It took me many years to finally understand the difference between a gut feeling (intuitive guidance) and my feelings. I can remember hearing spiritual teachers talk about this and it sounded like semantics to me; feeling, feelings? Then one day it became clear. I was dating a man who wasn’t the best choice for me. He was hot and cold, charming and distant, and I really wanted him to want me. I was obsessed with getting him to pay attention to me….to fall in love with me.
I would point out to him (on a regular basis) how he needed to be more loving and caring. I felt like I could bring out the love in him, by explaining to him that his unhappy childhood (he grew up in a home with very little love) was the cause of his lack of intimacy and caring. I saw him as damaged, but knew that my love could make him whole.
All the while, a little “knowing” inside was saying, “This isn’t right for you. You need to look at yourself, not try to change him.” I did not want to listen to that voice so I tried to ignore it. It grew louder. I kept ignoring it. Then it started to show up in my body as illness and pain.
I didn’t know that my own intense feelings of “love” for him (well, that is what I called it) were really the inner cries for me to come home to myself and heal those places in my own heart. I was not aware of the degree of self-hated I possessed or how inadequate I felt, so I projected the “whole mess” (which is what I really felt like) onto him and then went to work…on him. Hopeless. Futile. Impossible.
The most loving thing that I could have done, both for him and for myself, would have been to end the relationship (which I eventually did but not without a lot of drama and blame) and let him live the life of his choice…but I thought I knew better.
When I have an intense longing (feelings) for something/someone, that my intuition (feeling) is guiding me to turn away from, I now see it as a call to come Home, not a call to jump in and try to fix it or them or make a situation (by sheer effort) happen. When I am confused, frightened, struggling, or “trying to be loving”, I am not clear.
I have finally realized that my attempt to fix someone/something is really just spiritual pride. I (secretly) think that I am better, more advanced, more aware, and more loving than they are. I have assigned myself the role of saviour…and I am the one who needs “saving”….not by then turning on myself with blame, analysis, criticism or condemnation, but by love; loving myself, accepting myself, honoring myself and my intuition, and allowing that deep, knowing, part of me to guide and direct my life….and bring me Home.
When I make decisions from this place, they always flow, always bring more harmony, clarity and love. Everyone is free, everyone feels more themselves, and I have the feeling that I’m being taken along for a wonderful ride instead of being the one who has to drag the situation along, exhausting myself, while simultaneously patting myself on the back for being the saviour.
“The world is perfect. As you question your mind, this becomes more and more obvious. Mind changes, and as a result, the world changes. A clear mind heals everything that needs to be healed. It can never be fooled into believing that there is one speck out of order“. Byron Katie