nothing to fear

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Glinda

How do I know that if I reveal my true self I won’t be rejected? I don’t. I do know this though: if I feel rejected by others, it means that I am still harshly judging myself. In my last post, I finally talked about the 2 divorces that I’d been through. I’d always sensed that I wasn’t being up front about this part of my life and I justified it with reasons like, “The past is over and doesn’t need to be talked about now” or “What value would this be to anyone?” but these weak reasons were cover-ups. The real reasons for not wanting to talk about this part of my life experience were fear and embarrassment.

Many years ago, while I was still in my first marriage, I found out that an acquaintance of mine had been divorced. It was whispered about in those days. I remember sitting next to her at a basketball game (our sons were on the same team) thinking there must be something wrong with her. I was very moralistic about divorce. I was terrified of identifying with anyone who had gone through it. I knew that divorce was wrong, a failure, a sign of weakness…and I wanted to distance myself from it. I wanted to push it away with harsh judgment…I wanted it so badly.

The very idea that I wanted a divorce but couldn’t face this in myself made me really uncomfortable around anyone who had taken this step. When I finally did leave my first husband, I felt a great freedom. I knew it was right for me. This didn’t mean that I felt good about it or myself. I was riddled with guilt and shame. I believed I was a failure and a weak person for not “sticking it out”. I was sure that others were judging me for these reasons… and more.

Then the second marriage and second divorce…I really wanted to hide this. How anyone on a conscious spiritual path could be twice divorced was the question that I was sure most people would ask, or at the very least think… if they knew.

Almost from the beginning of this blog, I’d wanted to write about this part of my path, but the timing never seemed right and I was still afraid. When I wrote on Saturday, I realized that the fear of being judged for this was gone. I could still be misunderstood, but I didn’t feel any need to defend that part of my life…so out it came, along with the story of what’s been happening in my life over the past 8 months.

Saturday night, as Jack and I talked about letting “our secret” out, we both felt free in a new way. Last week our therapist had asked us what each of us wanted…such a great question. Such a tough question. We knew we wanted a life together but what else?

The following morning as we sat with our coffee I brought the question up again, but I didn’t try to get Jack to answer it (an old pattern), I simply asked it out loud of myself…and I didn’t try to answer it either. I just asked in an open way. I asked as if I expected an answer to come to me, but I wasn’t sure how or when. I asked the question, “What do I want?” as if it were a request…which it was. It was like lovingly whispering these words into the great divine ear.

Suddenly the answers came, and they surprised me. I told Jack that I needed space in the mornings to write (at that point, I hadn’t written in weeks) and asked him if he could be out of the house by 9 (Jack has the tendency to putter, and putter, and putter…those of you who know him, I’m sure can believe this) and not get going until late morning. I also said that I wanted the studio for my own. Jack met both requests very positively. He didn’t even hesitate….I could hardly believe it. I’d been trying to get him to clean out the studio for a couple of years, and it had always been a struggle. These answers seemed so right and so the flow that followed felt inspired. Within a day, the studio was cleared. Within 4 days, I was writing again.

In my previous post, I’d put up a quote about not knowing. The last sentence of that quote was,

“A tremendous power works for the man who meets a challenging problem with the honest admission, ‘I don’t know the answer.”

And the next sentences are,

“By turning his helplessness over to the power, he enables it to reveal the answer. It is like turning over the basic materials to a master rug-maker, knowing that he can take what we give and weave something far more beautiful than we could ever do.”*

What do I want? I want to be real. I want to be known. I need to be real and I need to be known. I no longer have anything to hide…no story of a “spiritual me” to protect or hold up, and it feels like heaven.

I want to thank you, actually, Jack and I want to thank you for the outpouring of loving emails and comments that we’ve received since the last post. We have been overwhelmed with love from this community and we are so grateful to you.

A question that’s been coming to me over the past few days is, “How can this being real, being ourselves, opening ourselves up to each other, letting go and getting free, be facilitated here on the White Feather Farm blog?”

No concrete answer has come but if it is meant to be…if it is for the higher good, the way will be shown….all thoughts are welcome!

 

*Page 22 Mystic Path to Cosmic Power by Vernon Howard.

26 thoughts on “nothing to fear

  1. I love you and Jack no matter what….you are awesome kind and loving humans who I am so happy to know! Period! ❤️💕

    Margaret

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  2. This sentence was meaningful in the beautiful simplicity of the thought. The softness and gentleness was palpable. — “lovingly whispering these words into the great divine ear.” (Looking forward to reading what the group will have to say about the thought/question you put out there for us ……. “How can this being real, being ourselves, opening ourselves up to each other, letting go and getting free, be facilitated here on the White Feather Farm blog?”

  3. Dear Mary, It is such an honor to read your honest, heartfelt posts about your marriage (current and past). I’ve been giving thought to your question about how this blog can “encourage being real, being ourselves, opening ourselves up to each other, letting to and getting free”. In many ways, I think your blog is already encouraging this kind of communication. Perhaps you might ask members to share a story, experience or something that entails being somewhat naked and honest…….just a thought. I’m happy for you that you and Jack are clearing out cobwebs (literally and figuratively!) and enjoying a fresh start to this next chapter of your relationship together. Many blessings to you both.

  4. Mary, I, too, have had two divorces and am now, with Ken, in my third — when I was going through my first divorce at the age of 25, with a 1 yr old child, I felt so guilty — I remember saying that I stood before God and promised til death do us part….but later on I realized also that I was doing no one a favor and God did not expect me to live unhappily……but that took a while to come to me. This was back in 1968, and divorce was not talked about much. Now, having seen what happens to women, men and children when a marriage is unhappy, I am glad that I had the courage to pursue my happiness after 37 years of marriage the second time…..and didn’t let guilt make my decision for me. Now, in this new marriage, everything feels so right, and we are so right for each other. Asking yourself what do you want, what would make you happy — good questions. Did Jack ask those, as well? Think it’s a good thing to do no matter what — might keep relationships grounded and on the right path! Thank you for another wonderful, heartfelt blog…..

    • I so much appreciate you sharing this, Pam. In the years since my first divorce, I saw so many blessings that came from that (even though I carried some guilt still). My first husband married (many years ago) a wonderful woman. They are so well suited for each other and so my sons were able to witness their father in a loving partnership (she is also a fabulous step-mother and grandmother to my grandchildren!). you know, I’m not sure if Jack asked this question of himself or not! I’ll have to ask him tonight. Love to you and Ken, Mary

  5. Thank you, Mary, for a wonderful blog. I so enjoy your writings and I seem to see a new joy in this one…I was divorced back in 1974 when it, too, was whispered about. I married two years later to a wonderful man, who passed away this past October. I would not trade those years I had with him for any thing. He was a wonderful stepfather to my four children and I treasure the memories. Thank you for allowing me and all the readers to come along on your journey, Mary. You are a treasure.

  6. So nice to read you after a very long hiatus. Mary, you and Jack are standing in your truths. I feel your relief in your writing!, Cindy Chambers

  7. Wonderful recent blogs of revelation! You have made your way through the dark tunnel, honked your horn of enlightenment and are now seeing and enjoying the sunshine at the end of that tunnel. Let nothing rain on your parade again as you seek and enjoy your new beginnings. Congrats to you and Jack as love blooms to its fullest.

  8. So happy to have your thoughts arriving in my inbox again.
    Thank you for sharing your truth with all of us, as it will help us with
    making sense of our personal journeys, as well.
    Welcome back!

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