what can I bring?

My father taking me (in the carriage) and my sister out for a spin. He was 30 and I was just a few months old when this photo was taken.

My father and I are taking a trip today, but this time I will be doing the driving. He turned 87 this year, and I’ll be 57 next week. When he asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I told him that I would love to go up north (to the Saranac Lake/Paul Smiths area of New York where he grew up) with him and just see it through his eyes for a day.

We’ve talked about taking this trip for the past 10 years and at one point, I seriously doubted it would ever happen because he would never commit. I wasn’t even sure (until he called to confirm 2 days ago) if it we were still on for today, and I had made peace with this possibility …maybe I wasn’t ready until today.

As I think about this, I’m sure it is true. Up until the last few years, I’d still needed something from him. I’m not sure if it was approval, recognition or just attention, but for most of my life, I’d lived with the feeling that I wasn’t getting enough of him. He seemed just out of reach to me and this left me with a grasping feeling, which made me angry at both him and myself.

It wasn’t easy to turn this pattern around; to stop looking for what I was getting from the relationship, and to start thinking about what I was bringing, but the reward had been the feeling that I have even more love to give.

“The tighter you squeeze, the less you have“. Thomas Merton

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A good plan and a hair crime

Fred sleeping by my lap top (when I’m writing on the couch, this is where he likes to be)

A while back, I wrote about my 85-year-old mother wanting to get a computer and me nixing the idea. I really couldn’t imagine her learning any new technology (since she has never shown the slightest interest in anything like this before now). Well, she decided she was going to get one and asked Amanda (her granddaughter, my niece) to drive her to the Apple store where she bought an iPad, and had high-speed internet service by the end of the week. 2 days ago, I received the following email from her;

“I don’t know which Mary I have  but Mary daughter. Igot the hair crime  thanks. Love u bye spelling. I’m sending it anyway
Sent from my iPad”

I’d sent her some hair-gel, and she was thanking me. I loved this! When I called her to tell her how funny her message was she said, “I don’t know how I typed ‘hair crime’ but I thought it was funny so I just sent it.”

I’m so glad that I didn’t get involved with her computer buying when she asked me. I think the combination of me telling her that I didn’t think she would do it (which she admitted got her a little fired-up) and her needing to step out on her own and prove to herself that she could do it, have opened doors that wouldn’t have opened if I (or any of her children) had set her up.

Since Amanda was only passing through town, my mom couldn’t depend on her (long-term) either, so she needed to figure things out for herself. She found (and signed up for) a computer class at the senior center, and I know that this will expand her social circle which is another thing that she’s wanted. At 85, my mother is starting to plan her own life and go for what she wants…I’ve never been so happy to be proven wrong.

“If you don’t design your own life plan, chances are you’ll fall into someone else’s plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much.” Jim Rohn

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Ask…. and let go

“Mama Bird” Hand-colored engraving by Karla Gudeon. Jack and I took a ride to the R. Michelson Gallery in Northampton MA on Wed. afternoon and we fell in love with this little picture, so now it’s home with us….it seems to say to me, “All is well, Let go, Relax and Trust!’
http://www.RMichelson.com

Just about 10 years ago, I was craving a trip to the ocean…the warm, light blue-green clear water felt like it was calling to me. The trouble was, it wasn’t calling to Jack. I tried to talk him into going, but he didn’t want to; said we couldn’t afford it, and wouldn’t talk about it. I  found this to be quite frustrating (to say the least), and I was beginning to resent him.

One day, in despair over my inability to get him to change his mind, (and in my mind he was the only way that I was getting to the ocean) I went out for a run. Half way through I had an epiphany, “I cannot do this anymore. I’m angry at Jack every time I think about this trip, and frustrated with myself for not being able to figure out a way to do it. If I am meant to go on a trip to the ocean then it will have to show up another way. I am letting it go.” And I meant it. I felt a weight lift and a sense of calm came over me.

As I walked into the house after my run, Jack said, “Bob called (my younger brother) and said he’d call you back this morning. I told him that you were running.”

Bob called about 15 minutes later and said, “Hey sis, I just had an idea. I am taking the kids to Sanibell Island for spring break and wanted to know if you would like to join us? There’s an extra bedroom in the condo and it is yours if you want it.”

It was as if I literally “let go” of the thought that Jack had to make this trip happen, and it was finally free to travel out from me and my “one way this has to happen idea”, and find a better path to turn my dream into a reality.

I realize that solutions don’t always come as swiftly as this one did, …but sometimes they do! If you would like a weekend assignment, how about taking one thing in your life that you’ve been wrestling with or trying to figure out,  and let it go, just for the weekend, …give yourself (and your idea) a little room to breath, to relax and refresh. When we turn inside, and change the only thing that really matters; our thoughts and our attitude, life will show up to meet us on that new ground too.

“He who has so little knowledge of human nature as to seek happiness by changing anything but his own disposition will waste his life in fruitless efforts”.  Samuel Johnson

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The Roadblock Prayer

For all of you who asked to see it…the new haircut!

I saw my mother the other day and she loved my new haircut, and said that she wanted to get a similar one. She then asked me to make an appointment for her with my hairstylist, Liz. While I can enthusiastically recommend Liz, I felt a little twinge of discomfort thinking about setting the appointment up. My mother has never liked her hair cut/styles and although I know that she has changed over the past year (and become a lot more positive in general), I had visions of her being unhappy and grumbling about it afterward. I called Liz anyway and left a message.

As I drove home, I thought, “If this is not in the highest and best for everyone, I ask it to be roadblocked.” This “prayer”* is one of the most helpful spiritual tools that I have ever used. Many years ago, I was working as a volunteer for the Norman Vincent Peale Prayer Line, and the director (at that time) was the one who first told me about it.

Sometimes we make commitments, or say yes to something, that we’re not totally comfortable doing, and aren’t sure if we should cancel, or go forward with it. This is the time when the roadblock prayer is so helpful. Basically it says, “I am turning this entire situation over to a Higher Intelligence. I cannot figure out the best course and feel confused when I try to. I am going to move forward with the plan (whatever it may be) but if it is not in the highest and best good, then I give You (Spirit/God/Universal Energy) full permission to roadblock it, and I will now drop the struggle from my mind.”

The wording is not important, but the intention is. I have to be ready to really let go of the mental debate and turn my current dilemma over to the part of me (the Divine Self) that always knows the best course to take, but that I might be, in the moment, having a hard time hearing because of my conflicted thoughts/emotions. After I’ve said this prayer, I drop the issue from my mind and refuse to entertain it again.

An hour after getting home from meeting with my mother, she called to say that she had changed her mind and was going to give her own hairdresser another try. It was so simple and easy and I didn’t have to say a word. There is so much more help available to us, spiritually/Universally, than we sometimes realize.

“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.” Joseph Campbell

* The “Roadblock Prayer” has been such a helpful tool in my life, and I’ve wanted to share it here for a while, but felt I couldn’t adequately explain it. If what I have written is at all confusing or you would like me to say a little bit more about it, please let me know, and I’ll be happy to talk more about it.

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Keeping it simple: feeling my way through life

  The simple beauty of paper by paper artist, Calvin Nicholls (his work is breath taking!) www.calvinnicholls.com

Over the past few years, I’ve let some people go from my life. Not that I hadn’t ended relationships in the past, or had them ended by others, but this has been very different; I have “gently” let them go. I couldn’t do this growing up. I believed and was taught, that something had to be really bad or wrong with someone before I could stop being in relationship with them. If they were family members, I was obligated to stay in continual touch, even if they didn’t seem to particularly enjoy my company and vice versa.

This “letting go” started as a simple exercise of not contacting someone if I didn’t feel good about it in that moment. I’d had enough experience with the “obligatory” phone calls and visits to realize that if the energy was not good at the start, the interaction wouldn’t be either. I found that as I started to feel my way through life (instead of making every decision from the conscious, rational mind), and worked on improving my thoughts in general, there were those people who, almost seemed to fade out of my life. At first this scared me, so I would make contact, no matter how I was feeling. I finally realized that if I was initiating a relationship with anyone out of fear or worry, then that low energy would be the point of connection with them and the relationship would always feel like a struggle.

As I let go of the old negative patterns of relationship (within myself) people did leave my life, but more importantly, some of those past relationships have naturally transformed and are much richer and deeper, and new friendships have come, that are uplifting, encouraging and mutually supportive.

When I stop doing things that don’t feel life enhancing, my life, my relationships, my work, all get better.

“It is not necessary that you leave the house. Remain at your table and listen. Do not even listen, only wait. Do not even wait, be wholly still and alone. The world will present itself to you for its unmasking, it can do no other, in ecstasy it will writhe at your feet.”  Franz Kafka

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We’ve got it backwards!

Fred sleeping in cat cube...feet and tail sticking out!

I spent a good part of this weekend, going over relationships from my past and casting them in a new light. The most interesting and difficult visualization was imagining that my former mother-in-law and I were talking about what we appreciated in each other.  It took a while to even be able to see her saying something nice about me, because over the years, when I imagined conversations with her (or thought what she might be saying about me) it was always negative.

I found it equally interesting that it was hard for me to really think of anything (honestly) good to say about her either. I felt like I was operating a very old, rusty piece of equipment that was not going to work without a lot of oil! But I kept at it until I felt a warm thought surface; I imagined a little smile on her face. That led to more positive words and thoughts, and I ended up with a short, comfortable scene playing in my mind. As I sit here this morning, writing about her, writing about me, I feel a change and it is nice.

So many times, we go through our lives thinking unkind, angry, unpleasant, unhappy thoughts about others, and feel upset that they don’t like or appreciate us more. We have it backwards. If I want someone to appreciate me, I have to think about them in appreciative ways. If I want someone to love me, and I am throwing unloving thoughts their way, I will not get love back. A facade of friendliness, that is covering up feelings of disdain, distrust, disapproval, or dislike, will not produce comfortable, deep relationships. People are going to mirror back to me, my inmost thoughts about them, and also, my inmost thoughts about myself.

It is some of the most challenging work: to imagine the life I would love to live, instead of what I don’t want or what has already been. Living in the past and holding negative views of people and situations from the past is almost like “default” living. It is not creative. When I change the way that I see someone, or some situation, it will change, but I have to hold my new vision steady. I have to use my focus to see something new, let go of the past, and bring a better picture into reality.

“He who does not imagine in a stronger and better light, than his perishing and mortal eye can see, does not imagine at all.” William Blake

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letting go of the old

saying hello to a new friend

This past September, we decided not to host the family Christmas Eve party any longer. Even though it was a relief, I wondered if I would regret this decision….wondered what the holidays would feel like this year. Would there be an emptiness?

Several days ago, a friend gave me the gift of 3 magnificent old wooden statues of the Buddha. As Jack and I were walking through our tiny home, looking and feeling for the perfect spot for each one, we both noticed that there were several extra-large chairs that we didn’t use.

It dawned on me that we had these chairs to accommodate the large group that came for the Christmas Eve party and that the rest of the year, only the cats sat in them. As we moved them out to make room for the statues, I could feel that  the letting go of the party needed to happen to make room for this gift.

“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us“. Joseph Campbell

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Getting out of the driver’s seat

small river in the Adirondack Park

I wrote the post about my hair yesterday (thank you, thank you, thank you for all of the wonderful, supportive comments. I read them slowly this morning before I started to write and appreciate every one!) and then left for the entire day to take my mother up north to the town where she grew up, Paul Smiths NY; a town in the Adirondack park with only one street; “Easy Street”. That part of New York State is almost like entering another world. Everything seems stark somehow; beautiful, rough, certainly not easy.

We have taken this trip several times in my mother’s life. The last time was a few years ago when my mother and I were really not getting along. I returned home, feeling like I had been raked over the coals….maybe she felt that way too. It seemed we were fighting each other; me asking questions, trying to figure out some of my own history, and her wanting to make me see things her way. Yesterday, she wanted me to drive and she wanted to direct the day.  She just wanted to be “heard” as she recalled being a little girl, playing with friends, working, moving from house to house in this remote, wild place. Her parents didn’t own their own home until my mother was older. They were hard-working and poor.

We slowly made our way past the old homes, many of which were still standing. Some had been “remodeled” (very little “restoring” going on this far north) with vinyl siding and windows, some were left to slowly decay. I was content to be in a “supportive role”. I let her  be the director, set the pace, turn any place that she wanted, stop or not. I liked this feeling. It is relatively new for me to suspend my own curiosity, questions, and interests, for a day and to try to see the world from my mother’s perspective. I learned that she was almost going to name my sister Anne, Victoria. That she had wanted to go in the army, as a nurse, and my grandfather would not let her….little stories.

Yesterday was a good day for me, and for my mother. When she initially asked me to take her, I didn’t have to think about it, I just knew that it was the right timing. If I hadn’t felt this way, I would not have gone. I’ve finally learned that if I am not feeling good about “helping” someone, then it will not turn out well. I’ll exhaust myself and they won’t get a lot out of it either. There is a flow to life that pulls us in, and sustains us, when we trust and go with it.

 

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YE HA to Life!

YE HA indeed!

I was driving into the post office, here in Cambridge NY, yesterday and a car pulled in right before me with the license plate, “YE HA”. I was so curious to see who would get out of this car; who would have chosen such a great affirmation of life to drive around with. How can you not smile when seeing those words in front of you?

I pulled up next to the car, and as the driver was getting out I said, “I love your license plate!” The woman smiled and started into the post office, but I had to find out more so I asked her why she picked those words for her plate. She said, “I have loved horses all of my life.” It turns out that Shirley had just put down her last horse because at 30, he had had a stroke. It was clearly still emotional for her. When I asked her if she would get another horse she said with this little grin, “Well……”  I could tell that she would, could tell that horses were as much a part of her life as cats are mine.

But really, what is the alternative? Live without the beings that give us so much pleasure because we are afraid of future pain? That is not living fully. I read this great quote (could not find the author) the other day which said, “It is a fearful thing to love what death can touch.”  Isn’t that the truth?!

So many people keep their lives small, don’t dare to dream big, because they don’t want to be hurt or disappointed in the future. That way of thinking does not ensure anything but a small, colorless life. The time to live is now. The time to love is now! I think we can still shout “Ye Ha to Life!…even with a few tears running down our cheeks.

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Trusting the Good

My mother called yesterday afternoon asked me to bring her back the book that she loaned me a few weeks ago (the book that she said she didn’t want back). I said, “Mom, I loaned that book to someone. You said that you didn’t want it back.” She replied, “Oh, I never said that! Never mind if you gave it away, but I didn’t say to, and I don’t want to discuss it. “

I used to argue with her…found it infuriating to be “dismissed”, especially when she was wrong! I can’t remember ever hearing my mother say, “Really? Did I really say that?” No. It has been; I am right and you (whoever disagrees with her) are wrong. Period. My mother grew up in a rough household…in rough times. She was not protected and nurtured. She became suspicious of the world and grew a little shell around her heart…I guess to protect her. This “shell of being right“ kept her safe, separate and lonely.

Over the past few years, she has really tried to open up, but it is a huge amount of work for her at 83. She has been guarded and critical, so to trust; to be OK with being wrong, to see another person’s side of a story, is frightening. She does not want to be made a fool of. There is a great Rumi quote that says something like, “Trade your knowledge for bewilderment.” What it means to me is, you don’t have to know everything…the world can surprise you with goodness, if you don’t expect the bad. Don’t think you have it all figured out because if you do, you’ve got something way too small compared to what life could really offer. Be wrong. Be surprised that being wrong can feel good. Be blown away by goodness!

A question that I like to ask myself is, “What have you been wrong about recently that turned out really well?” It helps me to not be so afraid of being wrong myself.

 

I think we too often make choices based on the safety of cynicism, and what we’re lead to is a life not fully lived. Cynicism is fear, and it’s worse than fear – it’s active disengagement.  Ken Burns

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