feeling clear


It took me many years to finally understand the difference between a gut feeling (intuitive guidance) and my feelings. I can remember hearing spiritual teachers talk about this and it sounded like semantics to me; feeling, feelings? Then one day it became clear. I was dating a man who wasn’t the best choice for me. He was hot and cold, charming and distant, and I really wanted him to want me. I was obsessed with getting him to pay attention to me….to fall in love with me.

I would point out to him (on a regular basis) how he needed to be more loving and caring. I felt like I could bring out the love in him, by explaining to him that his unhappy childhood (he grew up in a home with very little love) was the cause of his lack of intimacy and caring. I saw him as damaged, but knew that my love could make him whole.

All the while, a little “knowing” inside was saying, “This isn’t right for you. You need to look at yourself, not try to change him.” I did not want to listen to that voice so I tried to ignore it. It grew louder. I kept ignoring it. Then it started to show up in my body as illness and pain.

I didn’t know that my own intense feelings of “love” for him (well, that is what I called it) were really the inner cries for me to come home to myself and heal those places in my own heart. I was not aware of the degree of self-hated I possessed or how inadequate I felt, so I projected the “whole mess” (which is what I really felt like) onto him and then went to work…on him. Hopeless. Futile. Impossible.

The most loving thing that I could have done, both for him and for myself, would have been to end the relationship (which I eventually did but not without a lot of drama and blame) and let him live the life of his choice…but I thought I knew better.

When I have an intense longing (feelings) for something/someone, that my intuition (feeling) is guiding me to turn away from, I now see it as a call to come Home, not a call to jump in and try to fix it or them or make a situation (by sheer effort) happen. When I am confused, frightened, struggling, or “trying to be loving”, I am not clear.

I have finally realized that my attempt to fix someone/something is really just spiritual pride. I (secretly) think that I am better, more advanced, more aware, and more loving than they are. I have assigned myself the role of saviour…and I am the one who needs “saving”….not by then turning on myself with blame, analysis, criticism or condemnation, but by love; loving myself, accepting myself, honoring myself and my intuition, and allowing that deep, knowing, part of me to guide and direct my life….and bring me Home.

When I make decisions from this place, they always flow, always bring more harmony, clarity and love. Everyone is free, everyone feels more themselves, and I have the feeling that I’m being taken along for a wonderful ride instead of being the one who has to drag the situation along, exhausting myself, while simultaneously patting myself on the back for being the saviour.

The world is perfect. As you question your mind, this becomes more and more obvious. Mind changes, and as a result, the world changes. A clear mind heals everything that needs to be healed. It can never be fooled into believing that there is one speck out of order“. Byron Katie

16 thoughts on “feeling clear”

  1. This is another one of your posts that was written “for me and about me.” (Probably most of us who read your blog will identify with it.) I am going to “sit with the thoughts” throughout the day and maybe post a statement later. In the meantime, I sure look forward to what others will be saying. To say it resonated with me, is an understatement. By the way, I married the person that I thought “my love” could help and change….guess what – it did not work out!

  2. How deeply grateful I am for this writing. I lived this exactly.. Seeing it concisely described is my blessing for this day. Deep thanks for this sharing Mary. Melissa

  3. “A clear mind heals everything that needs to be healed” ~ Mary, i will take these words with me and reflect back on them often, WOW, this is so powerful as is your post today. I see so much of myself in your story, always wanting to fix things when I am the one needing to fix myself.
    Love you friend and admire your insight. ❤❤❤ Marian

  4. This was me (and still is to a certain degree). I married my first husband because I thought HE could save ME.
    I married my second husband because I thought I could save HIM. All the time, I just needed to save myself.

    Powerful post, Mary. You always bring us to what’s real. Many thanks!

    P.S. I really love your new website. So pretty, warm and welcoming!

  5. Goodness, Mary, I didn’t even know my own mind when I first got married. I grew up in the last generation before women’s lib and Gloria Steinem. I remember my geometry teacher handing out our exam papers in Grade 10, saying, because I was sadly lacking in understanding geometry: “Don’t worry, Miss Black, you’ll grow up, get married, have babies and never need geometry”. Getting married was what we did. I was so unformed. I was Mrs. Somebody, I did not even consider that I could be someone in my own right and not be identified as being one half, a decorative half of one who was married. And then at thirty-four I was widowed and it was a catalyst for change. I look back and wonder had that not happened, had I not been required to become more independent, to manage my own self and my affairs would I have never grown as a person, not just as a woman. I never thought of changing anyone, least of all myself. I would be looked after, as my father had looked after me. Life never seems to turn out as we expect. I’m not grateful for the experience of loosing my husband but I am grateful for the opportunities it gave me to grow as an individual. I was obviously needy in the sense of needing security yet it never occurred to me to provide that for myself. I was very naïve yet somehow I’ve muddled through.
    Sandy P in Canada

  6. Oh Sandy, you have not only muddled through, your comments here always uplift every one of us who read them. I cringed once two years ago when my son’s future bride described her young son from a former relationship as a “special needs child” – as if that defined him. (and all because he was diagnosed with ADHD) Big deal. Big gulp. Are we not all “special” and do we not all
    “have needs”? Let’s uplift ourselves today from anything that downcasts our opiniones of ourselves, and most especailly our children and grandchildren so that we and they know that we are so uniquely placed here on this earth in this time and day, to be, to thrive, to express ourselves, to encourage.

    1. Susan, the oddest thing happened yesterday, I got up out of bed with an ominous feeling; It was like a black cloud was hanging over my day. My son called in the morning and he said: “mom, you sound flat, are you okay?” and I wasn’t. I usually get up cheerful (I may not always stay that way throughout the day) but yesterday, to come onto the board here and read your encouraging words, lifted my spirits and just those few words changed the way I saw and felt in my day afterward. Thank you, Susan, your words turned my day around from down in the dumps to something positive and cheerful, appreciative of all that was around me. I had been taking probiotics which were too strong for me and I’ve ended up detoxifying myself without putting enough fluid back into my system. Feeling sad is not an unusual part of detoxing. For me, at least. It can certainly alter my moods. You see what a few positive words can do…they nurture the soul and the mind.
      SandyP in Canada

      1. And dear Sandy, it is now June 2, and because there wasn’t a new post from Mary today, I decided to mosey on back to the last post, – I am so glad you shared today. Feeling sad is an emotion as precious as feeling inspired or enabled. I think it is from sadness that we connect with each other and it is the most underestimated element in making connection with everyone, known or unknown to us as individuals. We suffer, and we feel, and it ignites us to share, – so we do not feel so very alone.

    2. …”to be, to thrive, to express ourselves, to encourage.” You musta been a super mom. 🙂

  7. Wow! This was good for many of us! I think maybe as mothers we tend to want to “fix” everyone & until we learn to “fix” ourselves we should leave others alone. This quote is meaningful to me – “The epitome of arrogrance is telling someone else what they should do.” I do not know the source, but it is true. Thanks for all the ways you help us on our Journey! Mary Ann

  8. I was going to begin my comment with “I made a poor choice at the time of my first marriage”. But seeing more clearly in later years, I know that I was meant to have that experience. Because it did change me. And I am so grateful for that. And I also know now that ‘he’ treated me and had expectations from me built on his family experience. And we had very different stories. I didn’t try to change him. I was too busy trying to change myself to satisfy his expectations of a wife. I didn’t even recognize that I was miserable because I was full of fear of failure to the point I was numb. When we finally ended the relationship (no children) I was surprised at how fast I began to blossom. And I was very conscious of that. Even though it was over 30 years ago, I can vividly recall the Christmas Eve when I first awoke to ‘I will be OK…no, I will be better than OK…I have an entire life ahead of me!’ It took many years for me to see (myself) clearly and even longer to feel clear and I continue to work at that. The last 30 plus years have been the happiest years! Even as we weather the life events that temporarily interrupt the happy flow…I know I can find my way Home. It’s not very far. And I am grateful for those painful lessons of the past. A clear mind really does heal everything that needs to be healed! And so does a clear and open heart. Thank you Byron Katie and thank you Mary!! XOXO

  9. Thank you, Mary, for sharing your version of what so many of us do, until we learn our life lessons. One of the blessings of my “senior” years is to have come to a place of being free of the need to fix other people or life situations. I have enough to do — trying to listen to “intuitive guidance” and make the changes I need to make.

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