I was doing the dishes yesterday afternoon and an interesting thought came to me…one I’ve never had before. I was thinking about what someone told me that an old high school boyfriend said about me (15 years after we’d broken up) when she ran into him in a bar. The break up was initiated by me, and he was really upset, but at the time, I didn’t care all that much. I was on to other things; boys, drinking, and a variety of semi-crazy behaviour and thought. What he said to my friend was: “I look forward to the day when Mary comes crawling back so I can tell her no.”
I haven’t seen this man in years and I have no idea how he feels now, but my thought yesterday was, “I have changed so much since high school when I was an angry young girl, actively drinking, taking drugs, trying so hard to find happiness and feeling so deeply distressed and alone”. I think this is what grudges are all about; holding a snapshot of someone in our minds and not allowing them to change, so even if they do, we cannot see the change, won’t allow it, otherwise years of hating might seem wasted.”
But the truth is that any negative image held in our minds, drains our life, our energy and our ability to embrace the new. Resentments and anger are exhausting and limiting in the most severe way, making us feel old and tired. My intention for this weekend is to look at everyone that I meet (or even think about) and especially those that I know, as if I’m meeting them for the first time.
“What we know of other people, is only our memory of the moments, during which we knew them. And they have changed since then. To pretend that they, and we, are the same, is a useful and convenient social convention which must sometimes be broken. We must remember that at every meeting, we are meeting a stranger.” T. S. Eliot