Living in imagination instead of memory

Our destination: Tulum, Mexico

A few weeks ago, my sons were talking about going on a fishing trip when Matt (my youngest) returned from Alaska. I said, almost hesitantly, “What would you think about me coming along?” I didn’t think that they would really want this. I imagined them hemming and hawing and then saying something like, “Well, there really won’t be anything for you to do. We’ll be gone all day….” But this didn’t happen. Tom said, “That would be great.” No definite plans were made at that point, because Matt was unreachable until the boat he was on returned to shore.

It all felt somewhat like a dream until Friday when I talked with Matt and he was excited that we (Jack and I) were coming. There are so many aspects of this trip that I would like to write about, and probably will over the next few weeks until we leave, but what struck me the most last night was how even when something so good as this trip is presented, my mind will toss up fearful thoughts to try to stop me.

I’ve noticed that every time I step out and do something bigger than my present life, something that involves leaving my home and animals, spending more money in a concentrated period of time than usual, or going somewhere unknown, that I get afraid. I first realized this 24 years ago, when I went on a 8 day trip to New Mexico that also involved a vision quest. My sons were 6 and 10 at the time, and before I left, I had terrible thoughts that something awful would happen to them while I was away. These thoughts kept me up at night and sent terrifying shocks through me during the day. I didn’t realize, at that point in my life, that I had any power at all to change (or to choose) my thoughts. I believed every scary one that came along. When I happened to mention this to a good friend she said, “Every time I used to hear a siren, ambulance or police, I thought that something had happened to my family. That is a pretty ego-centric way to live.” Her words shocked me. I had never heard anyone say anything like that before. I thought that worry about my children, family and home was “responsible.”

When I went to bed last night, I could feel these frightening thoughts and images starting to make their way into my head. I started to feel very agitated until I said to myself, “I am going on this trip and it is going to be wonderful. I can’t wait to see how this all unfolds. It is going to be pure magic and heaven!” I could feel my body start to relax and my mind settle down. I imagined myself floating in the turquoise water and drifted into a peaceful sleep.

“I can change. I can live out my imagination instead of my memory. I can tie myself to my limitless potential instead of my limiting past.”  Stephen Covey

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We’ve got it backwards!

Fred sleeping in cat cube...feet and tail sticking out!

I spent a good part of this weekend, going over relationships from my past and casting them in a new light. The most interesting and difficult visualization was imagining that my former mother-in-law and I were talking about what we appreciated in each other.  It took a while to even be able to see her saying something nice about me, because over the years, when I imagined conversations with her (or thought what she might be saying about me) it was always negative.

I found it equally interesting that it was hard for me to really think of anything (honestly) good to say about her either. I felt like I was operating a very old, rusty piece of equipment that was not going to work without a lot of oil! But I kept at it until I felt a warm thought surface; I imagined a little smile on her face. That led to more positive words and thoughts, and I ended up with a short, comfortable scene playing in my mind. As I sit here this morning, writing about her, writing about me, I feel a change and it is nice.

So many times, we go through our lives thinking unkind, angry, unpleasant, unhappy thoughts about others, and feel upset that they don’t like or appreciate us more. We have it backwards. If I want someone to appreciate me, I have to think about them in appreciative ways. If I want someone to love me, and I am throwing unloving thoughts their way, I will not get love back. A facade of friendliness, that is covering up feelings of disdain, distrust, disapproval, or dislike, will not produce comfortable, deep relationships. People are going to mirror back to me, my inmost thoughts about them, and also, my inmost thoughts about myself.

It is some of the most challenging work: to imagine the life I would love to live, instead of what I don’t want or what has already been. Living in the past and holding negative views of people and situations from the past is almost like “default” living. It is not creative. When I change the way that I see someone, or some situation, it will change, but I have to hold my new vision steady. I have to use my focus to see something new, let go of the past, and bring a better picture into reality.

“He who does not imagine in a stronger and better light, than his perishing and mortal eye can see, does not imagine at all.” William Blake

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Happy inside and out

A friend of mine has a rather bad habit of creating difficulties with people in her mind. She imagines that they are upset with her for some reason, and then starts either defending or explaining herself, so she feels “right” and the other person, of course, ends up being “wrong”. For instance, if someone hasn’t called her for a while, she will start thinking of possible reasons for this; did she say something that they didn’t like? Maybe they didn’t like the gift that she gave them? She returned their call, but could it be that their daughter, who she left the message with, didn’t tell them and now they are upset with her?

I’ve said to her, a number of times, “If you want to talk with (them), why don’t you call?” and she always replies with either, “Well, I don’t really care (which is obviously not true) or, If they don’t have the consideration to call me, then why should I bother? The truth is, whether she ever speaks with them again or not, she is in a relationship with them, and it is one that is unhappy, unpleasant, and is draining her energy. This is such a bad habit. I wish that I could say that I couldn’t identify with it.

So many times, we can imagine a difficult, unpleasant or unhappy scenario playing out in our minds, easier than we can see an easy, pleasant and happy one. The difficult one seems like “reality”, the happy, easy, one seems like fantasy. When we are under a lot of stress (like during the holidays maybe) it can be more difficult to lasso our wild, unruly minds that at times seem to gravitate toward the negative.

Last week, someone said something to me that, at the time, didn’t bother me. But as I thought about it, I became more uncomfortable, and then my mind started offering up other things that he had said to me that seemed slightly critical. Suddenly I was defending myself, in an imaginary conversation.

I caught this, and then used a tool that I absolutely love,  I replayed the conversation with him, in my mind but this time I was telling him how much I appreciated him, what I loved about our friendship and I imagined him saying the same things to me. I imagined the scenario that I wanted to happen, until it felt more real than the negative one. Several hours later, he called to say that he had been thinking about me, and  just wanted to let me know how much he appreciated me. This conversation mirrored almost to the word, the one I had played in my mind several hours earlier.

This is such a powerful tool. To use it requires nothing but your willingness to give it a try, and a bit of imagination. We can create happy lives, but we have to do it in our own minds first.

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waking up to a new life

Bodhi on one of the new red/orange velvet chairs

One day last week, I was passing by a little second-hand store in Cambridge, and saw these two old velvet chairs. They were stuffed with down, soft and squishy (my idea of perfect furniture). They’re even a little hard to get out of, which invites relaxation. When I got them home, I sat in one and imagined that they were once owned by a happy, fun couple. I could see us (I had joined them in my mind) sitting around with friends, laughing and eating (of course!).

Theodore Geisel (Dr. Seuss) once said, “Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living….it wakes up the brain cells…” I have been “playing” with my imagination lately, more like when I was a child, and while this is just plain fun to do, I can also feel it changing me. Something powerful happens when we imagine ourselves, and our lives, in a different way; people, places and things, that we thought were so fixed and solid, begin to change in response to our thought.

I had my coat on Saturday, literally walking out the door, when I had the idea to invite some good friends over for dinner. It felt like the idea just blew in on the wind. I ran it by Jack and he said, “I love it!” Even though this sounds like such a small deal to many, to us it was a huge change. Years of anxiety that our home was too small, and that our cats were too much (for others!), changed in a moment.

That evening we were sitting in our living room, in the new chairs, having the most beautiful, relaxing time imaginable, and even though I never think of our friend Jon as a cat person, he said after that he really enjoyed Fred, who joined us for the meal.

Let’s begin to imagine the lives that we really want to be living, start to play with our wonderful, creative imaginations, and let Life open up even more!

“People who lean on logic, philosophy, and rational exposition end by starving the best part of the mind.” William Butler Yeats

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