Time for new conversations

The other day, Jack and I were having a conversation (well really, I was talking and he was listening) about the family that I grew up in. I started to say something like, “You know how hard it has been for me, not ever really feeling accepted…” I stopped myself mid-sentence and said out loud, “This is an old habit. I get along well with the majority of my family members don’t I?” Jack shook his head yes.

When I’m not feeling great, I have noticed that a lot of the conversations in my head center around not being understood, or liked, or appreciated by others. I’m the one, that is not appreciating myself,  but because I’m not aware of it, I think that I’m surrounded by others who feel this way. It sounds so pitiful to say out loud, much less to put in writing, but recognizing, catching, and changing these thoughts, and useless mental conversations, is the most important thing that we can do to change our lives for the better.

Man has a peculiar, strange feeling, a little affection for the feeling of being unwanted or being hurt, and he likes to talk about it. Try to get out of this habitual state.”  Neville Goddard, from his lecture, “Three Propositions”

24 thoughts on “Time for new conversations

  1. Mary, I often wonder if our responses are just as interesting to you as your postings are to us. My reaction this morning to the above: I am smiling. You have discovered and uncovered my inner critic. Do you have one as well? It seems you do. Do we all have inner critics? I think we must all be much alike but I don’t know this for a fact. My inner critic enjoys me feeling sorry for myself; feeling hard done by; someone else is picking on me, poor me. And then I think of what my husband says when I ask him if he’s feeling sorry for himself. He says: I have to, no-one else will feel sorry for me. And I smile. I have yet to find a name for my inner critic, one that seems suitable to me. However, when I start to feel sorry for myself, I know that I need to start looking at myself to figure out why. I’m the only one who makes me feel this way; if others do, I’m not handling whatever it is as well as I could. How is it that you live in my head, Mary. I relate completely.
    SandyP in Canada

    • I LOVE the comments Sandy! Even though I don’t always respond in writing, I read each one with such appreciation….and yes, I certainly do have an inner critic, we all do. Some seem to thrive on self-pity, others on angry fights. I don’t believe that we ever get rid of them, but recognizing them, and not allowing them to run our lives, is a huge step!

    • (Sandy, I swear she is telepathic, too!)

      I put a key under the mat
      for when Mary enters my head.
      A light left on to welcome her
      and the gifts of all she’s said.
      Layered deep past piles of dust,
      old behaviors cast aside.
      Fresh air replaces stale ways
      when Mary’s voice becomes my guide.

      • That is so lovely, Cheryl B! Mary’s keys sure open new doors of possibilities while helping us, too, to lock away old habits that no longer serve us. And Mary’s door? It’s always open, and we are always welcome. No keys necessary! xoxox

  2. AMEN!! AMEN!! Mary, I do this too. Thank you for reminding me to look at the EVIDENCE of my life rather than the “less than positive” committee meeting going on in my brain. I try not to criticize the “committee” but figure out if there is any truth in these thoughts, sometimes there is, sometimes not. Then take an apprpriate action. I have to bounce things off people I trust too. Jill

  3. Definitely time for new conversations! I have, throughout my life, at times, felt inferior to others, not smart enough, not pretty enough. I do realize that I am the one starting this dialogue, and that if I feel badly about myself,I must first look within. Thank you Mary.

  4. Oh boy, this is a poignant and hit-home post! How easy it is to excuse the habit of feeling so different, so alone, so pitiful-me….thank you Mary for pointing out that this is yet another trick of the doubtful mind and a destructive thought pattern….not so very different than thinking negative thoughts about anyone or anything else. It is a daily, minute by minute task of forgiveness and awareness, this business of love and light, isn’t it?

  5. Seems like we live in a time when we are bombarded by critics. They abound especially
    on television, dissecting every speech, every gesture, every move and the message is invariably negative. But in looking up criticism, I found this: Criticism is the practice of judging the merits and faults of something or someone in an intelligible (or articulate) way. Hmm, merits? Maybe when our inner critic raises its not so pretty head, we need to ask it to take a seat and give our quieter sister critic of merits a chance to counter with all that we do well, all the wonderful attributes we have that we do employ and quite successfully so. I decided to choose an angel card at random for the flock today from my little deck of Doreen Virtue, “Healing with the Angels” cards, and here is the one that surfaced. Every card is always so positive, and it is a wonderful way to start the day. I chose (or maybe it chose us!) Guardian Angel. Here is what it has to say:

    Card Meaning: Your guardian angels want you to know how much they love you right now. Your angels’ love is completely unconditional and all-encompassing.

    You are not alone. You drew this card as a love letter from your guardian angels, who want you to know, “We’re right here. We have never left you and can never leave you.”

    Your guardian angels say that you deserve their help and attention. There is nothing that you could have ever thought, said or done that could ostracize your from your Divine helpers. They never judge or abandon you for the mistakes you make. The angels are simply here to support you so thatyou can spiritually grow and help others.
    _________________________________

    So there it is, our love letter from the angels. Let’s carry that thought today, “Nothing you could have ever thought, (hear that, critic!) said, or done could ostracize you from your Divine helpers.”

    We appreciate you Mary!!

    • This was such a nice thing for you to do for the Flock, Susan! I was at a seminar yesterday, and the presenter began talking about our guardian angels and how they hold us lovingly and support us as much as we will allow. And now you give us this gift today! Thank you so much. Synchronicity at work once again.

    • I love that…”our quieter sister critic of merits..” thank you Susan (and for the angel card too!)

  6. I am a habitual offender in the realms of having an inner critic. I was raised that way. To this day my mom, bless her heart, is as self-denigrating as she was when I was two years old. She will never give it up, but I am mightily trying. I am getting better at catching myself at these things, but it is hard, hard work.

    Thank you, Mary, for shining the light into the corners that need clearing out!

  7. ARRGHH! This one I had to sit with for a long while before I could respond; thought maybe it would be better to remain silent on this one so as not to dredge up the self- pity machine. But the fact remains: even if the critic was desperately real, someone we were told we must respect, who systematically planted and tended and cultivated disdain and criticism for our entire formative years, we STILL have to do the work to get beyond it. We still have to realize that to carry it forward means we continue to repeat a life half lived. Yes, Debra, it is a daily, minute by minute task! But forgiveness is the way toward the light and love—and I dispense it upon myself and others by the boatload. It’s been a lifetime learning experience and I now invite my ‘inner’ critic to join me for a laugh or a romp in the park because, by comparison, nothing can hurt me more than the dismal certainty of remaining in the past.

    • “Nothing can hurt me more than the dismal certainty of remaining in the past”. These are profound words…thank you

  8. I agree with all these shining thinkers–self judgment is mighty critical, and often wrong! When I’m feeling useless or ignored, I need to remind myself it’s from the inside out. We tend to gather the perceptions of those around us and magnify them, but mainly the criticisms. We look for what ‘proves’ these misperceptions and build more negativity. Good habits to catch (gently) and reverse!

  9. Ah, the inner critic. I have taken part in those NaNoWriMo events where you try to write a novel in a month. I have done this a few times, taken part. But what always happened is, the “goblin of perfection” makes an apperance. I have discussed the goblin with other writers who have this problem. We have brainstormed some ideas for coping. Magic purple duck tape, putting gargoyles on the computer (they repel evil) tower.

    I grew up in a critical family. It is difficult having my own goblin of perfection to battle, but I have a couple of gargoyles on hand. Then I always have my trusty iron skillet!

  10. What a powerful blog post today. Brought up so many things for me. The comments from the group also resonated with me and I am really feeling the ONEness of our group.

    In Mary’s post she says – “I’m the one, that is not appreciating myself.” She has turned the original thought around. This is SO the technique that Byron Katie uses to look at and question our thoughts.

    Sandy P spoke of her inner critic and Jill spoke of the committee in her head. These are both terms that describe two different Enneagram types. We might have similar characteristics, but certain types REALLY have those descriptive traits.

    Another thought I had relates to the Course in Miracles – the word ego comes to mind to describe the inner critic and the committee and the critical, negative thoughts. We can choose again and look with “spirit” at what is bothering us instead of with the ego. Key point is to not judge ourselves wrong for our initial choice of whom we look with.

    These are opportunities for growth – not to further disdain ourselves. Aren’t we fortunate to be learning more ways of awareness and how to implement changes. We are definitely catching ourselves quicker than before.

    Whatever we are looking at “out there” is what is hidden in ourself. Let’s face the things we are projecting out. Face it, accept that you have it, modify it and do NOT judge yourself.

  11. The demon projection. How often I’m able to see others guilty of it and neglect to see when I’m using it. Self awareness is the first step. Sometimes that’s as far as I get!
    I’m totally focused on the progress or lack there of with my left eye. “Worry,worry,blurry,blurry.” It’s hard to not expect miracles. I read my literature and it’s post-op doom and gloom. “Sometimes the eye remains blurry and must be followed by laser treatment.” Oh, that’s all I needed to read and my fantasys run wild. I need to remember to work on turning the fear into faith. And I really don’t like being so me oriented. This isn’t my way.
    I have so many things in my life to be grateful for.

  12. I too have many things in my life to be grateful for. One of them is this blog and all of your comments. I used to read “Day at a Time” books to kick my day in a positive direction. Now I rely on Coach Mary and her Team!! Bravo, and may we all fly high with hope and gratitude.

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