vulnerable…and loving

 

When I was a young girl, I had an argument with my parents that led to me storming into my bedroom, picking up a clock radio, and smashing it against the wall while screaming, “You’ll never hurt me again!”

What had they done? What had I done? I can’t answer either of these questions but as I look back over my life, I see how afraid I’d been…afraid of being hurt by those people whom I loved and how I’d allowed that fear to gradually build a hard, defensive, shell around my heart.

I can also recall times when that shell felt good and strong and protective…and maybe it was. Maybe it served a purpose when I was so young and fearful, but the older I became, the more I realized that fear (which I almost always expressed as anger) was too small.

I used to sense that my life was not expansive enough, but the answer, I thought, was in doing something different; new work, travel, experiences, exercise, diet…whatever. And while these new activities added some sparkle and energy to my life, I knew deep down that I wasn’t living fully.

My breakthroughs have always come by surprise and often in the most unexpected ways. The last major breakthrough came in the summer of 2016 when I had my heart broken by someone whom I’d deemed incapable of hurting me in that way. And the reason that I didn’t think I could be hurt so deeply was because I’d never really committed my heart to him. That “vow” that I’d taken as a child was still functioning as a shield to love…the kind of love that demands vulnerability…and feels incredibly risky.

I hadn’t known how afraid I was until I was faced with a hurt deep enough to break me open…. but it did break me open and I allowed it to happen. I knew it was happening for me, not to me, and as the days, weeks and months passed, I hoped that the opening would be a one-time deal and that I wouldn’t revert back to self-protective, fearful, thoughts, but this hasn’t been my experience. When I got sober in 1986, it was a lighting bolt, life-changing moment: I never wanted to drink again, and I never have.

But this new opening has not unfolded in that way. I’ve had moments of intense anger (fear) that have made me feel like a victim who needs to protect herself from further pain. I’ve had moments of suspicion which have led to anger (fear) and yet again, the desire to self-protect and proclaim, “You’ll never hurt me again!”

But what would I be running from if not myself? I would be running from thoughts and feelings, my thoughts and feelings, that tell me I am not safe.

So as I walk this new path, I walk with the awareness that there is nothing to lose but my old belief that I am not safe and that I must protect myself. I cannot protect myself from getting hurt unless I also agree to limit my capacity to love and I am no longer willing to do that.

Several nights ago, I dreamt that I had escaped the clutches of an evil woman only to find myself back at her house. As I stood before her she said, “You have changed me” and I knew that I had nothing to fear…that she was a friendly force.

I am vulnerable and it feels like a freedom that I am just beginning to grasp the significance and power of. I invite you to join me on this path of trust…trust in our deepest essence and its wisdom to lead us to more life, love, and an inner peace that cannot be explained but can only be lived.

 

“When we fight with our failing

we ignore the entrance to the shrine itself

and wrestle with the guardian, fierce figure on the side of good.”

David Whyte

 

I’ve had this quote of David Whyte’s on my computer for a while…without ever looking him up or reading anything he’d written. Below is his TED talk, A Lyrical Bridge between Past Present and Future, and it is incredible. You can also find it on YouTube.

 

https://ted.com/talks/david_whyte_a_lyrical_bridge_between_past_present_and_future?utm_source=tedcomshare&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=tedspread–a

 

 

 

 

allowing ourselves to float

We would appreciate some of that cheese you’re eating

We listed our home for sale last week*. When the idea first came to me, it seemed frightening. The thought, “How can we sell our home when we don’t have another to move to?” screamed in my head, almost commanding me to back down. But it was followed by a deeper voice that said, “You are not selling your home today. You are listing it for sale. This is step 1”.

Jack was in agreement with listing our home, until we started to get phone calls and appointments for showings, and then he began to echo the sentiment of my earlier fear, so I just repeated what was given to me and said, “We did not sell our home, we listed it for sale. This was only our first step. If it isn’t right for us, nothing will happen, but if it is right, then step 2 will be given and we’ll take that then.”

This felt so right to me, but he didn’t even seem to take the concept in, and kept saying, “We can’t move without knowing where we are going!”

The spiritual teacher, Byron Katie, once said, “If you want fear and terror on purpose, get a future” and that was where Jack was. He was not staying in the moment, in the now, on step 1…if the steps could be numbered, he was probably on step 13, and it didn’t look good. In his vision we were pitiful, homeless, and broke, living from hand-to-mouth, begging for food for our animals and ourselves. I’m exaggerating here…but only a little.

After 3 days of utter agony, refusing to listen to anything that I offered, he talked with a friend who was able to bring him back to his center and the knowing that he only need stay in the moment and trust the larger part of himself. He needed to remember that he wouldn’t be led down a merry path, only to be dropped at the end.

 

Trust. Trust in what?

 

Over the past few months, I’ve been led to a new awareness of the Goodness that surrounds us all; the Goodness that we are an intricate, intimate part of, and so I have begun to trust in a new way that all really is well and that my part is to show up, be open, take action when it feels like I’m being asked to do so, and stay away from any fearful-mind stories. I’m not saying that those fearful thoughts don’t enter my consciousness, because they do, but they are different now. They don’t hold the same energy as before and I can see them for what they are…phantoms of old beliefs.

I want to live my life as if it is a grand adventure and I cannot do this if I need to plan out each step. But seriously, even if I, or you, or Jack, could plan out each step of our lives, would Life conform to that? When has that really ever happened, and is it even an adventure if by some chance “it” did turn out exactly as we planned?

And there is also the idea that anything that I (Mary Muncil, the little me) plan has to be teeny tiny compared to what the whole of me (divine mind combined with all of the other divine minds that make up ALL THAT IS) has in store.

This is the SELF that I trust.

Many years ago, I picked up the book, Illusions, by Richard Bach and was completely floored by the introduction, which I share with you below.

“Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. The current of the river swept silently over them all — young and old, rich and poor, good and evil — the current going its own way, knowing only its own crystal self.

Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current was what each had learned from birth.

But one creature said at last, “I am tired of clinging. Though I cannot see it with my eyes, I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom.”

The other creatures laughed and said, “Fool! Let go, and that current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed against the rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!”

But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks.

Yet in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.

And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, “See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the messiah, come to save us all!”

And the one carried in the current said, “I am no more messiah than you. The river delights to lift us free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this adventure….”

.

• Introduction to the book, Illusions, by Richard Bach

 

*our home is listed on Zillow, 148 Dunbar Rd. Cambridge, NY 12816. There are lots of photographs. If you would like more information, feel free to email me at mmuncil@verizon.net.

Also, Jack and I are showing our work (44 pieces in total) from August 19^th through Labor Day, at Gallery 668 in Battenville, NY. The opening is August 19^th from 4-6 p.m. We will both be there as well as a number of other artists. For more information, feel free to email me at mmuncil@verizon.net

preview of some of our work at 668 GALLERY

don’t condemn the means

For a number of years, I had wanted to go to the Ralph Waldo Emerson House. I’d imagined myself walking on the same wooden floors, looking out the same windows, and touching the same walls, as this great man did so many years ago. I fantasied that some of his inspired thought might rub off on me if I could, even for a few minutes, occupy the same space that he once had.

Last week, Jack decided to make my dream a reality and planned a short get-away to Concord for us. Driving into the town, finding a wonderful restaurant for lunch and tea…everything was perfect, and although I was excited to go to the Emerson House, I was enjoying every moment of the build up.

We pulled up in front of his home and goose bumps flooded me. It looked like the pictures. We walked up the wide stone path to the front door and noticed a small sign that read, “RING THE BELL”, which I enthusiastically did.

A few seconds later, the door opened slightly and a woman’s head peaked out as she grumbled, “What do you want?” What do we want? My mind couldn’t make sense of her tone or meaning.

I replied, while pointing to the note on the door, “The sign says to ring the bell.” She looked at the sign as if it were foreign to her and then shot back, “The next tour isn’t until 2:30. It’s 2:00.” As if this should somehow satisfy us.

“Do we need to take a tour?” I asked.

“No, but you can’t come in now” she replied. “There are too many people in here already.”

“Can I just step inside?”

“No. Come back at 2:30, OK?”, she snapped and closed the door.

I was stunned. We walked around the back of the house into the garden area, trying to gather ourselves. As we sat on a bench in the shade, wondering what to do next, I felt something that I didn’t expect to feel at a moment like that…I felt curious.

What were we supposed to do? My mind kept wanting to relive the episode that we’d just experienced with the rude woman. It was saying things like, “You should report her to the board, I can’t believe how she treated us”, but I could feel that if I did that, I would be closing off something good. I was at a fork in the road and was being asked to choose: grumble just like she did, or choose to think, “This must be perfect, even if at this moment I don’t understand it.”

The idea of waiting around in 85-degree weather for a tour with this woman seemed completely unappealing. I turned to Jack and said, ‘What about going to Walden Pond?” Within minutes we were walking hand-in-hand into the cool, clear, refreshing, water of Walden Pond…we were swimming in the same lake as Thoreau had…maybe Emerson too. We spent 2 glorious hours swimming, sitting, and just being…it was heaven.

As we talked about the “closed door” at the Emerson House, it was clear what had happened: spirit had moved in an unusual way through this woman. If she had been even a little bit nicer, we might have waited around for the next tour, and although that would’ve been fine, there was something completely unexpected and magical about our time at Walden Pond.

It was also clear that I needed to keep focused on the wonder and goodness of all that had occurred and not condemn the means by which it happened. Getting angry, indignant, or stewing about the woman would have ruined my day…it might even have closed off the thought about going to Walden Pond.

Jack in Walden Pond…a very happy man!

 

“Reality unfolds perfectly. Whatever happens is good. I see people and things, and when it comes to me to move toward them or away from them, I move without argument, because I have no believable story about why I shouldn’t; it’s always perfect.” Byron Katie, Question Your Thinking, Change Your Life, page 8

 

 

our beautiful selves

FRED

Several weeks ago as I was preparing for the opening of my new shop/gallery, I suddenly felt as though I had something in my left eye. At first, it felt like an eyelash, so I rinsed my eye repeatedly but it still bothered me. By 6 p.m. that evening, I was sitting in Urgent Care. My eye was bloodshot, severely irritated, and getting worse. The doctor prescribed antibiotic drops but within a few days, the other eye was affected as well, and neither improved for a week leaving me with blurry vision and a desire to see more clearly. During this time, I asked myself the question, “What am I not wanting/willing to see?”

The answer that came stunned me. It was, “You are afraid to trust your higher self completely. You are still afraid of getting hurt, so you try to protect and look out for yourself. You are ready to awaken more deeply and so a new level of trust is being asked of you now. It will require that you stop looking out for yourself.”

That sounds so simple and lovely. I knew it was the truth and yet I was still hesitant. I hadn’t realized how many fears I had inside…fears of getting hurt that I was trying to avoid by controlling my environment. I hadn’t seen the “comfortable” little walls I’d built around my life.

But as I allowed myself to see more clearly, example after example popped up: I didn’t trust my doctor and thought she might be missing something that could cause me to have a much more serious eye problem.

I didn’t trust that Jack really loved me and so I projected scenarios of him leaving and me being alone, resentful, and unhappy.

I didn’t trust myself and my ability (or lack thereof) to be in a committed relationship, and feared that I would leave someday and regret it.

I didn’t trust my body and feared that without a strict exercise regime I would get fat, unattractive, and weak.

I looked at my past and saw so many examples of how I felt as though I couldn’t trust life and had been afraid of getting hurt. As I allowed myself to see this part of my past, which seemed to be rising up from some dark, unexplored, area, I also asked myself, “What does, ‘I’ll get hurt’ really mean?”

In each scenario, I had projected an unhappy, miserable, sad or angry, me. Being left, being taken advantage of, being unattractive, being angry and then lashing out and burning bridges, being suspicious…all of the things that I feared had a common denominator: an unhappy me at the core which seemed to stem from an image that I’d held of myself.

I know that images can be changed but they must first be seen, and this is what I was being shown, and at the same time I was being asked, “Are you willing to see yourself as happy no matter what happens on the ‘outside?’”

I loved that question. I wanted to answer yes, so I tried it by asking, “Can I see myself as happy, even with a serious eye problem if that is what I have? Yes, I can imagine that. Can I see myself as happy even if I am single? Yes, I can imagine that too. Can I see myself staying in this marriage and being happy? Yes, I can imagine that too. I pulled to mind every fear of being hurt that I could remember/imagine, and then I imagined myself in that same situation but as a trusting, happy, calm, and relaxed woman.

I truly think that holding this happy image of myself in all situations is one of the most important lessons that I’ve been shown, and I look forward to witnessing the transformation of me.

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths…beautiful people do not just happen.”  Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

 

offering my best

One of the things that I’ve found most challenging about my mother is our conversations…which have almost always felt like parallel monologues; she talked about other people and what they were doing (which to me felt like she was avoiding any “real” conversation) and I would in turn would try to introduce “meaningful” subjects (things that I found interesting).

I tried for a number of years just to listen to her, thinking that eventually she would ask me a question or inquire about my life in some meaningful way, but found that she would simply talk herself out and then, if I did begin to speak, that would somehow add fuel to her thoughts and she’d be off and running again, or she’d become uncomfortable and start looking around the room, get up and clean something (or once she got an ipad, she would turn to that).

I am 61 years old and had never found peace with this dynamic. I have always felt as though there was something wrong with me when it came to my mother and our relationship. Then last week in couple’s therapy, I told our therapist that I had stopped by my mother’s house and as she immediately began to talk about other people, I said, “Mom, I don’t want to talk about anyone else….” Our therapist replied to me by saying, “You are still trying to change your mother.” I knew that he was right…after all of these years, I still was trying to get my mother to be interested in me.

Then he looked at me with the most compassionate eyes and said, “Your mother doesn’t like you.” I knew it was the truth.

Don’t get me wrong, I know that my mother loves me, she just doesn’t like the woman that I am. I like to swear and have a particular affection for a word beginning with the letter F. I am direct. I like to ask questions. I am, at times, loud. I am curious about religion and spirituality and have always questioned ideas and beliefs which, in my upbringing, were the “unquestionable”. If someone told me that I couldn’t do something, this often felt like a challenge to me to do it. I am smart, and although I didn’t know this for a long time, my mother told me many times that this aspect of me intimidated her.

Over the past week, I’ve found a new sense of freedom when I’ve thought about my mother and I’ve had the interesting revelation that I don’t like her either. Just admitting this about myself, and acknowledging her feelings about me, has brought inner peace. I am free not to like her. She is free not to like me. She doesn’t need to change one bit for me to love her, but I don’t need to change to get her love either…as a mater of fact, I can’t.

I would go to the ends of the earth to help my mother if she needed me and I know that she’d do the same for me…this feels like real love….so good to know.

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself, just as I am, then I can change.” Carl Rogers

Evolution of Little Wing Shop & Gallery opening June 10th at 10 a.m…(148 Dunbar Rd. Cambridge, NY). I’d love to meet you (or see you again!) if you’d like to stop by. 

 

try again…I might need to go for another walk!

the first day of our vacation…so much fun

Last week, the day before Jack and I were set to leave for Hilton Head, I received two notifications that needed immediate attention. The first was that my email server would no longer be providing service, and the second informed me that my phone bill was overdue because the auto-pay, which I’d set up months before, was no longer working. I was also getting a lot of calls cutting out in the middle of conversations…a problem that I’d spoken to Verizon about multiple times without any solution.
It was 6 a.m. and I could feel the front of my head begin to tense up as I imagined long hours on the phone with these companies. Before I even made the call, all of the lengthy past calls paraded before my eyes and I felt deflated, discouraged, and worried that I would not get the issues resolved and I’d have my internet cut off, would no longer be able to receive emails, and would have to try to deal with this all on my dysfunctional phone which might be cut off too since I had, unbeknownst to me, not paid for it over the past several months. My mind has a tendency to go to extremes.
Then I noticed these thoughts… and stopped…and breathed. I knew better than to call in this state of mind, so I went for a walk and tried to let go of the anxiety that had already begun to take root inside my body.
When I returned home, I was clearer and ready to call. Before I picked up the phone, I said to myself, “I am going to get a very helpful person, and this is going to be easy.” I made the call and was immediately connected with a very nice woman…then the phone cut out. I could hear her but she couldn’t hear me. She said she’d call me back but the calls kept going directly to voicemail and I couldn’t call her back either.
I repeated the affirmation that I would get all of the help that I needed, and I really felt it. I called again and was immediately connected to another wonderful woman who ended up spending almost 2 hrs. with me, not only straightening out my phone issues but also helping me with some internet problems, which weren’t even her company’s responsibility.
We left for vacation the next day and the entire week flowed in the same easy way.
I am learning that things work out when I let go of the belief that I need to make them happen…in my way, in my timing. I am learning that my mind creates problems, disasters, and escalates issues, but that it also heals, soothes, and dissolves “problems” when I use it properly.

“Part of your conquest of anger is to see that its cause is always inside you, never in outer things. So use those small daily accidents when you drop or spill something. Study yourself at the same moment that you spill the coffee. Watch irritation jump up, take you over, and make you shout in aggravation. You can now see how you yielded to the swift habit of angry reaction. One day you will not join angry emotions any more than you join rioting mobs.” Vernon Howard

Little Wing Shop & Gallery is evolving….I’ve just finished painting the floor. Opening day will be June 10th at 10 and you are all invited!

the more I learn to let go, the more things flow perfectly