Building a case….for a perfect life

My niece, Mary, when she was a little girl, holding one of her kitties (we are a family of cat lovers!)

One thing that I’ve noticed, in both myself and in others, is the tendency to build a case against the present “difficulty” in hopes of leaving it behind. Every romantic relationship that I ended, I first thought I needed to build a case against him: he was unavailable emotionally or too needy, too boring and unwilling to seek adventure, or too unpredictable……on and on.

In the past, the idea that a certain man, or school, or town, or home, or job, was “perfect just the way it was”, and that I was ready for something else, wasn’t a part of my consciousness. After all, if it was perfect, why would I want to leave it, him or them? So I built a case against my current situation, thinking that this was the only way I could justifiably leave. I told stories of why it was not good enough. I highlighted, in my own mind, its faults. I thought that loving and accepting the present situation meant that I wouldn’t have enough motivation to leave. My mind demanded, “Either you give me a good reason (i.e. what is wrong) or stay where you are and shut up!”

I equated acceptance with resignation and stagnation. The trouble with this approach to life is, it doesn’t work….long-term. Sure, we might leave the “old”, and  for a while, the new seems great; so different, so much better, so improved, but after a while, we discover to our dismay that we’ve dragged “what is wrong” right along with us and it shows up again, in the new (man, school, town, home, job). The world “outside” of us is just a mirror…a reflection of our state of mind. For permanent change for the better, I need to change (my mind) for the better, the good, the more expansive.

This is really up for me today, since we have found a new home and want to move. I’ve noticed my tendency to say (about our current home) “This house is too small!” or “I need to be in town, not in the country” or “I need to live closer to my family.”…..and all of these thoughts, in this moment, fill me with anxiety because in this moment, I am here, in this little home in the country, 2 hrs away from my son….and the reason that I know that these thoughts are not the Truth of my being is because they feel small, tight and restrictive. They have a desperate quality to them. They fill me with unhappiness. These thoughts are old, uninspired, and dead feeling. If I want to live more fully, I need only change my thoughts to ones of love, happiness, and beauty, for all that is in my life now.

So, I’ve started saying, “This is perfect. My home is perfect for us right now. I accept my life today, and I Trust the Divine, the Loving, the pure Goodness of the Unknowable All, that is working in unimaginable ways to bring more of all good into my life, in perfect timing, for the good of all”.

At night, as I’m falling asleep, I whisper, “I trust You. I trust You….” to this secret place of the most high, to the God that I do not comprehend but know lives within my heart, and the hearts of every other being in this Universe.

And I love the way that I feel when I do this. It makes me want to almost giggle with delight. It brings me back to a place that I only slightly remember when I was a little girl. One of wonder, delight, trust, and faith that all is well….and I am going to continue to do this; to sing forth the perfection of this Life, until I sing out my last breath…I may falter, but I will not give up.

“To attempt to change conditions, before a change in consciousness is to struggle against the very nature of things. Man can go round and round in the same circle of disappointments and misfortune, not seeing them as caused by his own negative inner talking, but as caused by ‘others’. To change circumstances, we must change from within first.” from a lecture given by Neville Goddard in 1955

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Time-less beauty

Buttercup (not taking her eyes off her human)

As I was leaving the post office in Manchester VT yesterday, I noticed the sweetest little face looking at me from the passenger seat of a car parked in the lot.  This little dog (dressed in a holiday sweater and snuggled up in a soft dog bed) was sitting in such an alert posture (obviously waiting for its human) that I decided to wait too. After a couple of minutes, an elderly woman came out of the post office, and slowly made her way closer. She had a kind smile, and a serenity about her that welcomed interaction. She wasn’t in a hurry.

She told me that “Buttercup” was a rescue dog from Tennessee, and how this little dog had been such a blessing to her. We talked for about 5 minutes and as people passed us, most seemed to know her….all smiled. This woman had time, and she was spending it well.

“Slow down and enjoy life. It’s not only the scenery you miss by going fast–you also miss the sense of where you are going and why.” Eddie Cantor

The winner of the skin balm is Lisa W.

 

 

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Time for Living

A face that I love….Fred

I’ve always had an odd tendency to think of myself as older than I am. If someone asks me my age,  I’ve noticed my response is, “I’ll be 57 this year”, or if it’s about my sons, I’ll give their ages as “Going to be….” This didn’t really bother me until the other day I said to Jack, “Now that I’m pushing 60…”

Well, I am currently 56, and while I have no problem with turning 60, it is more than 3 years away, and the thought that I am soon entering my 6th decade, makes me feel anxious about time…like I need to rush to accomplish something before my time runs out,…. and this is not a comforting thought.

So I’ve been affirming, over the past few days, “There is plenty of time. I do not need to make anything happen. Life is unfolding perfectly and I am a part of Life.” I was feeling very good (and unrushed) the other day as I petted Fred and noticed that he had a black whisker. I couldn’t believe it….such a small little thing, but one that I hadn’t seen before. I’ve looked at, kissed, and petted his head for 7 years without seeing the one black whisker.

This made me pause and think about what other things I might be missing by rushing (mentally and sometimes physically) to the next moment, the next project (before this one is barely started), the next house, town, stage of life…it doesn’t really matter what it is, if I’m not present, I’m missing out on my life which can never be anyplace but where I am right now. What little thing (that makes you smile) will you notice this weekend?

“Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished“. Lao Tzu

One of my favorite songs “Time for Living” by the Association is in the link below,

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time to leave the past in the past, and see with new eyes

Luke is Jack's perfect travelling companion

Jack loves taking back roads and finding the longest possible way to get from one place to another…he is a true meanderer. When I was first dating him, we went out for a ride one day and I really had to go to the bathroom, so I suggested that we go directly back to his house and he said OK.

40 minutes later, after going over miles of dirt roads, past farms and fields and cows, we pulled onto what seemed like almost the exact location we had been 40 minutes before. When I said “This looks so familiar” he casually said, “Oh it is. My house is only a few miles up the road. I thought you’d like to see more of this beautiful county!” I had been wiggling in my seat for the past 40 minutes, praying every time we went over a bump that I could hold on, and we had only been a few minutes from his house.

I was in the bathroom thinking, “He is clueless, and selfish and inconsiderate. Maybe we shouldn’t be dating. This might be a mistake.”  When I came out of the bathroom, he knew that I was upset, but didn’t say anything for a few minutes (which led me to add to my growing list of his shortcomings; “unable to communicate”). At that point I told him that I was going to go home, and he said, “Wait. I am so sorry, I just wanted to be with you a little longer and I knew when we got back, you’d have to go home. I didn’t realize that you had to go to the bathroom that bad or I wouldn’t have driven around. You have to believe me Mary.”

Preconceived ideas about someones motives, second-guessing them, pigeon-holing their behaviour can ruin relationships, sometimes before they even begin. I was 45 years old when I started dating Jack, and had experienced my share of poor relationships. I didn’t realize, at the time, how afraid I was, how guarded, how much I was looking for signs of trouble so I could get out before I got hurt. I didn’t trust myself to make a good decision when it came to my love life, and this fear of not being safe, led me to over-analyze and dissect every move Jack made that looked like potential trouble.

Seeing the present through the scared, troubled, eyes of the past, only ensures that I will see more of the same. People say to me all of the time things like, “But looking at everything through the eyes of love doesn’t even make sense! I have to be on guard. I can’t be a Pollyanna about life or I will really be in trouble. There are real things to be worried about out there!” But just the opposite is true. Our work here is develop an inner trust first. It isn’t an easy thing to do. All of us have been hurt by others, and all of us have hurt others. But If I stay in a wrong relationship (or job, or circumstance) because I am afraid there is nothing better for me, or turn down an opportunity (or a new relationship) because I am afraid of getting hurt, then in both cases, I am letting fear make my decisions, and the path will lead to a smaller, less-happy, duller life, and this isn’t really living.

We can start today taking steps into the new lives that we would love to be living, and the place where we start is in our own minds. When we change inside, the world begins to show us a new reality too.  A really good affirmation to say to yourself, over and over is: “I can trust myself.”

“As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live“. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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Why wait? Admit the greatness of today

The Battenkill River

A couple of days ago, We went tubing on the Battenkill River. You never know, here in the northeast, how many hot days there will be, so when the forecast says 90 degrees and sunny, if we can, we go tubing. Half way through the trip, one of our friend’s tube sprung a leak. We doubled up and made it to the end and as we were getting out of the water,  I said, “Oh, it is going to be hot over the next week and you guys will be out a tube.” Our friend’s wife said something like, “He will be on-line tonight ordering a new one and it will be here in a day. He always has important things delivered overnight.”

I was impressed. I almost always go for the “super-saver shipping”, which is free and can take a couple of weeks to arrive. With some things, that I really don’t need, I am ok with that. But the idea that I could miss the window of opportunity for an entire season of tubing to save $20 is not acceptable anymore to me. I didn’t used to be so concerned about money. Getting a river tube overnight would have been a “need” when I was younger. I am tired of saying that life was easier back then. I want to take full-advantage of every moment of life. I do not know what tomorrow will bring and I won’t be worrying about it if I am living well now.

“We seem to be going through a period of nostalgia, and everyone seems to think yesterday was better than today.  I don’t think it was, and I would advise you not to wait ten years before admitting today was great.  If you’re hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time“.  ~Art Buchwald

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Too much information

This morning: The misty field across from our home

Last evening, I heard a mew outside. I knew that it wasn’t one of our cats (or our neighbor’s cats). It was the cry of a kitten, but I couldn’t see it. I went outdoors, in the fading light, trying to see if I could locate the direction of the crying and caught a glimpse of the small yellow kitten on the edge of the field across the street.

I grabbed a plate of cat food and headed across the road, gently calling to it, and thinking at the same time, “We do not need another cat. I wonder if my friend Diana wants another cat? How did a kitten get in the field? Mandy said she wanted a kitten, I wonder if she would want this one?  If I can get him/her where can it stay tonight? I wonder if it is sick? It probably has fleas and loads of ticks…”  Just on and on. Questions, doubts, all the while calling kitty, kitty, kitty.

It was very small, and obviously afraid of people. As soon as it saw me it ran into the deep grass and disappeared. I stayed for a while trying to coax it out and then left the food, hoping it would at least eat. 15 minutes later I heard it again and again I tried to get it, but could not. Then a huge thunderstorm rolled in. The kitten ran across the road and into the woods. I thought about it off and on all night. Said prayers for its safety.

I heard it again this morning, but still could not find it. I left more food out, hoping to bring it nearer to us. As I reflected on the situation, part of me longed for the “simpler days”. When I was a child, if I found a stray kitten or cat I brought it home without a thought of its state of health, the effect it would have on our other cats, or me.  Now I have much more information. Information about cat diseases, flea infestation, cat socialization and the time it takes to integrate a new animal into the home, statistics about this being the time of year when many kittens are born and are very hard to place. When does “information” stop being helpful and start making me crazy?! When I get into the future.

If I stay in the moment, I am fine. If I see a hungry kitten, I am going to feed it. If it will let me touch it, I will bring it home. That is all I need to know right now. I feel a deep sense of relief when I stay out of the future”what if’s”.

 

“He who is not everyday conquering some fear, has not learned the secret of life.”  Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

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a beautiful moment

happiness in the moment!

3 days ago, I was walking into Hannaford grocery store, and this little girl was coming out. I heard her before I saw her. As the big inner doors were sliding to the sides, giggling was pouring out . I then saw the balloons and the happiest little person holding all of the strings. I was on my phone with Jack and told him I’d call him right back. I hadn’t  planned on taking her picture, but I wanted to absorb this sweet, fun, happy moment. I asked her mother if I could take a picture of her (I do love my iphone!) and she smiled and said yes.

It is dark and rainy here this morning…I felt like I needed a little boost when I woke up so I pulled up this photograph, and then thought that you might appreciate it too!

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