Several weeks ago as I was preparing for the opening of my new shop/gallery, I suddenly felt as though I had something in my left eye. At first, it felt like an eyelash, so I rinsed my eye repeatedly but it still bothered me. By 6 p.m. that evening, I was sitting in Urgent Care. My eye was bloodshot, severely irritated, and getting worse. The doctor prescribed antibiotic drops but within a few days, the other eye was affected as well, and neither improved for a week leaving me with blurry vision and a desire to see more clearly. During this time, I asked myself the question, “What am I not wanting/willing to see?”
The answer that came stunned me. It was, “You are afraid to trust your higher self completely. You are still afraid of getting hurt, so you try to protect and look out for yourself. You are ready to awaken more deeply and so a new level of trust is being asked of you now. It will require that you stop looking out for yourself.”
That sounds so simple and lovely. I knew it was the truth and yet I was still hesitant. I hadn’t realized how many fears I had inside…fears of getting hurt that I was trying to avoid by controlling my environment. I hadn’t seen the “comfortable” little walls I’d built around my life.
But as I allowed myself to see more clearly, example after example popped up: I didn’t trust my doctor and thought she might be missing something that could cause me to have a much more serious eye problem.
I didn’t trust that Jack really loved me and so I projected scenarios of him leaving and me being alone, resentful, and unhappy.
I didn’t trust myself and my ability (or lack thereof) to be in a committed relationship, and feared that I would leave someday and regret it.
I didn’t trust my body and feared that without a strict exercise regime I would get fat, unattractive, and weak.
I looked at my past and saw so many examples of how I felt as though I couldn’t trust life and had been afraid of getting hurt. As I allowed myself to see this part of my past, which seemed to be rising up from some dark, unexplored, area, I also asked myself, “What does, ‘I’ll get hurt’ really mean?”
In each scenario, I had projected an unhappy, miserable, sad or angry, me. Being left, being taken advantage of, being unattractive, being angry and then lashing out and burning bridges, being suspicious…all of the things that I feared had a common denominator: an unhappy me at the core which seemed to stem from an image that I’d held of myself.
I know that images can be changed but they must first be seen, and this is what I was being shown, and at the same time I was being asked, “Are you willing to see yourself as happy no matter what happens on the ‘outside?’”
I loved that question. I wanted to answer yes, so I tried it by asking, “Can I see myself as happy, even with a serious eye problem if that is what I have? Yes, I can imagine that. Can I see myself as happy even if I am single? Yes, I can imagine that too. Can I see myself staying in this marriage and being happy? Yes, I can imagine that too. I pulled to mind every fear of being hurt that I could remember/imagine, and then I imagined myself in that same situation but as a trusting, happy, calm, and relaxed woman.
I truly think that holding this happy image of myself in all situations is one of the most important lessons that I’ve been shown, and I look forward to witnessing the transformation of me.
“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths…beautiful people do not just happen.” Elizabeth Kubler-Ross