You have always been taken care of

“You are never alone” a photograph I took a few years ago in the Adirondacks

A lot of thoughts have been popping into my head in the middle of the night lately. Sometimes they consist of just a word, but last night it was the sentence, “You have always been taken care of.” It was a soothing thought to me; one that brought a sense of peace and comfort, and it came in the middle of the night…the time that I feel most vulnerable and maybe most open to “help”. I also could feel that it was true for us all. I fell back asleep and forgot about this until I was sitting down to write this morning.

As I think about it now, it seems to be saying, “Stop looking for what could go wrong, not work out, or fall apart, and trust that for the last 56 years, you’ve been taken care of, you aren’t going to be dropped now. Everything is just as it is supposed to be. Relax, Move  forward, Trust”.

“This place where you are right now, God circled on a map for you“. Hafiz

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the happy trip

Esther always finds comfort

In 12 days, we will be leaving for Mexico. I’ve been doing a lot of planning; looking at the Mayan ruin sites, calculating driving distances, reading reviews of local restaurants and rental car companies and deciding how much money to have converted to pesos beforehand. I am a planner. I’m good at it, and I really like it, but I also need to be aware when my inner voice says, “You’ve moved from having fun investigating, into fear and worry that you’ll forget something; won’t pack the right clothes, or have the right gear, leave detailed enough instructions for our pet/house sitter, or the instructions will be so detailed that they’ll be confusing….the list will not end unless I stop it. It’s as if my conscious mind (calling itself “responsible”) is desperately trying to stuff my life into a little box; one that is neat, safe and tidy.

When this happens, it is time to step away and re-orient myself to what is important about the trip. My “purpose” on this vacation is really no different from my purpose everyday, and that is to remember who I am, to remember that I am here to awaken to the Love that is inside me, to shine that light of Love, and to look for it in all that I meet in this great trip called Life.

When I’m afraid or worried I am unconsciously looking for what is wrong. If I don’t catch this, I’ll start attracting those energies and will end up having a rough ride instead of a relaxing journey. Fear, concern, or worry are all contracting, small energies. They are self-centered to the extreme, and are good indicators that I have forgotten that there is a huge, benevolent, Loving force running in, through and around me (and everyone else) and the only thing that I need to do to feel a part of it is to drop the negative thoughts and look for the love, connection and happy coincidences; to allow myself to be swept along by the arms of Love and to enjoy the trip!

“A journey is a person in itself; no two are alike. And all plans, safeguards, policing, and coercion are fruitless. We find that after years of struggle that we do not take a trip; a trip takes us“. John Steinbeck

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The diamond necklace

Noah, Fred, and Esther taking morning naps (with angel frog watching over them!)

I’ve been sleeping more lately; going to bed earlier and getting up later, and it feels divine when I can turn away from the voice that says, “You are being lazy. Why are you sleeping so much? There must be something wrong with you! Nothing will get done if you don’t do it. You have to GET MOVING!” I am learning to discern this critical task-master voice, from the one that prompts me to “right action” when the timing (which is usually beyond my ability to figure out) is right. Action has never really been a problem for me. Waiting and trusting that I am being guided has been more of a challenge.

Lately, there is an inner voice calling to me saying,  ”Relax. Trust. Listen with new ears. Sink into your life and watch it unfold in miraculous ways.”

“You wander from room to room, hunting for the diamond necklace, that is already around your neck.” Rumi

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Ask and expect

Years ago, I was on vacation in Florida, walking up the beach thinking that I needed a hat. I don’t like wearing hats, so I didn’t bring one with me on the trip, but the sun was intense and after several days in it, my face had started to feel burned. At that moment, I looked down and there was a baseball cap just sitting on top of a pile of seaweed. It had obviously been in the ocean for a while because it had several pieces of the seaweed attached to it. The logo on the front was from the University of Virginia; the place where my son Tom was, at the time, attending law school. I picked it up with a smile and said a silent thank you. After washing it, I happily wore it for the rest of my vacation…..A gift from Spirit in response to a silent need.

One of the reasons that I believe small things show up so easily and quickly, is that I don’t have any fear or negative beliefs that the thing that I want can’t happen. I’m not sure that doubt makes our dreams come true slower, but it sure makes for a rough ride.

“To give thanks in solitude is enough.  Thanksgiving has wings and goes where it must go.  Your prayer knows much more about it than you do”.  ~Victor Hugo

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Make a decison..then let it go

Fred in the cat pen

We knew that Fred had certain challenges when we adopted him, but were not aware that he didn’t have the ability to find his way home. After 2 very long absences, we realized that if we let him outside, chances were, he would get lost, so we constructed a “cat pen” for him. At first, I felt some guilt that his quality of life wasn’t as good as our other cats, who can come in and out as they please, but my quality of life was greatly diminished by the thought of him wandering around in the wilderness, so I had to make the decision to limit his range, for both his safety and my peace of mind.

Guilt and self-doubt are corrosive energies, and when I feel them, I look at the situation that I am feeling bad over, see if I can make a better decision now, and if not, I drop it. I did this with Fred.  Every time the thought that his life was not as great as our other cats, came up, I said to myself, “I am done with that thought. Fred has the perfect life for him.” Eventually my feelings lined up with this new thought.

After I have made a decision, I do what ever I need to (prayer, affirmations, meditation) to get it out of my conscious mind. If I don’t do this, I’ll start feeling like there is a ping-pong match inside my brain, until I end up with a whopping headache and feel incompetent to make a move lest it be the wrong one. Constantly second-guessing our decisions, and our lives, leaves us feeling unstable, fearful and insecure.  I have enough confidence in the Spirit of Life, that if a better way, than the one that I have chosen, (regarding any situation) is available, I will be shown.

“When once a decision is reached, dismiss absolutely all responsibility and care about the outcome.” William James

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The question that stops us

Me holding"Wonder" Saturday night...a miracle that I never could have figured out. He went from being a feral kitten, who would not let me touch him, to being a such a loving little guy.(Patty, his "owner" was trying out a new app on her IPhone that takes old-fashioned looking photographs....

Jack and I are leaving for Maine this morning. I have taken a lot of virtual tours of homes in Maine over the past month, and now we are going to do drive-bys of the actual houses. We know what we want in a home; age, size, location, neighborhood, yard. We just have no idea at all, how we can do it. I mean none.

So many big ideas, plans and dreams are stopped by the question, “How are you going to do that?” It is just a part of the way we seem to be made, or maybe its conditioning…it doesn’t really matter where it comes from, there is a part of our mind (some call it the left brain) that needs to figure everything out and will not shut up until it does. This happened to me Saturday night.

A little 2 am visitor woke me up with the words, “How do you think you will be able to swing this move? What you want is impossible.” I suddenly got very hot and threw my covers off. For a couple of minutes, I lay there with a sinking feeling and the thought, “You are not going to do this and then everyone will know that you failed.”Ouch! that is a big one. I am not worried about being talked out of my dreams by others, as a matter of fact, I can see and feel that people have more confidence in me than I do in myself sometimes. At breakfast Sunday morning, I told my father that Jack and I were going to Maine for a little vacation and he said, “You are going to end up moving there. How are we going to meet for breakfast next year?” It was one of the few times when his self-concern made me feel better!

It is my own doubts, and the nagging need to figure out how I can make it happen, that I am most concerned with. It is the boogeyman who lives right between my ears that gives me the most grief, and always waits for the time when I am tired, hungry,or  not centered to start with the questions, comments, little seeds of doubt. If it cannot figure out a way for the thing to happen, it starts throwing around all of the reasons why it won’t work, couldn’t work, is dangerous, risky, foolish, has no precedent. It says that my idea is impossible, and its’ “proof” is that I cannot tell it how I will make this dream come true.

But a part of me also thinks that it will happen, and I look forward to telling the story. I would like to collect an entire book of “impossible dreams” that came true. I could fill a good section with my own life. I just forget this, at times, when I am stretching for something beyond my known experience. It is good to come back to “my part” in making my dream come true which is to first of all, know what I want, imagine it, and then let go (something that I need to keep doing over and over) and trust that each step will be revealed as long as I am looking for the signs.

“The “hows” are the domain of the Universe. It always knows the shortest, quickest, fastest, most harmonious way between you and your dream“. Mike Dooley

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Relaxing into the mystery

Breakfast in the "old" garage!

When I first posted the photograph of “Wonder” on my blog, I was not looking for a home for her. It was too early, in my mind, for that. So when I got an email from friends, Patty and Mark, saying that they had been looking for an orange kitten and would like to adopt her, I was surprised, pleased, a little sad, happy, relieved….

It seems hard enough to place a friendly kitten much less a feral one and yet before I even looked, an answer came…for all of us. Her new family took her (oops…turns out that she is a he!) to the vet on Friday. He is healthy and the vet thought that he had a great personality…so sweet!

I got a wonderful email this morning from Patty and Mark saying that he is sitting on their laps eating out of a spoon. So many “intentions” were answered without struggle: Wonder found a home. Patty and Mark got the kitten they were looking for. And Jack and I finally (after way too much time!) cleaned out our garage because we were having trouble getting around in there when it came time to feed him. When things like this happen, it reaffirms my faith that something much greater than me is working “behind the scenes” for the good of everyone. I can take a deep breath and relax into the mystery and wonder of it all.

And it shall come to pass that, before they call, I will answer; and while they are yet speaking, I will hear.  Isaiah 65:24

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The “Wonder” of it all. ….and a little contest!

a cute little bag!

I got up later than Jack this morning. He was sitting in the living room drinking coffee as I came down the stairs and the first thing he said was, “You would not believe what happened last night!” I could tell it was going to be a good story so I poured my coffee and sat down to listen.

He said, “About midnight, I heard Esther (one of our six cats) at the front door. I opened it to let her in and guess who was sitting there like she was one of the family? Wonder! “ We had named the feral kitten, that we heard several days ago and have been feeding but unable to get close to, “Wonder”, after the Stevie Wonder song (from yesterday’s blog), “Don’t You Worry ‘Bout A Thing”. (we’re not sure if “she” is really a she or a he but we don’t like saying “it” so Wonder is a she for now). This is so unusual.  Esther is the alpha cat. She chases every cat off our property and orders our others (4 males and another female) around the house like she is the queen. The thought that she would even allow another cat to be sitting on our front step with her is amazing.

I get a weekly reading from the Findhorn Foundation* and after listening to Jack’s story about Wonder, I opened their email, and this was how part of it read, “….Those who live by it (the inner voice of knowing) know of the wonder of it, know what happens when it is obeyed, know how doors are flung wide open, know how wonder upon wonder comes about, know the joy and glory it brings with it, know that it works.” * http://www.findhorn.org

I love it when I get affirmations from the universe like this…it makes me remember that I am a part of a something so big, so good, so expansive and so beyond my conscious mind’s ability to figure it out, that I must let go and trust that this river of life is safe to plunge into!

So what does the little bag have to do with the kitten? Besides being about the same size, nothing!  I bought it a while back and have never used it. It was made in Guatemala and has a print on the back that looks like a Guatemalan fabic. It is so cute and such a perfect little summer bag that I thought one of my readers might like it. To enter this contest, post a comment with the word WONDER in it. Feel free to “tell a story” or just post the word. I will choose a random entry in the morning and mail the bag out to the winner.

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Trusting the Good

My mother called yesterday afternoon asked me to bring her back the book that she loaned me a few weeks ago (the book that she said she didn’t want back). I said, “Mom, I loaned that book to someone. You said that you didn’t want it back.” She replied, “Oh, I never said that! Never mind if you gave it away, but I didn’t say to, and I don’t want to discuss it. “

I used to argue with her…found it infuriating to be “dismissed”, especially when she was wrong! I can’t remember ever hearing my mother say, “Really? Did I really say that?” No. It has been; I am right and you (whoever disagrees with her) are wrong. Period. My mother grew up in a rough household…in rough times. She was not protected and nurtured. She became suspicious of the world and grew a little shell around her heart…I guess to protect her. This “shell of being right“ kept her safe, separate and lonely.

Over the past few years, she has really tried to open up, but it is a huge amount of work for her at 83. She has been guarded and critical, so to trust; to be OK with being wrong, to see another person’s side of a story, is frightening. She does not want to be made a fool of. There is a great Rumi quote that says something like, “Trade your knowledge for bewilderment.” What it means to me is, you don’t have to know everything…the world can surprise you with goodness, if you don’t expect the bad. Don’t think you have it all figured out because if you do, you’ve got something way too small compared to what life could really offer. Be wrong. Be surprised that being wrong can feel good. Be blown away by goodness!

A question that I like to ask myself is, “What have you been wrong about recently that turned out really well?” It helps me to not be so afraid of being wrong myself.

 

I think we too often make choices based on the safety of cynicism, and what we’re lead to is a life not fully lived. Cynicism is fear, and it’s worse than fear – it’s active disengagement.  Ken Burns

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Planting the seed

Our side yard

I was driving to Bennington on Thursday listening to NPR (Fresh Air). Terry Gross was interviewing Mike Mills, a film maker who was talking about his newest movie, Beginner’s. I enjoyed the interview right away because the guy was really funny, in a self-deprecating sort of way, and the talk was interesting (the film was based on his own life and his father’s “coming out” as a gay man at 75), but what really struck a chord was his doubt.

As he talked about the way the film came to be, he said that he didn’t think it would be a success, didn’t think that he could get Ewan McGregor or Christopher Plummer to even read the script, when he found out that each one had the script, he was ecstatic, for a moment, then doubted that they would like it. When he found out that they liked it, he thought that neither would ever consider the part, then he heard that McGregor wanted to meet with him, and he doubted that McGregor would be a nice guy: was sure that he would be arrogant (which he wasn’t)….it just went on and on…his doubt that his work wasn’t good enough…

We hear so much about faith being the key factor in our success that it can start to feel like, “If I have one iota of fear/doubt then it (whatever it is that I want) won’t happen. Fear that I’ll sabotage myself, my dream and my life, by doubt. But that just is not true, and stories like Mike Mills’ remind me of that, and offer a little assurance that I do not have to do it “perfectly”.  I just have to do it. That I will have doubts, fears and worries at times, and life will still move forward …sometimes in wonderous ways.

“Though I do not believe that a plant will spring up where no seed has been, I have great faith in a seed… Convince me that you have a seed there, and I am prepared to expect wonders.”                                                                                                   From A SUCCESSION OF FOREST TREES , Henry David Thoreau

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