It’s been almost a year since I moved to Montpelier, Vermont. To say that life has dramatically changed during this year would be an understatement, but that is true for each of us, isn’t it. There’s so much that I want to share with you regarding what’s been happening in my life, but every time I begin to write about something in particular, it feels insignificant…like I should be able to impart some sort of wisdom about more global things. But are there really more “global things”? What can we really know but that which is happening within us? Each of us sees the world through our own lens…so here goes.
A few weeks ago, it seemed like my life, had finally begun to take shape and I was starting to feel a part of this community in a deeper way. I’d moved here to be closer to my son and his family, who live about 45 minutes away. I’d moved here to begin a new life after my divorce. I was moving toward something better, but there was still a sting when I thought about the community that I’d left, and my ex. While living there, after we’d split, I dreaded running into him, fearing I’d see him with someone else and it would be overwhelming. I feared running into people who knew and liked him. I didn’t want to hear anything good about him. Not living in the same town, or even the same state, did help. But…
This past fall, I had the stunning revelation that I wanted to date again. I couldn’t imagine any man being interested in me (in that way) but the feelings of longing for that sort of connection started bubbling up. My reaction was, “Shit! Really? Great. Now? Why now?” I’d pretty much resigned myself to the belief that at 63, I was simply too old to meet someone new…even if I wanted to. But one day, as I was walking to the library, a man whom I’d met at a grocery store some weeks earlier, asked me out, and I went. Within a week, I knew this wasn’t going to be an intimate relationship, but I could also see areas of my past, that were going to cause problems in the future, if I didn’t deal with them.
Although I’d done some work on forgiving my ex, I still felt resentment when I thought about him, and it seemed clear that I’d meet the same energy again, and again, until I’d dealt with it inside myself. By this time, it was obvious that my new life had the potential to be so much more in sync with who I really was. For years during my last marriage, my ex and I didn’t connected on a number of levels. He didn’t get my humor. I didn’t like his. He didn’t like to read, and one of my dreams for a partnership was to each be sitting by a fireplace, books in hand, occasionally sharing with the other, some line or thought that seemed too wonderful to keep to ourselves. Often times, when he talked, I felt as though I was enduring a long and tedious bus ride which had a “yet to be determined” destination. I’m sure he felt this, which must not have been good for him either.
Bottom line was that my life was better now. All of difficult and painful things that had happened in that marriage got me to a new place, and without them, I’m not sure I would’ve left. So why was I nursing a resentment? Was I blaming him for my decision to stay so long? In some ways, yes. Was I blaming him because now it seemed too late for me to start again? In some ways, yes. This was painful and good to see. I ended up writing him a letter, clearly stating that I forgave him for everything and asking for his forgiveness too. There’s a line in AA literature that says, “We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it…no matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear….” This statement comes after we’ve looked at our part in difficult relationships, and have become willing to clear our side of the street.
I was willing, and could see and feel the benefits of that simple (not easy) decision, almost immediately. A few months ago, I began dating someone who felt “right” to me…OMG, did I think for one minute that this would be easy? A whole new set of fears (maybe not new, but certainly dormant for a few decades) surfaced. Insecurities that have brought me to my knees have appeared. I sense that they were always there, but when I was younger, I had a much stronger ability to ignore guidance and push ahead with my plan for the perfect life (and “he” had better agree with it). Now I found that I was dealing with feelings of massive insecurity that made me either want to “lock this in”, or run away.
Then the shutdown of the world happened. Everything suddenly seemed uncertain. I felt an intense pressure inside like something was going to explode or implode. I went to bed one night and couldn’t sleep. All solid ground was crumbling away. I couldn’t run, anyplace in the world, away from it. I took a deep breath, then another. The words, “You are deeply loved” came to me and I felt them. With the words was the feeling that there was a harmony within every single thread of life and an exquisite harmony beneath all of this apparent chaos. It was a call to trust…again, but this time at a much deeper level. The “command” to me was, “Try to be curious. You are taking your initiation in trust, and to do this, you must experience extreme uncertainty.”
Verse 47 in the Tao Te Ching says, “We can understand the world as it is without leaving our home….the further we go, the less we know. Wise people understand the 10,000 things without going to each one. They know them without having to look at each one, and they transform all without acting on each one.” What is “reality” telling us but this truth…written some 2,600 years ago. So many of us have been going, going, going…seeking here and there, and what if we don’t need to go to retreats, ashrams, classes, or workshops to know everything we need to know? Could this be one of the keys being kindly offered to us now?
It has been the message to me. There may not be one person, place, or thing that I can count on to be here tomorrow and as odd as this feels, I know it is an opportunity, a portal into greater freedom, for me. I can also see it all around me. Every person is being given an opportunity right now to discover what the message/call is to them…for them. Stay curious if you can, and I’ll be staying in touch. I’d love to hear from you too❤️
50 thoughts on “The Wisdom of Uncertainty”
Oh, Hallelujah!! A post from Mary! I was just thinking about you — and missing the flock — yesterday. Sending love from Baltimore and congratulations on your new life and the work you have done to get there. Curious — yes! A curious person has a whole world to learn about, to wonder and to enjoy. Thanks so much for writing. We need your perspective — your wisdom and honesty — in this interesting time.
I’m not sure that anyone has ever said, “Hallelujah” about me before, Charlotte, but it made me smile. Thank you. Sending love to you from Vermont❤️
Yes Mary is back n oh how we needed to hear from you🥰
Mary, I am so glad to read and reflect on your message. I am glad you are well and near family. Thank you for sharing your news, views and wisdom.
Thank you so much, Maggie…I send the same wishes and thoughts to you❤️
Great to hear from you, Mary. The world is waking up!
I agree with that, Rose…it certainly is a call to awaken. I’m so glad to hear from you too!
Mary, it is good to receive your message this morning and at such a stressful time as this is for us on this earth. Thank you too for trying to sort out your feelings and place them online for others to read. Privacy being what it is, putting ourselves out there for strangers to read does not always feel good. It takes courage to delve into our inner beings as much as we are capable of doing so, some with greater insight than others but always based on our own perceptions of the world around us. Your honesty is refreshing. Relocating, regardless of the reason, is not always easy. If it is our choice, there are still adjustments to be made,
Sandy Small Proudfoot, Ont. Canada
Thank you, as always, Sandy for your thoughts and words💞
The need to hear from you and to be connected with you and the flock is so important now. We have all missed hearing from you and having your guidance. As always, your humility demonstrates our common needs and the necessity to go through these challenging experiences, whatever they might be. Knowing we are one, if we all continue to look inward to our energetic participation, I wonder as to ours and the world’s transformation. What a wonderful way to start the day ——- hearing from Mary!
Thank you, Mary! It feels incredibly good to be back writing and sharing here with our community❤️
Clinging to each other right now is imperative
How wonderful to find you in the in box again!!
Love how you describe these times – both yours personally and ours in the bigger picture. That quote from the Tao is so pertinent. And your comment “ Every person is being given an opportunity right now to discover what the message/call is to them…for them.” hits me right in the heart. So thank you and God bless!
Thank you, Gwen and God bless you as well…so nice to be in this together❤️
Hi Mary- good to read your post. Take care. From Mary Rita in Cambridge NY.
Hi Mary Rita! thank you for the Cambridge greeting! I was actually planning to have dinner with a friend in Cambridge a few weeks ago (but of course that didn’t happen)…but it will be nice to go back with a renewed heart and mind.
Oh, my dream came true, – a post from Mary and White Feather Farm! And to see old, familiar names – if ever there was a time to reunite the flock! A book suggestion, – I’ve been reading some wonderful books by Ann Patchett in the past month, and found a slim little book, “What Now?” that can be read in under an hour, thoughtfully. It is her commencement speech to the graduating class of Sarah Lawrence, her alma mater. It speaks to the young graduates in all their vitality, diplomas in hand, – but the “What Now’s?” of life are about to begin, and we will meet many a crossroad in our lives. Thank you Mary, for your candid sharing. Blessings to all from Arizona!
So nice to hear from you Susan! I love the thought that this post was a dream that came true in your eyes! Such a sweet thought. Thanks for the recommendation as well. Love to you from Vermont🍁
Dearest Mary, it is so very nice to hear from you. I loved your post today, as it sounds as though the universe has guided you onto a path of truth, coming to terms with yourself and embracing change. I send you bundles of white light and love. Debra
Dear Debra, How wonderful to hear from you too! I gratefully accept the white light and love and send them back to you multiplied 💕💕
Mary, thank you for posting. Thank you for sharing your journey. Much more growth in store for all of us.
yes, yes, yes…thank you, Jan❤️
Bravo Mary! Hello flock! You’re writing continues to amaze and resonate. I love the references to As and the Tao…. Stay well.
Thank you, Karen! May you also be well. I look forward to seeing/feeling how we will be moved forward.❤️
Beautiful.. Thank You for sharing Mary. I felt the energy of truth welling up in me as I read your words about being loved. You are. I am. We all are Loved.
We are deeply loved, and it is one thing to hear it but quite another to feel it❤️ I’m so grateful for your share, Connie.
Mary, I have been thinking about you a lot and wondering how your new life is going. So glad to hear from you during these uncertain times! I’ve been repeating your mantra, “this is happening FOR me”. I am trying to learn the lesson the universe is trying to teach me.
Thank you, Donna…the idea that whatever is happening is “for us” is life-changing, isn’t it. So happy to hear from you too❤️
Welcome to Central Vermont. I hope that you find home, nourishment and beauty in this small and wonderful part of the world.
It is wonderful Mary to hear that you are in full stride in Montpelier. That Montpelier is “home” for you now. I learned through my many incredibly powerful sessions with you that sometimes growing can feel like breaking. Breaking wide open. Especially when we are getting ‘unstuck’ from a place we believe we no longer belong. In the years since our sessions, I continue to draw on what I learned from you inorder to stay grounded. Centered. So I can attest to the fact that your wisdom is never insignificant…regardless of what is going on in our world, large or small! Especially with what is going on in our world. And your insight and inspiration are so welcome! And progress sometimes feels clumsy and sometimes feels graceful. But it is progress no less. I think of one of your paintings that I am looking at right now. “Yes is a World”. Our constant quest for our true North as our needle often wobbles along the way. So easy to wobble right now. Your message, your key, really resonates with me. What we need to know is not half way around the world, we CAN find it without leaving our home. This extreme uncertainty you mention is huge. Whether it’s out in the world or deep within each of us. A Bob Goff quote “Embrace uncertainty. Some of the most beautiful chapters in our lives won’t have a title until much later”. Thank you for these moments of introspection today. I needed to think about this in a new way. I am grateful for your gentle yet profound suggestions. Much love…Kathye
Dear Kathye, Thank you for your beautiful thoughts and observations. I love the Goff quote too. Sending you a big hug tonight (from one Vermonter to another!)💕
thank you for, as always, great honesty. Have missed hearing from you.. . .but glad to know you’re in a better place with your life. (We had one phone session, a long time ago.)
sending you love and a safe hug! Veronica Georges
Dear Veronica, Thank you so much…I’ve missed being here too. It is so nice to be back. ❤️
Hi Mary – Wonderful post. You are brave to bare your soul. Isn’t this shelter in place crazy? I’m loving how it’s making me finally dig into boxes and drawers and really assess what I need or don’t need to hang on to. I’m having a hard time getting Charlie to join in but he is getting closer to realizing that ‘stuff’ doesn’t matter like he once thought. Interesting times. I hope we can see each other before too long. Until then, take care and stay well! Love, Mary
❤️ can’t wait until we can see each other again, Mary❤️
Mary so good to hear from you sgain. Yes I think we all had a sense of things spinning out of control. Snd this has brought us to our knees and to s knowing if what is truly important and what Is needed. Pray God we heed these messages. Stay well ❤️
Wanted to send you this meager painting I created yesterday. Hope it brings you hope.
On Fri, Mar 27, 2020 at 9:29 AM Mary Muncil â¡ Spiritual Counseling wrote:
> Mary Muncil posted: ” STAYING CURIOUS Itâs been almost a year since I > moved to Montpelier, Vermont. To say that life has dramatically changed > during this year would be an understatement, but that is true for each of > us, isnât it. Thereâs so much that I want to share with y” >
I love you!
Oh darling, I love you too❤️
Thank you for this lovely birthday surprise, Mary – happy to know you are stretching into your new space, your new community. I feel like mother nature has sent us to our rooms….stay safe and stay open, much love from northern British Columbia where the snow still delays our awareness of spring(y) feelings…sigh!
Happy (belated by now!) birthday, Sabina and thank you for the beautiful thought, “stay safe and stay open”💕
Oh, Mary! It is soooo good to hear from you, and know that you are ok! Ken (once your birthday present!) and I are now on The Gulf Coast of MS, but have made a decision to go back on the road, and have purchased a motorhome to go off and travel some more in the US – until we are no longer able or want to. We head north every summer, New England is precious to us, was our home for so long….and I love Montpelier! As usual, what you reveal is deep and rings bells in so many lives, I am sure. Sending much love to you, and joy at reading what you’ve written.
Dear Pam, It is so nice to hear from you too! Sending thoughts of love to you and Ken❤️ Mary
Mary, oh how I miss you physically but my soul never feels distant from you. You know how dearly I love you and how connected we are. Your words are apples in settings of silver. Blessings and big huggs🤗
💕Love you, sister!💕
Mary, so great to hear from you. I figured a lot was going on during the “radio silence.” But I just waited with patience (learned from you). And here you are, still curious. Me, too (also learned from you).
Thoreau said in one of his journal entries, age 22: “Let me see no other conflict but with prosperity. If my path run on before me level and smooth, it is all a mirage; in reality it is a steep and arduous chamois path. I will not let the years run over me like a Juggernaut car.”
I do think this time–exceedingly harrowing news delivered daily–is also offering us a gift, an opportunity. May we not miss it. Thanks, as always, for the alert!
Hi Mary. I don’t know how I happened upon your blog some time ago, but I immediately open it because what you write is always relevant. It’s the most bizarre time for all of us. I love your quotes too. Stay well and safe. Greetings from Germanyv from an Irish woman.
Thank you so much❤️…it certainly is a strange time! Love, Mary
So good to see WFF in my inbox! Blessings and good health to you and your family in these unprecedented times. Forgiveness is an amazingly freeing exercise and I am so glad writing to your ex has brought some of that freedom to your life. Be well Mary, keep writing. It is a welcome sight in my inbox.
Mary, it was such a wonderful surprise to see you pop up in my inbox. I love your honesty and I’ve missed you so much.
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