Getting my feelings hurt

I ran into a friend the other day who said he was getting married later this year. I wasn’t surprised that they were getting married, but I felt an instant “punch to the gut” that they hadn’t asked me to officiate. This seems like a logical feeling; after all, I am a minister, and I’ve known this couple, since they became a couple.

But what was disturbing to me, was how illogical and downright stupid the feeling of being excluded was, since I’ve made it pretty clear (over the past couple of years) that I do not officiate weddings anymore. But that didn’t matter to my ego. It wants to be invited to everything (even when it doesn’t want to go), wants to be included, and gets its feelings hurt when it isn’t.

I drove away and thought, “You can look at this situation a couple of ways: That they didn’t want you, or that they were honoring your limits. One way you are going to feel good, the other, you are going to feel bad. Which will it be?” Either way, I was the one telling myself the story.

It is always my mind, my thoughts, that make a situation into heaven or hell.

Back to getting my feelings hurt…. What an odd statement that is, and I am not sure that I ever really looked at it before writing this. Getting my feelings hurt.

If my “feelings” are based on petty, small, exclusive, jealous, or negative thought, why not “hurt” them a little? Maybe that will shake them up. Like saying, “Hey, grow up you little pain in the butt. You are bigger than that!”…and this thought does make me laugh!

To jealousy, nothing is more frightful than laughter.” Francoise Sagan

24 thoughts on “Getting my feelings hurt

  1. When i start thinking like that and verbalize it to my daughter she says “get off the crazy train devil woman” makes me laugh like a jackass….and quoting a beloved friend/therapist “just cause ya think it doesn’t make it real”….lordy i had to chew on that one forever till the light bulb went on…why do we think like this….here’s to having a wondrous belly laugh till we have to run to the girls room.

  2. The following is a quote from Dr. Abraham Low – the founder of the self-help organization called Recovery International. His philosophies and teachings were the precursor to cognitive behavioral therapy. (http://www.lowselfhelpsystems.org):

    This is from one of his books.
    “Her ‘feelings’ were the belief in her importance, and when belief in averageness was substituted, calm and poise took the place of hurt feelings which is a misnomer for beliefs not shared.”

  3. Amen to that, Mary. Is it human nature to reach for the ‘hurt’ first, then reason with your ‘hurt’ feelings and deal with it. I’m not sure laughter in the face of hurt feelings works. If I did that to someone for whom Jealousy is foremost in their minds, because of their insecurities, they would take offence. Interesting thought though. Loved your post…again, it’s something I think we all experience initially until we catch ourselves up.
    SandyP in Canada

  4. What would I do without my morning ‘lesson’?!! Love your posts, they always, always seem to speak to what I am dealing with—how DO you do that?!

  5. Mary, you are really teaching us, through your own life experiences, to observe immediately in a semi-detached way, our reactions to what is happening to us, or again, what we first perceive is happening or being done to us. And there’s almost always two ways to look at things. Our choices make such a difference. I know someone who starts so many sentences with “The problem is”. . . whereas substitute challenge for problem, and it seems then to be something you can rise to, instead of being stuck with. Catching our little monkey minds! Doing a U-turn!

  6. Sometimes I can’t get out of my own way and my brain boils from all the thinking I do. I’m a Virgo and, true to form, I nit-pick every little thing down to its bare bones. I would have made a great medical researcher (or a detective).

    The thing is, I always see three sides to things like this…the two sides of the story and the real truth. So, using your story, Mary, I tell myself, “Self…you can wallow in hurt feelings, you can go the other way and choose to believe the couple was respecting your limits, or you can ask the person why they didn’t pick you to officiate.”

    And there’s the rub. I never know which of the three options to go with. Because assuming either of the first two, I could be wrong. The only way to know is to ask, which isn’t always feasible.

    Next time, I’m NOT coming back with the Virgo mind.

    • Suzanne, I am also a Virgo and at one time, earlier in my adulthood, I considered it, as well, a curse. I saw things clearly but as my father used to say, you’re like a dog with a bone, you never give up…whatever it was I was nitpicking about. Somehow, after some rather disastrous feedbacks, I’ve tried to stop this behaviour or maybe I’ve just gone underground, in the closet or maybe I don’t have the energy any more and let most stuff go. But on the other hand, I cannot help but see things in sequential logicalness…is there such a word. Yesterday a friend said to me as I was driving her back into town: there are always two sides to every story. I disagreed. There is one person’s story and another person’s story, no sides, no truth either, just facts and feelings that one person is right, the other wrong. We all see whatever we see through our own eyes and perceptions. There is really no truth, only the truth as it applies to us. But there are facts and there is reality. Never fear coming back as a Virgo. We have many good qualities that override our tendency to nitpick ourselves through situations in life. And that in itself, is not a bad thing. Interesting that you mentioned being a detective. I read nothing but most of the time. I must be a closet detective in life.
      SandyP in Canada

  7. Ever since my niece put her two index fingers next to her head, slightly above the ears, and wiggled them in the cutest way while saying “Is your feelers hurt, Auntie?” I’ve never been able to keep a straight face when I confront my monkey mind. And nobody puts it more to the point than you, Mary. This theater of friends relate so well.

  8. IT IS LIKE AESOP’S FABLE OF “THE DOG AND THE HAY”. The dog sits guarding the hay that he can’t eat from the cows staring on with hungry eyes.
    Sometimes we “want what we want when we want it” just so we have the choice to say “NO”!

  9. After writing and posting my response to Mary’s Post, I read over some of the other postings! I too am a Virgo, and my children have always called me “The Detective” and my sister has always said that I am “like a dog with a bone”. Since my busy brain needs something to chew on, I am most content when I find the “right bone” – like a good book to read, or a good Blog to read and Post on. Happy Day to all. 🙂

    • Ah….another Virgo. You hit it spot on about finding the ‘right bone.’ Good books keep me out of trouble. An occasional foray into trashy TV can do it,too (although I’m loathe to admit that). 😉

      • Here’s to Virgos…it’s our month from the 15th on…a Leo is a much better choice, I think, but I’ve come to appreciate Virgos for their gifts rather than their ‘bones’….so, good wishes when the calendar turns the page for you this month. We’re in good company,
        SandyP in Canada

  10. One voice here of dissent… I’ve just started reading your blog recently and have been enjoying it very much. But the final paragraph of this post made me pause. I don’t see this as a monkey mind thing — it was an emotional response in the moment. Something in you did feel rejected/excluded… hurt. So — if I’m reading this correctly and not projecting my own stuff on to it — you essentially said to that part of you that felt hurt “Get over it!” and you wanted to jab at it (“why not hurt them a little?”). When I re-read your post (because I really want to be sure I’m not misreading it), it seems you went from experiencing a genuine emotional response at the start to, at the end, calling that response a “‘feeling'” (your quotes) based on petty/negative/jealous/etc thought. I agree that sometimes we provoke our own feelings from the thoughts or stories we tell ourselves, but just as often, we have a genuine emotional response to a real situation. And if it’s a painful emotion that leads us to vulnerability, I think we can do one of two things: either we can go into our heads and label it and try to rationalize it or judge it with the ultimate effect of rejecting it, or we can sit with that emotion and give that part of ourselves that is feeling the emotion a little bit of space; we can feel where it is in our bodies and then breathe into it with compassion and let it move and evolve. This latter choice doesn’t mean diving into it, making up a drama about it; it just means giving it a little bit of room and allowing it to coexist with the rest of the multitude within us. Whenever I choose the former, I may have momentary relief and I will often feel efficient, but the emotion will indeed be triggered again at a later time. Whenever I choose the latter, I end up, at the end of the process, feeling connected to myself with a sense of love; I have a fuller sense of myself. And sometimes I am led to an early memory, and I realize that the part of me that experienced that early event was left frozen by it, and by taking the time now to sit with myself, it thaws and relaxes and breathes. *** But I may well have misread your post; we all each know ourselves the best and it was your experience and not mine to extrapolate from… Thank you, in any case, for the opportunity here to respond to it. We all write from our own “stuff”, and I know I’ve spent too much life force using my brain to label, then judge, then reject various parts of me, and I’m really trying not to do it anymore. Best wishes to you, Mary.

    • Wow, Leslie–I love your post, too! I think I need both responses at times, a little honoring of my feelings, a little not taking them too seriously! Thanks for your perspective.

      • Diane – your note of needing both responses at times was the perfect adjunct to Leslie’s post, and showed how to balance it all. Kudos to you, as well!

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