Letting go of preconceived ideas. Allowing perfection to appear.


me looking very serious as I try to cast a spell

I’m looking very serious as I try to cast a spell in Diagon Alley.

Jack and I got home a few days ago from my 60th birthday trip. Everything seemed to unfold like magic as we entered this 4 day excursion. Then on the third day, I woke up in the middle of the night with extreme nausea. By 5 a.m. I’d been to the bathroom at least 40 times and was exhausted and completely drained. All of my plans for the next day were off. I wasn’t even sure if I’d be able to fly home the following day much less leave our room that day. I tried to sleep but was still in a fair amount of pain…but not so much that I couldn’t think back over the past 4 hours and try to get some insight into what had happened.

Two things became clear right away.

The first was when I let my mind ask questions about the past, like, “What did I eat?” or “Why did I eat so much?” or things like that, I felt horrible. Asking questions (that truly had no answer that could have helped anyway) led me directly into hell. I went from simply being in pain to being in pain with emotional suffering heaped on top. When I asked myself questions about the past or projected into the future with thoughts like, “How will I be able to get on an airplane?” or “I’ll have to cancel our dinner with Tom and Lindsay”, or “Jack is going to have to spend the day alone and it is my fault”, my suffering increased, and it seemed like the pain did too.

The second insight that happened was when I thought, “This is happening for me. What if this isn’t wrong?” When I thought these things, I noticed that I felt better. When I let go of all of my preconceived ideas about what a vacation should be or what the next day should be or even what that moment should be, I began to feel lighter. I was genuinely surprised by the thought, “Well, maybe I’ll just imagine that I’m at a spa doing a ‘cleanse'”. It was followed by thoughts like, “The bathroom is only 15 feet away from my bed. The bed is really comfortable. In this moment I have everything I need.” I didn’t realize it at the time, but these were thoughts of gratitude for my life exactly as it was in the moment, and I can now see that those higher thoughts brought a light with them…a healing light, first for my mind and then for my body.

I was able to fly home the next day and even go out to a wonderful dinner the following night. I ate less than I normally would have but enjoyed the evening to the fullest. Jack had a great day by himself exploring The Wizarding World of Harry Potter by himself…he even rode the “Escape from Gringot’s” ride four times in a row, something he never would have done if I was along.

I’ve felt lighter since I returned from the trip and can say without reservation that I wouldn’t change one thing about it. It was perfect.

Always say ‘yes’ to the present moment…Surrender to what is. Say ‘yes’ to life and see how life starts suddenly to start working for you rather than against you.” Eckhart Tolle



This entry was posted on October 3, 2015. 13 Comments

nothing to do but relax


Eleanor napping

For much of my life I lived by the philosophy: “If I don’t do it, figure it out, or orchestrate it, either it won’t happen or it will be done poorly or wrong”. For a long time, this way of living worked…sort of. I got a lot done anyway. But I was never at ease. I felt guilty and lazy when I wasn’t struggling with something…and I was always struggling with something. If my life was momentarily peaceful, I’d take on other people’s situations and struggle with them. Every problem, of every person in my life, became mine to solve.

It was a stunning revelation when I realized that I lacked faith in anything beyond myself. It was shocking to see that I had so little faith in Life/Love/Spirit. I also realized that my attitude was condescending toward others and a very limited way to see myself: a bundle of problems to be solved.

I had no idea how much harm these worry/struggle thoughts were doing, but I knew that I was getting tired and I assume that I was tiring to be around as well. Even if I wasn’t physically active, my mind was working (struggling) over-time. The question, “How can you do nothing and expect life to change?” always nagged me until I realized that doing nothing didn’t mean sitting somewhere with racing, worried, angry, frustrated, or “concerned”, thoughts.

As I began to relax, to trust the larger part of me/Life/God/Love, I started to experience the spontaneous dissolution of “problems”. Sometimes I would just imagine a person (including myself), who I’d been worried about for whatever reason, as smiling or laughing, as I sat outside enjoying my morning cup of coffee, and often I’d either get a call or an email from that person with a happy message. If it was my own perceived problem I’d find a similar resolution had occurred, or I’d get a new idea on how to go forward and find the situation quickly solved.

I began to see that doing nothing wasn’t really doing nothing at all. I began to see that true rest meant having a mind that was at peace… and that kind of rest was always available. It is one thought (or the dropping of one thought) away.

“I always forget how important the empty days are, how important it may be sometimes not to expect to produce anything, even a few lines in a journal. A day when one has not pushed oneself to the limit seems a damaged, damaging day, a sinful day. Not so! The most valuable thing one can do for the psyche, occasionally, is to let it rest, wander, live in the changing light of a room.” May Sarton

new painting, NEST EGG

new painting, NEST EGG for sale. My show in Manchester is over (it was a wonderful show. 11 paintings sold and they’ve invited me back!). I’ll be putting more paintings up on my website in the next few weeks.

This entry was posted on September 3, 2015. 26 Comments

a worthy prayer

Nest ( new painting for sale on My Artwork Page)

Nest ( new painting for sale on My Artwork Page)

I was all set to deliver some additional paintings for a show that I’m having in Manchester, VT, on Monday morning, when I opened my emails and read that the woman who was going to meet me had a broken-down car and couldn’t make it. I initially felt quite disappointed but went outside with my cup of coffee, got quiet, and began to say, “This has to be right. This is happening for me.”

As I softly thought these words, all anxiety about the cancelled meeting was gone and an idea sprung into my mind; “Ask her if she wants you to pick her up and if she needs a ride anyplace else.” I’d only met this woman one time, so I didn’t know her very well, but I wrote the email, also proposing that she join me (after we hung the paintings) for a trip to the thrift store, which was having a big sale that day, then I let it go.

A few hours later, she emailed back with an enthusiastic yes to both, and we had a wonderful time hanging the paintings, shopping at my favorite thrift store, and getting to know each other better.

This is such a small thing; a cancelled meeting, a plan apparently interrupted, but this sort of situation used to be really upsetting to me. For many years I lived as though unpleasant things were happening to me without my consent, without my agreement, and I felt powerless and often, angry.

I never considered that all things worked together (and worked much better than I could ever have planned) if I simply acknowledged this spiritual truth, and dropped my fretting, anger, and the belief that something had gone wrong because it didn’t play out the way that I wanted it to.

A few years back I saw a bumper sticker that read, “If you aren’t appalled, you aren’t paying attention.” And I thought, “If you are appalled, then you are paying attention to the wrong things”.

Being upset by things and suspiciously looking for what is wrong with us, our lives, our situations, and the world, is a very unhappy way to live, yet for many years, I thought that the “smart people” were the cynical ones and the people who seemed unreasonably happy, were simply not with it. I was so wrong….and that makes me so happy.

Happiness is the only worthy prayer” pg. 68 from Pathways Through To Space Franklin Merrell-Wolff (I’m loving this book)

This entry was posted on August 11, 2015. 13 Comments

even the unheard of

Esther is the cat who doesn't like to come inside...ever. Here she is relaxing in our garden

Esther is our cat who doesn’t like to come inside…ever, so I rarely get good pictures of her.

A few evenings ago, we had a pretty big storm with high winds and torrential rain. While it was still raining, but the sun had also come out, Jack went outside. After a few minutes, I heard our neighbor Ken say to him, “Is everything alright? Did a tree come down?” and Jack replied, “Everything is fine. I’m just looking for rainbows.”

I know that Jack had no idea of how cute it sounded, and that is one of the things I love most about him.

“We must take on our existence as broadly as we possibly can; everything, even the unheard of, must be possible in it. This, underneath all, is the only courage that is demanded of us: to have the courage for the most strange, the most inexplicable.”  Rainer Maria Rilke

I wanted to let everyone who is interested in my paintings know that for the month of August, they will be on display (and for sale) at Northshire Bookstore’s Spiral Press Cafe, Manchester VT. Also, the lovely Sue Clary at Mccartees Barn in Salem NY is now carrying my paintings, and Jack has some (not many as most are in Manchester or at Sue’s at this time) at his shop in Cambridge.

This entry was posted on August 7, 2015. 4 Comments

I take that as a compliment

A painting that I'm currently working on with another of my favorite quotes, "Sometimes I've believed six impossible things before breakfast" Lewis Carroll

A painting that I’m currently working on with another of my favorite quotes by Lewis Carroll

A couple of weeks ago I officiated the wedding of my niece. Right before the ceremony began, someone I hadn’t seen in several years said to me, “You’ve aged a lot.”

I’d love to be able to say that my first thought was, “Thank you!”, but it wasn’t…what I really thought was, “You inconsiderate shit-head!” I didn’t say anything to him, but I’ve thought about his comment quite a bit since then. I’ve also thought about one of my favorite quotes from the Dowager Countess (Maggie Smith) in Downton Abbey.

A friend of the Dowager’s (Mrs. Crawley) had just told her that she reminded her of someone rather unpleasant, and the Dowager replied, “I take that as a compliment.” To which Mrs Crawley said, “You take everything as a compliment” and the Dowager Countess returned with one of the best lines ever:  “I’d advise you to do the same. It saves many an awkward moment.”

As I thought over the awkward moment that I’d experienced at the wedding, I wondered how it would be possible to take that comment as a compliment. Could I consider myself like a finely aged cheese or wine? That idea just felt dumb. So I kept trying to imagine the comment differently. If I’d been 14 years old and someone said that to me, I would have been thrilled. There was nothing that I wanted more, when I was a teenager, than to look older.

As I pondered that moment, the questions that came to me were, “When was I happy with my age?” When did I feel/think that I was the perfect age?” It seems I’ve always thought that I was either too old or too young. The comment that would have been received by me as a compliment, at one time in my life, was now received as an insult.

But I am the one who received it. I’m the one who “processed it” as an insult. It is true that I have aged. It is also true that as much as I want to embrace wrinkles, gray hair, and spotty skin, I really don’t….not in myself anyway. But I want to, and this man’s comment helped me see deeper into myself. I also realized that there would have been no sting if what he said wasn’t something that I’d already been thinking about myself. He was just a mirror of my own mind.

What would it feel like to take everyone’s “stinging” words (even the words that I remember from the past) as compliments? What a fun thing to imagine and to try. At the very least, I’ll learn something about myself and maybe even challenge, and let go of, some worn out beliefs.

minding my own mind

Fred napping on the stairs

           Fred napping on the stairs

I attended a family function recently. Those are always the best situations for bringing out any unresolved issues that I’ve been hiding away, hoping not to deal with ever again. Several days after this particular event, I was imagining someone in my family criticizing me for something that I did, and I began to defend myself, actually building a case in my mind for why I wasn’t wrong and in fact why he was the one who was off base.

I worked myself into quite a frenzy until I realized what I was doing. I knew that if I continued on with this mindset, I’d end up in a conflict with either this person or someone else, but I noticed this time that I was quite pleased with the defense that I had constructed, and a part of me didn’t want to drop it.

I wanted to be right and I wanted to prove him wrong by my clever and deeply insightful reasoning. I wanted to shut him up, even though I was the one who had created the conflict and his hurtful words, in my mind. I could just as easily have imagined him saying kind and loving words to me…. or could I? Because it really wasn’t him saying anything, it was my own critical voice.

I’m the one who didn’t approve of me. I’m the one who was internally fighting, but didn’t want to look at it. So could I really have imagined those kind and loving words being said about me? Apparently not.

When I finally became aware of what I was doing, I went from feeling “justified anger” to feeling free as I let him off the hook and myself too. I also saw that critical self-talk was still going on within me. There was no one to fight on the outside, it was (and always is) happening within. When I am thinking kind and loving thoughts about myself there is no conflict with anyone. I notice that when I think someone is displeased with me, I need look no further than my own mind. All answers are within.

“Defense is the first act of war.” Byron Katie

One step at a time


A new painting of The Star. It is for sale on MY ARTWORK PAGE along with the story of how I received the star that this painting is based on.

I was woken up at 4:30 yesterday morning by a screeching fox right outside my window. I wasn’t planning on getting up but within a few seconds I heard a cat. Assuming that the cat was Esther (our 9-year-old girl who does not like to come in the house), I got up and went outside. Esther was fine, but she kept suspiciously staring at the garage so I wondered if the fox was in there or nearby. Last evening the mystery was solved when I spotted a white and black cat inside the garage (Esther’s private domain). As soon as I approached the garage, the cat ran to the back and hid amongst Jack’s stuff. If any of you have ever been inside Jack’s shop, just imagine that multiplied by 10 and you will know what our garage looks like. That kitty could hide forever without me getting to it.

Since it was so late, I decided to put Esther in the cellar for the night and brought a plate of food and a bowl of water outside, placing them next to the open garage door. From an upstairs window, I could see the kitty eating, and I felt good.

When I woke up at 2 a.m. this morning, I thought about the cat. I didn’t know if it would still be around or not but I knew that either way, it was perfect. The thought going through my mind was, “That kitty came into your life and so it is a part of the design of your life…maybe for only an hour, maybe longer, but all is well. Do not get into the future. Do not wonder how you will take care of it. It is 2 a.m. there is nothing more for you to do now. All is well.”

This is a lesson that I have learned: Do what is before you now. Do what you can feel you are being called to do now. The way will unfold.”

Yesterday, I knew what to do for that kitty. I fed it and gave it a little space. I didn’t know what I’d do this morning but I had faith that I’d be shown. When I went to check on her/him this morning, the food was gone and so was the kitty. As I looked at the empty plate, my mind flashed to when we were kids and left cookies and milk out for Santa on Christmas Eve.

I’m so happy that I was able to feed the cat. The only thing that matters is listening to the inner voice which always points the way. In the past I might have lost a night’s sleep over that kitty wondering how I would integrate it with our other cats, if it had diseases, if it belonged to someone, how to catch it and get it to the vet…..” I might have woken up ragged and tired and worried about my (and the cat’s) future. I might have wasted precious life imagining something that didn’t happen.

“A great deal of what people say, think, or do is actually motivated by fear, which of course is always linked with having your focus on the future and being out of touch with the Now. As there are no problems in the Now, there is no fear either.”

Eckhart Tolle