I woke up this morning with two thoughts running through my mind. The first was, “You do not have to do anything to be loving, you are Love. Just stop doing and thinking non-loving things.” The second thought was about my former mother-in-law.
From the moment that we met, we were uncomfortable with each other, and that didn’t change over the years that I was married to her son, my ex husband, Tom. I had a lot of complaints about her, and she about me. One day, I was voicing my unhappiness about the way that she treated me to someone who knew us both, and this person basically said, “I can see both sides.” I was livid. What did she mean by both sides?! In my mind there was one side (well, one right side at any rate) and that was mine. How dare she think that I had anything to do with the problems in this relationship.
At that point in my life, I didn’t know how to honestly look at myself and say, “What is this showing me about me? or Am I treating her the way that I would like to be treated: am I applying the Golden Rule by not thinking about her what I wouldn’t want thought about me?” These questions, which I have now come to know as the keys to clarity and inner peace, were not a part of my consciousness at that time, so I had two options: blame her or blame me.
I thought critical, judgemental thoughts about her whenever we were together (and a lot in between) but put on a fake, happy face and smile when I was with her, and couldn’t understand why she was such a (blank) to me. I didn’t believe that my thoughts had anything to do with my outer, external world….or my inner world.
I didn’t know that my thoughts could make me so unhappy, but I do now. And NOW is where all transformation happens. The past is over, or it can be, now. The moment that I stop thinking thoughts that block who I really am, and who the other person really is, the truth (which is beyond sides and stories) bubbles up and it is awe-inspiring.
“You want to be loved because you do not love: but the moment you love, it is finished, you are no longer inquiring whether or not somebody loves you.” J. Krishnamurti