”, knowing that if a decision is not right, I will be moved in the right direction.

“Fear not, for I am with you” Isaiah 41:10

P.S. I’ll send you a picture from the beach!

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