It has taken me most of my life to realize that if I have a problem with something or someone then I have a problem. The “problem” is mine and the problem is always with my thinking. I’ve heard this stated in 100 different ways but one of my favorites was something I heard Edween Gaines (a Unity minister) say, “If I see a problem with anyone, it is my vision that needs correcting”.
For a while, I thought this meant that I was the only screwed up person, no one else did anything wrong, and I needed to change so I would feel love toward them. This seemed like an impossible task. …and it was.
What I have come to see is that everyone really is perfect. Just because I don’t like the way they are acting, how they are treating me, or others, doesn’t mean that my vision of how they should behave is the right one. That is arrogance in the extreme…and ego running the show.
I am the only one who can determine what is right for me. If I’m around someone who is perpetually hostile or unpleasant and I choose to stay, how can I blame them? How can I call their behaviour wrong? If I want them to change, so I can be happy then I am trying to make them into the image of perfection that I like. Again, arrogance in the extreme.
But knowing that everyone is living the life of their choice (which I have no right to judge) also means that I can leave them, or ask them to leave, or not invite them into my life, without assuming that they are wrong.
I know a woman who stays married to an unhappy, disconnected, mean-spirited, man because she feels like she need to accept him as he is. And she has suffered for years over his behaviour. She has contorted herself 1000 different ways to get him to love her, while all the time ignoring her own pain, which is saying, “Make a new choice for yourself”.
Her ego is in charge but she thinks she is being “spiritual” by staying, while it is so clear, from the outside (and isn’t it always so easy to see from the outside!) that the most loving thing that she could do for herself and him is to leave. He is perfect just the way he is. It is clear that he isn’t perfect for her but she stays because she thinks that he is someone who needs her to fix him. She vacillates between feeling sorry for him, and being angry at him, and he just continues along ignoring her as she continues to ignore her dreams for a happy life.
Dare to dream of a happy life. See it, love it, become it…and that vision will guide and direct you in ways that you could never figure out, manipulate or plan. Trust that you were meant to live a wonderful life.
“Everyone is perfect, just as they are, but there are some people whose perfection I choose not to be around.” Edween Gaines