A new chapter

Bodhi on the bed

Good Sunday morning everyone! A couple of days ago I wrote a post about our search for a new home, and a member of our community (thank you Patte) recommended listening to the Mary Chapin Carpenter song, Another Home. I pulled it up on YouTube and immediately the tears started. It talks about new ways of seeing, possibilities, starting over, and new beginnings. (the link to the song is below the lyrics). Have a perfectly wonderful day!

“Another Home”

There’s another home somewhere

There’s another glimpse of sky

There’s another place unlearned

And a face not memorized

There’s another quilt of green

Where the trees throw down their shade

There’s another way to lean

Into the wind unafraid

There’s another life out there

Beyond your quiet room

Use dead reckoning

The sky, the stars and the moon

There’s another storm to chase

There’s another bridge to burn

There’s nothing perfect here

Another lesson to learn

There were days I gave into losing

Empty spaces of my own choosing

There were nights I forgot to hold on

So I let go, I had to let go

There’s another home somewhere

That I close my eyes to see

I will find you there

You will know it’s me

By my shield and sword

By my soldier’s heart

We made it through the war

We made another start

Just beyond the trees

Not so far I swear

There’s another turn that leads

Towards another home somewhere

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moving forward

Noah sitting on my lap this morning as I write

Up until two years ago, the work that I did with people was done from my home. There were both positives and negatives to this. I loved the casual, friendly feel of having people into our home, but it also meant that I had to be more vigilant about cleaning and making sure our animals were not intruding. For the last 6 months, the pull has been getting stronger and stronger to return to working here, and so when I finally made the decision, it felt like a deep breath. Not because there was anything wrong with my office. It is a wonderful space; very affordable, large and lovely.

I’m not moving away from something that isn’t right, I’m moving toward something that feels better. For many years, I couldn’t do this. I had to find fault with my current situation so I could justify leaving. The trouble with this approach is, the more we look for trouble; what is wrong with our present set of circumstances, we take that energy of “wrong” right along with us, so after just a little while, the new situation (office, relationship, job or whatever) takes on all the feeling tone of the old. Always look for what is right about where you are….and you will take all of that positive energy right along with you to the new and better life that you’d like to be living.

“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are“. Anais Nin

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Letting my heart lead the way, changing my mind

Noah investigating the, "Peacock with very interesting praying god (?) riding on its back" statue that I recently found at Goodwill

We  spent a wonderful Easter with Tom and Lindsay (my oldest son and his girlfriend) and her family. Tom moved back to the northeast a year ago, and this is the first time, in many years that we’ve lived within driving distance of each other.  On Sunday, it struck me that if Jack and I moved to the seacoast, we’d be 4, (instead of 2 1/2), hours away from them…. It was as if a curtain was drawn back and the options on the blackboard were:

You can live by the ocean and see it everyday, and visit Tom 4 or 5 times a year, or  You can live closer to him and go to the ocean 4 or 5 times a year.

The answer felt so obvious that I was a bit awe-struck. I was talking with my good friend Jon yesterday about out potential move, (and how we had changed direction and were now looking at Middlebury, VT instead of the seacoast) and he said, “That sounds right. Don’t ever move for a view, because after a while, you don’t even see it.” His words went right to my heart. Simple words spoken with such clarity.

I was 22 years old when Tom was born. I thought that I was an adult. As I look back over those years, I see how “un-present” I was, and I’ve done my best to accept the past, make amends where needed, and embrace the life that is now mine. But at 56, and with this opportunity to re-enter his life in this new way, and at this stage of my life; knowing more fully who I am (and having my priorities much clearer), my heart knows the right move.

“I reserve the right to change my mind.” Charles Fillmore (co-founder of Unity)

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Begin

smiling sky

This past Sunday afternoon I found myself lying on the couch, not wanting to move.  As I looked around the room, I saw clutter on my computer desk, cat hair on the rug, the coffee table had stacks of books on it that I hadn’t put away, under it was a box filled with odds and ends that I didn’t want to throw out, but hadn’t organized; cards sent by friends, a necklace made of small shells that I will never wear, coins, photographs, bank statements, cd’s out of their cases, post office slips, sheets of blank paper, envelopes… Everything, including me, seemed dull and dingy somehow. On top of that, I felt guilty for being in this state of mind.

I thought, “I need help.” The idea came, “Clean up your mess.” I got up, turned on an inspirational cd, and made a commitment not to stop until I had cleaned off the entire coffee table, which seemed like a big deal at the time. I felt better almost instantly. I used to tackle things like “the whole house” but have found that when I’m not feeling great, just the idea of those big projects more often than not, keeps me immobile. When I start with something small, like the coffee table, I almost always continue on to more.

After a few good hours of cleaning, I went outside to get a breath of fresh air and this was the sky that faced me.

“I had as many doubts as anyone else. Standing on the starting line, we’re all cowards.” Alberto Salazar

*Wayne Dyer has a number of really good, inspirational cd sets from live lectures. I can whole-heartedly recommend, The Power of Intention, The Secrets of an Inspirational Life, It’s Never Crowded Along the Extra Mile.

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Inventing new games. Playing “with” the Universe

Jack's school picture, 45 years ago

I came home Wednesday to find this photograph of Jack on my desk.  He was 16 at the time it was taken. I couldn’t stop looking at it. I’ve never seen him smile that way before…so relaxed, so happy looking, so fresh. He seems to be thinking, “Don’t worry about anything, life is really good!”

I didn’t know Jack in his teens, or twenties, or thirties or forties…I met him the year he turned 50. I was 45 at the time. We had both lived a lot; many struggles, many good things.  When people say to me that we are a “good couple” it always make me wonder what they see. We have a tendency to bicker …a lot. He thinks that it is “playful”. I think it’s just a bad habit. We both like things our own way, but have built a life that mostly works for us.We didn’t have children together, but he adores my sons. I never knew his parents, but my parents love him.
Lately we’ve been contemplating a big change in our lives; thinking about moving to the seacoast of Maine. The idea of moving has been around for a while. At one point, we looked at houses in Cambridge, but everything seemed wrong about that direction so we dropped the idea (or I should say, I dropped it…Jack never wanted to move into town). On my trip to New Castle, NH a month ago, the thought that we could live by the ocean sprung into my mind.  When I presented it to Jack, he said he liked the idea too, but I know him well enough to realize that I will have to be the one who keeps the idea alive for this to happen. Moving is fairly easy for me. My family moved at least 10 times before I was 13. Jack lived in the same house until he left for college.

Yesterday, I found myself talking to this picture of Jack about the move. I have never done this before. I’ve imagined having conversations with people; seeing them in my mind, as relaxed and receptive, and have  recommended this to friends and clients as a way to get positive energy moving in a difficult situation, but I have never talked to a photograph and felt such “openness”. Every idea I proposed to this 16-year-old version of Jack, he seemed to reply, “Great, love it!” What I really liked about doing this was it felt like a game. I heard a spiritual teacher once say that the more you play with life, the more it plays back and the easier it gets.

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It’s time

My new office space; getting ready to be occupied

I found a beautiful blue robin’s eggshell yesterday morning about 1/2 mile into my run. I picked it up…admired the color and thought, this is almost the same color as my new office. I ran along with this tiny bit of shell, that once protected, nurtured and finally released new life into the world,…just the opposite of my office which is empty, waiting to be cleaned and occupied. How interestingly balanced life can seem sometimes! Are these two things related? How can they not be?

I  also noticed that I had to be conscious of  the egg-shell while I ran, holding my hand cupped, not too tight which would crush it, or too open because it would fall out. It was more effort to stay focused on this shell (that could not have weighed more than 1/20 th of an oz) than I was comfortable with. I just couldn’t help making the analogy of running with the egg-shell and my mind. So often, I don’t want to corral it…don’t want to make the effort, even though I have been assured, by sages and wise ones throughout time, that  the focused mind is the creative seed and work of this life, and that I will ultimately get what I focus on.

I can choose to focus on what I want: a better office space, lighter, beautiful views, the excited feeling that I get when I think of this wonderful new space, or what I don’t want: To move again, fear that the office will be too hot with southern exposure, thought that the building is for sale and what if I have to move again?

Thinking of the baby robin and me. I am sure that it did not have one thought of “What if I don’t like the location, This tree is not that stable, Why did my parents choose this nest? Where are my brothers and sisters going to live? I hope they don’t plan on moving to far away, What if someone cuts this tree down?…..no, not one of these….just , “It’s time…the gentle nudge, it’s time….fly”.

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Home

Home is where the love is

I was shopping yesterday and saw this card. I had to buy it. The caption is:

“Having a place to go is a home. Having someone to love is a family” Donna Hedges

Jack and I have decided to move into town. We want a bigger place, one that can more easily accommodate  family, visitors and overnight guests. Our house is sweet but tiny. Plus, I really like the idea of being able to walk to the library, bank, post office and coop. As we drove around Cambridge looking for possible homes, I started to feel those old familiar doubts: Will we be able to find a place that we like as much as this one? What if we don’t like living in town? If we get a bigger home will the costs be a lot bigger too? How will this all happen?  I know better than to entertain these thoughts.  I know that I need to imagine what I want and not what I fear or don’t want. I know that there is a power that is way beyond my reasoning mind; one that works “behind the scenes” bringing all elements together for perfect solutions. I know what to think…I know what to do, but sometimes I let my mind run away with me and then I start to feel off.

I told Jack that I was going to “turn this over” to Spirit and let a solution unfold. He said “good”. A few minutes later, I said, “When we get home, before we go to Bennington to buy cat food, I want to get on-line and see if there are any houses that are listed but don’t have signs up.” He laughed and said, “I thought you were turning it over?” Oh, right.

I need to remember that what I really want is a home filled with love, happiness and peace.  I cannot move to, or buy, this place…I need to be it first. I am working on that.

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