On Friday, my son Tom will be getting married. The preparation has been exciting and stressful, and both the exciting and stressful parts were as a result of my thinking. I hit what felt like a bottom (with the stressful part) on Sunday afternoon. I tried to take a nap and felt myself consumed by every little detail (many of which I didn’t even have anything to do with me) including the weather.
My mind just kept tossing out worried little thoughts, one after the other, for me to consider, and I was giving each one my attention. I justified this thinking (stressful thoughts) by saying, “I just want his wedding day to be perfect” and I would have believed this in the past, but I know too much now.
I know that “perfect” has much less to do with what happens, than how I am feeling/thinking about what happens. I know that even if I was capable of lining up every single component of this wedding (to what I thought was absolute perfection) that this still wouldn’t create a perfect wedding day. I know what creates a perfect wedding, or a perfect vacation, a perfect event, a perfect day…and that is the Spirit of Love. The Spirit of God, that shines through a mind that is open to all that happens, and doesn’t clamp shut with thoughts like, “This shouldn’t be happening! or What if…., or I’m just worried about…..” is what creates a “perfect” atmosphere.
I started repeating, “God is in control of this wedding. All is perfect”. I decided that I was going to joyfully do my part and then sit back and watch in wonder as the untold moving parts came together in harmony…in Grace. This thought was like taking a deep, restful breath.
Many years ago, when I heard people say that they were turning something over to God, it sounded to me like they were coping out; depending on some guy, sitting somewhere in a cloud, helping out (or not), depending on “His Will” for them. This was the kind of God that I was raised with, and it was never a very comforting or reassuring thought to turn anything over to “Him” (it was for sure a man) since I believed that I’d been bad enough in my life, that when I finally turned anything over, it would be “His” chance to give me what I deserved; nothing, or nothing good. I could imagine him saying, “Oh, you’re finally asking me now huh? Well forget it missy! You are too late. I don’t even hear your prayers anymore.” Like when George Bailey, in, It’s A Wonderful Life, went to Mr. Potter in desperation, to beg for mercy and help, and Mr. Potter “helped him” by calling the police to have George arrested.
Dropping this image of God, as a strict, sometimes punitive Being, did not happen overnight…and it still creeps back at times. I know I’m back there when I feel all alone. When I feel like I need to figure it all out without any help (or certainly any loving help).
But most of the time, when I think about God, The Spirit of the Universe, I feel like I am a part of a huge, expanding, beautiful sphere of light that includes every being, tree, rock, animal, thought, experience. And I remember that It is Harmony, Grace, Peace, Happiness, and Perfect Timing.