I wrote a few weeks ago about my sons taking over the planning of the Christmas party (at our house), how this was really new for me, and that I was somewhat excited about it. But as the actual event got closer (and the number of people coming grew), my anticipation turned into anxiety. No matter how I looked at it, 20+ people, in a 800 square foot house, is a tight fit. Because Tom and Matt wanted a more formal affair, this would also involve moving furniture out of the house (to make room for large tables) before the dinner, and back in (after the tables were removed) so we could play charades which is a tradition that we all love. I kept imagining a lot of chaos and I could feel myself in the center of it as a tense little ball.
I knew what I was doing (imagining what I feared instead of what I wanted) but I couldn’t seem to go to the positive scenario. As I was about to leave the house, my brother called and tried to help me get centered, but my mind was still racing. I took a drive downtown to get gas and buy wrapping paper, and as I was walking out of the gas station, still feeling like I was on the verge of tears, I looked down, and lying in the wet, muddy, doorway was a penny. I picked it up and said, “Thank you. This is an angel helping me” and then drove to Rite Aid, ran into old friends who laughed with me (and reminded me to meditate) and went home again. But now I knew what I had to do.
Sitting on the couch, I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and thought, “What do I want?” I had to let go of the fear that my sons would be disappointed (if we didn’t have the party the way they wanted it), and get what I thought everyone else wanted and needed out of my mind so I could feel the answer. My brother had offered to host the party (and let the boys do the cooking there too) and when I imagined this, it felt like a deep breath. A few minutes later, Matt called and said that he and Tom had talked and that they were fine having the party at my brother’s house.
The discipline of focusing on what I want (and how I want to feel) instead of letting fearful, disappointed, chaotic or uncomfortable scenarios run wild in my mind, is hands-down the hardest work that I have ever done. It’s odd that sometimes the unhappy thoughts and feelings seem more “realistic”, and imagining what I want can feel like fantasy, because I’ve had evidence over and over that when I make an attempt to see and feel what I want, instead of what I fear (even when I don’t do it perfectly) things unfold in amazingly easy and wonderful ways.
“Hold fast, in your imagination, to all that is lovely and of good report, for the lovely and the good are essential in your life, if it is to be worthwhile. Assume it. You do this by imagining that you already are what you want to be, and you already have what you want to have…then, with an irresistible forward movement, you move forward across a series of events to the physical realization of your wish, that where you have been in imagination, there you will be in the flesh also“. Neville Goddard from The Power of Awareness