our beautiful selves

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FRED

Several weeks ago as I was preparing for the opening of my new shop/gallery, I suddenly felt as though I had something in my left eye. At first, it felt like an eyelash, so I rinsed my eye repeatedly but it still bothered me. By 6 p.m. that evening, I was sitting in Urgent Care. My eye was bloodshot, severely irritated, and getting worse. The doctor prescribed antibiotic drops but within a few days, the other eye was affected as well, and neither improved for a week leaving me with blurry vision and a desire to see more clearly. During this time, I asked myself the question, “What am I not wanting/willing to see?”

The answer that came stunned me. It was, “You are afraid to trust your higher self completely. You are still afraid of getting hurt, so you try to protect and look out for yourself. You are ready to awaken more deeply and so a new level of trust is being asked of you now. It will require that you stop looking out for yourself.”

That sounds so simple and lovely. I knew it was the truth and yet I was still hesitant. I hadn’t realized how many fears I had inside…fears of getting hurt that I was trying to avoid by controlling my environment. I hadn’t seen the “comfortable” little walls I’d built around my life.

But as I allowed myself to see more clearly, example after example popped up: I didn’t trust my doctor and thought she might be missing something that could cause me to have a much more serious eye problem.

I didn’t trust that Jack really loved me and so I projected scenarios of him leaving and me being alone, resentful, and unhappy.

I didn’t trust myself and my ability (or lack thereof) to be in a committed relationship, and feared that I would leave someday and regret it.

I didn’t trust my body and feared that without a strict exercise regime I would get fat, unattractive, and weak.

I looked at my past and saw so many examples of how I felt as though I couldn’t trust life and had been afraid of getting hurt. As I allowed myself to see this part of my past, which seemed to be rising up from some dark, unexplored, area, I also asked myself, “What does, ‘I’ll get hurt’ really mean?”

In each scenario, I had projected an unhappy, miserable, sad or angry, me. Being left, being taken advantage of, being unattractive, being angry and then lashing out and burning bridges, being suspicious…all of the things that I feared had a common denominator: an unhappy me at the core which seemed to stem from an image that I’d held of myself.

I know that images can be changed but they must first be seen, and this is what I was being shown, and at the same time I was being asked, “Are you willing to see yourself as happy no matter what happens on the ‘outside?’”

I loved that question. I wanted to answer yes, so I tried it by asking, “Can I see myself as happy, even with a serious eye problem if that is what I have? Yes, I can imagine that. Can I see myself as happy even if I am single? Yes, I can imagine that too. Can I see myself staying in this marriage and being happy? Yes, I can imagine that too. I pulled to mind every fear of being hurt that I could remember/imagine, and then I imagined myself in that same situation but as a trusting, happy, calm, and relaxed woman.

I truly think that holding this happy image of myself in all situations is one of the most important lessons that I’ve been shown, and I look forward to witnessing the transformation of me.

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths…beautiful people do not just happen.”  Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

 

16 thoughts on “our beautiful selves

  1. Mary, this post resonates so much with me! Thank you for sharing it. I have been facing similar fears, and one comment made to me by a bitter ex-husband -“you’ll always be alone” – returns repeatedly to mind, however, the solution of seeing ourselves as strong in the face of these posited possibilities you (and we) imagine is truly healing. I quickly tried it, recalling my last birthday when my then boyfriend broke up with me unexpectedly, and I realized looking back that that day I did feel strong and at peace in the face of adversity, knowing it wasnt me, but him, (to be so cruel!). Truly a healing exercise!! Thank you again for sharing, & being willing to go to the vulnerable place within with honesty, and strength.

    • I love it that you weere willing to try this, Susan…those words spoken to us by angry people can sometimes, without our even realizing it, become a part of the vision that we hold of ourselves…time for us to paint a new picture of us!

  2. It’s a kind of Mew Age twist on an old adage that popped up within the last decade that, “Believing is seeing.”
    But I think sometimes it really does follow that “Seeing is believing.” I never thought I could be a strong, independent woman if my husband left. I “knew” I’d fall apart, careening into a pit of fear, unable to survive. Then it happened, and I stepped right up to the plate. I never would have believed my being capable of this. So in this case, I “saw” what I did, and then “believed” I was able to do it.
    Sometimes life is thrown at you and sometimes you force it on yourself through deep questioning. Either way works, as long as you get on the train from the station you’re at.
    This was a great post, Mary! As always, you bring good meals to the table. 💜

  3. That is a great post, Mary. I lost my husband last Fall and was so afraid of going on alone. I have tried to believe in myself and am doing ok. Messages such as yours help so much. Thank you.

  4. As usual you have nailed it – wow! I am amazed at the synchronistic nature of your posts – I am reading a really good book called Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself! Love you!

    On Sun, Jun 25, 2017 at 2:33 PM, Mary Muncil ♡ White Feather Farm wrote:

    > Mary Muncil posted: ” Several weeks ago as I was preparing for the opening > of my new shop/gallery, I suddenly felt as though I had something in my > left eye. At first, it felt like an eyelash, so I rinsed my eye repeatedly > but it still bothered me. By 6 p.m. that evening, I w” >

  5. Dear Mary, Thank you for such an honest, powerful post about being vulnerable enough to question the real meaning of things. I hope your eyes are doing better and that they have helped you “see” a new you! 🙂

  6. I hope your eye problem resolves itself with the antibiotic and your new “insights”.
    I appreciated this so much as I am possibly facing a big medical problem and thinking of all the what-ifs as I wait for further tests. It’s hard not to imagine all the worst that could happen and stay positive and happy in the present. Instead of trying to stop myself from having those thoughts (which has not been successful so far) I am going to borrow your words, “I pulled to mind every fear of being hurt that I could remember/imagine, and then I imagined myself in that same situation but as a trusting, happy, calm, and relaxed woman,” and face the fears.
    Thank you for sharing.

  7. Thank you Mary for your wonderful blog. Just reinforces what God showed me this morning. I will be praying for your eyes but I know they will be healed now that God has shown you another wonderful lesson and healing. Just like He shows me too! Much love, blessing , and joy to you! Joan

  8. Reading your post about your inner dialog as you go through this eye issue really parallels my most recent experiences in many ways. It’s so important to let our bodies and minds feel the positive possibilities for our own healing. I too am facing eye surgeries ( for glaucoma). Sure enough, my first thought is to be so hypervigilant as to worry myself to pieces. But because I’ve read your writings before, I knew to take a look at my anxiety to see if I could gain control of the runaway train! Reading your post today helped put the starch back in my shirt, just knowing that it is always an ongoing process to reach our better , more rational and positive selves. I too go into that state of thinking it was totally up to me to achieve the right outcome, and abandon trust. I do hope you will continue to heal m, to find answers and be patient with yourself , within that better, more trusting place. Please let us know, though how your eyes are doing. :).

  9. The things we say about ourselves are often the most destructive ~ yes, turn that dialog into something positive and it makes a world of difference.
    Sending love and hugs to you and hope your eyes are better. ❤

  10. I could feel the energy in my gut swirling faster and faster as I pondered your very insightful question, Mary. That is how I know it hit a very deep place within me. I love the question…because
    I steadfastly believe that unconditional happiness is the foundation to peace within me. Standing
    in happiness at my core even when external factors are threatening to knock me off center…Two
    people close to us have recently passed away. Grief and fear swirling all around me…outside, inside,
    intense, dense. Conversations and discussions when no one is in a place to think about happiness.
    But coming back to my own happiness, allowing my internal flame to glow but at the same time
    honoring those darker emotions, presents a challenge, can be exhausting, but overpowers the
    grief and the fear. Two quotes or comments I read recently, along with your question about our willingness to be happy no matter what’s happening on the outside, are “the light at the end of
    the tunnel is not an illusion, the tunnel is” and “when was the last time I did something for the
    first time?”…all focused on the pursuit of unconditional happiness. We can so easily build that
    tunnel of fear and have to pass through it again and again. I love how you ask yourself the
    question of “can I see myself as happy if…?”. Love the EKR quote. Thank you for this post!

  11. Mary, trust is a huge issue for me, having experiences with the death of my late husband at the age of 34, at finding myself left bankrupt with two young children, of having a home which I owned fraudulently mortgaged and the bank, though my signature was proven not to be on the document the bank had in their possession, proceeded to take legal action against me for four years after the death of my husband, which was a suicide, and at the end of those four years they required me to sign a document saying I would never take them to court for pursuing me as they had or they would continue taking action against me as far as the courthouse steps. So you can see, even all these years later, my trust is placed in careful categories. I do have trust in myself to try and deal with my life in such a way that considers my present husband, myself and those around me. When I need to go for therapy or support, I do. I do try to look at the large picture and not just my part in it. As best as I can, I know that trust for me is a protective measure of what happens to me but I also realize that it is not something that I, alone, can control. Your message is pretty powerful in itself. I’ve been missing you in my inbox.
    Best, Sandy P, in Canada

  12. Thank you Mary. I still remember how you raised my head when I had to face the loss of my grandmother, your namesake. I could go in total peace after bumping into you, and truly that day was the beginning of my journey that lead to where I am now. I value your precious words, your immovable friendship, and your ever presence. 🙂

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