A couple of months ago, I decided to cancel my YMCA membership. I found that I was going less than I thought I should and I felt guilty every time I road past it: I also figured it was a good time to save a little money. But when I checked my bank statement last week, I saw that they’d charged me for this month anyway. I felt annoyed thinking about taking the time to straighten it out and get a refund.
For a couple of minutes, I didn’t do anything but sit with it, and then something opened inside; I realized that even on the days when I needed to push myself to get to the Y, I always felt better when I did.
The message seemed clear; “You need this right now, Mary.”
It was such a small thing, but it made me see, yet again, how much I am being taken care of by the Spirit of Love. It wasn’t at all a mistake by the Y: it was my higher wisdom doing for me what I didn’t, in the moment, have the wisdom to do for myself. Love is all around me…any you, and we can trust it to guide us. Sometimes it works through our friends, sometimes through our family members, sometimes through books or quotes or songs, and sometimes it seems completely anonymous…which only means it is hidden from view.
Going through a divorce is disorienting…and that is how is should be. Life is changing: relationships are changing, the way that I spend my time is changing, even the types of meals that I cook are changing. I was talking with a friend yesterday, and she said, “Divorce is like being dropped out of a mold; you are formless for a time, while your new life takes shape.” I loved that image.
I can feel the wisdom of not trying to fill in the “blanks” too soon. This is a huge challenge. There are times when I feel like I’m sort of banging around in all of this new space and it feels foreign and uncomfortable. At times, a voice in my head will say, “Do something to make a new life for yourself NOW!”…but I also recognize the exquisite pattern and “rightness” of what is happening NOW…even in the space…especially in the space.
The way that I choose to live is by reminding myself thateven when things feel uncomfortable and foreign, I want to be present for it all. I want to be as present for theemptiness as I am for the fullness. I know that Love (which means, for me,something that I can always rely on for perfect guidance, support, and anever-present help) is in the seeming emptiness as well as in the engaged, full, activity of Life.
“There’s a thread you follow. It goes among
things that change. But it doesn’t change.
People wonder about what you are pursuing.
You have to explain about the thread.
But it is hard for others to see.
While you hold it you can’t get lost.
Tragedies happen, people get hurt
or die, and you suffer and get old.
Nothing you do can stop time’s unfolding.
You don’t ever let go of the thread”.