I have been cleaning out everything lately…whether we move or not, it is time. I took this pile of single socks downstairs to throw out, and did not quite make it. I loved some of these socks. I remember when they were a pair. But the mate has been missing a long time and the pile in the bottom of my dresser just reminds me that I lose socks. It is time to move on. Time to make room for functional socks and to stop lamenting the loss, or wearing the ones that are “close enough” and hope nobody looks at my feet.
Of course my “fear” is that I will throw them out and the next day find all of the matches. It is just a thought that comes up, and tries to stop me from going forward saying, “You might regret this. You had better not change, you might be making a mistake!” and if these thoughts only came up around socks then I would be delighted! They don’t. This thread of not trusting myself, or feeling that what I want is impossible, or I should be happy with what I have and not want more, tries to creep in, when I really want something new. A little (really not so little) ancient voice from the past says, “You don’t deserve it”. You don’t deserve nice socks if all you do is lose them, you don’t deserve a great relationship if you couldn’t make the other ones work, you don’t deserve a bigger house…the list goes on and on. Will I ever be rid of this voice? Probably not. But when I recognize it, and don’t let it stop me, then I am giving life my best and can expect the best to come back to me.
I’ve been practicing a mantra before I go to bed at night, and when I wake up in the middle of the night, wondering about my life, and find it to be soul-soothing. I repeat, “I deserve peace of mind” over and over. It feels like a healing wave rocking me back to sleep.
Deserve: To be worthy of.